Today I had my first melt down in weeks.
The joy of pregnancy has stopped me from thinking about the possibility of PND for a while but today it has raised it’s ugly head once again as I ranted and raved at David with a rage he did not deserve but that I felt might make him stop and notice that I am hurting.
This break down came as we were leaving to take Esther and William for their yearly check up with the Health Visiting Team where it turned out that the lady was more concerned about my welfare than the babies. The subject of depression was raised again.
I am not depressed, I do not feel low, I feel angry that at times when I need just a little bit of help I have nowhere to turn. Most people would turn to their family, well mine are not here!! I do not have anyone, other than David, who can help when things get too much. David will help reluctantly but hates not being able to work. I always know that any time he gives will have to be given back at the weekend.
Three different people have asked me this week who is going to help me toward the end of my pregnancy with the day to day jostlings with the twins and the answer is no one! Because there is no one!
My best friend works full time, David’s parents are workingand David is working. There is literally no one.
Thinking about this makes me emotional. Seeing other babies with their Grandparents at classes we go to makes me emotional. Seeing Mummies like me at appointments with their Mummies makes me sad.
When I am exhausted and the babies are ill I would love to pick up the phone and ask my Mum to pop round but it is not easy to just pop in from Spain!
When I was pregnant with Esther and William one of the things that I was most looking forward to was our NCT classes where I was hoping we would meet a good circle of friends. Everyone I know seems to have done this. Esther and William were born before the classes began and so a circle of friends was never made.
When we were in the hospital though I did talk to other parents it was really difficult because all of my energy was focused on Esther and William, and also we were very lucky in that Esther and William had very few problems in NICU which made it harder to be friends with Mummies of babies who had.
When we came out of hospital we had to stay away from other children through the winter months to avoid catching cold, flu or RSV. This meant that by the time we started attending classes and groups in the spring lots of groups and cliques had already been formed and so we never really seemed to fit in. We also during this time had to keep family and friends at bay and I wonder now if some people have just given up trying to spend time with us.
When Esther and William were born it was hard to explain to others the fear and anxiety, the guilt, I felt. I always felt that I had to be positive for everyone else. And for Esther and William. I wonder if my little meltdowns are bursts of emotion coming through from a time when I never really let my true emotions show? David and I soldiered on through those hospital days, because that is all we could do.
This is what was going through my mind today. Tiredness, loneliness and resentment. A horrible combination perhaps tinged with fear that we may have to go through it all again.
I had planned all along to take Esther and William to their appointment alone today but they both have colds and William has a terrible cough which means that they need more attention, particularly in a clinical situation, than I can give to them both on my own. So I had to ask David to come, which he did, but now I have to have the babies on my own on Sunday morning, a time we normally all have together, so that David can make up the time. I live for the weekends at the moment as I can share the babies with David and so not have to do quite so much on my own.
I know that I am probably over emotional because I am pregnant, everyone keeps telling me I am a prime candidate for postnatal depression (PND) after all I have been through.
I honestly think that I just get tired some days.
When the babies are sick and with me being pregnant I just get more tired more easily.
I just get tired some days and I feel incredibly lonely.
Do any other Mummies of prem babies ever feel this way?
I can totally relate. I only have one baby, but I too have no one at all, the buck stops with me, and its really hard. And when Joseph was small, my hubby was in total denial and couldn’t understand why I worried about stuff like RSV.
Pregnancy is exhausting, and its no wonder you are at the end of your tether at times. Could you do NCT refresher classes for this baby?
I have thought about that but scared to book in case I don’t make them again, which is silly, as I would have to be pretty unlucky to get a twisted bowel with this pregnancy too???
Jennie, your post struck such a chord with me. I don’t have twins but I do have my own 27 weeker who is a similar age to yours and I have no family nearby and my friends work all full time. After winter hermit-hood and numerous bouts of respiratory infections I have just floundered. I think its very true that it is quite a while for feelings to come “out”; you live on adrenaline for such a long time that you are not in the position to emotionally come to terms with everything. Be gentle on yourself. Esther and William look beautiful from the pictures so you must be doing an amazing job!
Thank you … hope you have a better winter this year x
Oh Jennie it is not just mums of premies that feel that way! I know I only have one but my parents live in Wales so I hardly ever see them and my sisters live in London and Devon. Davids family are also miles away except his mum who is severely disabled and adds to family problems.
I too missed out on all the NCT as obviously wih our circumstances it was not appropriate for us to attend (well I felt it would make other mums feel uncomfortable). So it is just me all day every day with no NCT circle of friends. To a certain extent people have all given up on us too as I was totally out of circulation for a year before L arrived trying to have the other one that didnt make it.
Please hunny try and look at the positives – at least david is there to help – most people (my sister included) manage all day alone and often husbands are working away or very long hours.
I am in no way trying to belittle how you feel – I just want you to know that you are by no means the only one struggling through this – yes everyones circumstances are different but in the end it all comes down to the lonliness and isolation of being a mum in todays world.
I think to a certain extent we all look at other mums and feel that we are not as good as them, they have a much better life, more money, more support etc – but nine time out of ten it isnt reality. Everyone is struggling, particularly at the moment. But you are about to look for a lovely new home that will be just yours – something many of us can only dream of. You are pregnant (something else many of us can only dream of) – I know it is hard and I cant begin to imagine how hard parts of it have been but you have so much to look forward to – you are the dream family that the rest of us envy! And you are doing so much better than you ever dare to believe.
Please please go and see the doctor for some help – you may also be able to get some more home help. And please please start to enjoy it all – we all have bad days but yours seem so black.
Sending a huge hug xxxxx
Oh dear, now you have made me feel bad!!
I know I am not the only one who struggles, I do x x x x
Thank you for always leaving such lovely comments
Hope to see you soon if you are down this way x x x x
Oh no I dont mean to make you feel bad in any way!!! I just wish that I could hold up a mirror for you and show you what the rest of us see – a wonderful imaginative mummy who thinks of what her children need before they even know it themselves – gorgeous bright children and a loving devoted husband. Its wonderful and I am just scared that you will look back and wish that you had got some help to enable you to enjoy this special time – not that it isnt crap sometimes!!! That is all part of being normal too 🙂
You should never feel that you cant vent your feelings on us as that is what we are here for but I so want you to be happy. I get so fed up some days when I cant paint or write my book even for an hour. David is out all day doing his thing while i am stuck with nappies and sick. But it is what I signed up for and worked so hard for, and the other things will all still be there when she has grown up – and I do love my time with her – its just that the grass is always greener and there is only so much of the same book/game I can do in one day! I just wish I could hug you and make it better or point you to someone who has better answers than me ((hug)) my comments are bourne out of frustration that I cant help a friend who needs more than words xx
I am in London for more treatment at the end of Nov and again in mid Dec if you fancy a trip into the capital? Bit of Xmas shopping – eggs in the NK!!?
Loads of love xxx
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I’m sorry you’re feeling so tired. If you were a friend of mine who lived nearby I’d offer my help. I’m at home every day and my boys both attend school. I wish I could offer some advice or something but it was so long ago for me. All I can do is say let those feelings out, don’t keep it bottled up. If you do it’ll only be worse later. I really hope things ease up for you soon and those little beauties of yours are feeling better. Thinking of you. xx