A Funny Time Of Year

This time of year is a bit funny for me.

This time two years ago I should have been starting my third trimester of pregnancy with twins.

Instead I was trying to recover from major abdominal surgery whilst spending every waking moment watching two tiny babies, each fighting on alone in their steamy plastic incubators.

My babies had been born too soon.

So now Esther and William are two but they shouldn’t really be two until October.

This time in 2010 they should not really have been born but they were.
Giving birth at 27 weeks is frightening.

No one can tell you whether your babies will live or die.

No one can make any guarantees or promises.

No one really knows what to say.

The journey through NICU is a terrifying one.

It is something that you never forget.

Particularly when you know that you are the reason your precious babies are there.

It is an alien introduction to motherhood.

Not able to touch your own child.

Having twins in NICU is hard work

Which baby should I sit with, sing to, look at?

There is a soundtrack to life in NICU

Beeps and buzzers and whispered tones

Doctors conferring, nurses deliberating, parents praying

It is always hot in NICU

The days and nights there are physically exhausting

Mentally and emotionally draining

Lonely though you’re never alone

It was weeks before I was alone with my babies

A precious moment I will never forget

Our journey through NICU was the longest time

Yet the tiniest fraction of our lives together

59 days

7 weeks of moving ever closer to the door

So many mornings not knowing what we would find at the hospital

Good days and bad days

Steps forward and back

Needles and long lines

Tests and transfusions

Tears and frustrations

Fear and guilt

Love and gritted determination

So many nights

Sleepless

Expressing milk for tiny babies in somebody else’s care

Longing for cuddles with empty arms

Yearning for kisses with bursting heart

So much love

Waiting

Wanting to bring our babies home

This is a funny time of year

Reliving our journey

The highs and the lows

Wondering how it might affect our beautiful children as they grow

Wondering how to tell them

Why this time is a funny time

A funny time of year

2 thoughts on “A Funny Time Of Year

  1. What a great post, says it all. I find it hard from Mid May when Gemma was born until the August when she should have been born. It makes you realise how long a time it really was and they should have been warm and cosy growing inside us not outside getting poked and prodded.

    I can’t imagine splitting yourself between the 2 of them in nicu.Were they all beside each other? There were triplets on our unit with Gemma, they progressed at different levels and often were in 2 or 3 separate rooms. 2 went home together but one was in much longer as struggled to get off CPAP, can’t imagine how that felt as their mum couldn’t visit Iona very often with the other 2 at home although she did come in a few times with the other 2 and plenty nurses on hand to have a cuddle from the “big ones”.

    They look like they are doing very well and hopefully no lasting effects of their early arrival.

    We will never forget but hopefully easier to deal with as they get older. Gemma has now been signed off by the neonatal unit after her 2 year corrected check. Actually quite sad about that, was a nice safety net to know they were there.

    Hugs

    Sam x

  2. Brings back lots of memories reading this. It really is the hardest thing, having babies in the NICU, and having two to split your time between. For a few days my two were in different rooms because they needed the intensive care cot for another baby – my little boy was well enough to go into HDU. That was awful. We were only there for 3 1/2 weeks but it felt like forever – I can’t imagine 7.

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