Dear William

As I write this you are lying beside Esther in your buggy, fast asleep. A prefect picture of peace. You both look so still and make no sound apart from your very gentle snoring! There is something magical about watching you sleep.

We are beside the sea at Tankerton, the waves lapping the shore seem to follow the pattern of your resting breaths.

I am writin this letter to tell you that I am sorry. I don’t think you will understand why but I shouted at you today. It was not your fault and I am ashamed that I did. I feel the need to tell you that I am sorry.

You are a funny one, Master William and I love you with all my heart. You are adorbale cute and hilariously cheeky. A proper little boy. You are not naughty, at least you don’t mean to be, but you do have a lot to learn.

Just William

Today was a long, last day of us being couped up home alone. I think that you and your sister are bored. I am feeling emotional, frustrated and lonely. None of this is any of your fault.

I don’t mean to make excuses. I am painting a picture of how things are. Of how I feel they are.

You have been unwell for what feels like an age and today you were particularly whiney. You are also beginning to test your boundaries, as any growing boy should, finding out what you can and can’t do.

Today you and Esther discovered the delight of banging on the television, often with wooden objects in your hands! I was telling you both ‘No’ which you did not really understand.

I would move you away from the telly, distract you with a song or a game or a toy, but you would find your way back and again I would say no. Eventually you both got bored of your game and that battle was over for another day.

The incident that made me shout came later in the day when you and Esther were playing with your walkers. You love your walkers. Youhave one each. They are two identical walkers. We bought one and borrowed one so that you would not need to fight. Our plan does not seem to have worked!

You, poor William, just do not get it. You just cannot seem to understand that these two toys are exactly the same! And so, whichever one Esther has is the one that you want and you will do anything that you can to get it.

I was patient at the start. Every time you pushed, pulled or attacked Esther I said no very calmly and took you back to your walker explaining that the two are the same. But you would not have it. No sooner were you back at your walker than you were scurrying back to Eather to barge ger out of the way so that you could use her one! Again I would take you back and again this would not be for you. It was exhausting and I was getting upset because I could not think of a way to make you understand.

You, young William, were the first to get angry, after Esther actually who was understandably upset at your repeated attacks. You got angry, overturned your walker in rage and then pushed and pulled Esther even harder.

I could not make you understand and in the end my increased frustration led me to shout, ‘William No!’

Of course, you still did not understand. You stopeed for amoment in shock at my raised voice but you did not realy undrstand that my frustration was at you. As quickly as the words escaped my mouth with such intensity and volume I regretted them. In the end I removed the walkers from the rooms and found us all something else to do.

You and Esther played happily in your ball pool and I sobbed so disappointed in myself for what I had done.

I was not cross with you, little William. I was cross with your behaviour and my lack of ability to deal effectively with the situation. How come I can ably control a class of 30 but I cannot solve a dispute between two children of my own? I don’t understand.

I am so sorry for shouting at you William. It was inexcusable, inappropriate and not a solution to the problem we were having.

I need to find a way to make you understand but I know that shouting is not it. I really am sorry, Master William, and I love you very much.

Even when you drive me to distraction, I love you so very very much.