Seeking Solace in a Cheesy TUC

Today I am feeling like a terrible mummy. This morning has been a perfect example of why having three children so young is so hard. I love my children dearly but on days like today they test my patience to the limit, my imagination to the full and most of all they tug so very hard on the strings of my heart.

I am not complaining, I am really not. I know there are people who are in much worse situations than me but I need to let off steam, to tell my tale and try not to feel so very disappointed in me.

Esther is really very poorly today. She is very snotty, all bunged up and hoarse with a cough. She can not do anything without crying. She is really very poor and just does not know what to do with herself. What she really needs is to be wrapped up in a loving warm hug, cosy in her mummy’s arms to have a sofa day. Together we should be watching TV, reading stories and eating restorative snacks. Of course though, I cannot do that because I have a healthy, lively William who wants to be outside and playing on this glorious sunny day. He wants more water in the water table, his car mat and cars outside, to search the fgarden for the Ninky Nonk and to be pushed on the swing. He needs me too to help with all of these things.

And so, I help William the best that I can, talk to him as he plays, whilst also trying to soothe and cuddle Esther, reassure her and help her decide what she does or does not want to do.

And all the time I am feeling guilty because I know if there was only one what I would do. The cuddles for Esther, for William more play. I know what both of my children need and I cannot give it to them, I am not being a good mummy for either of them and so I start to feel increasing frustrated and cross and disappointed in me.

And all of this is before we get to the Baby.

Baby Tilda who needs holding, feeding, entertaining, changing and soothing to sleep. Matilda is not a fan of the sunshine so I am trying to keep her shaded while laying outside in the sun with William.

On top of all of this my heart is breaking as I hear the tone of my voice changing and I know that David is listening and whoever else might be visiting our house.

I feel myself getting more and more frustrated that I am their mummy and I cannot give them everything they need. Not something so simple as my full attention when they are feeling so poor! I hate feeling so useless. So powerless.

As I write this Esther is crying herself to the sleep that she so desperately needs, William seems lost without her but is playing on regardless while I try to make some sense of what is happening by writing it down in the shade of a tree, eating cheesy biscuits, with Matilda playing by my side.

I am so lucky to have three beautiful children I adore but some days just seem to be so hard and I feel so lonely and so helpless as a big bad mummy who cannot give her children what they need and cannot seem to do anything right.

I am so disappointed in me!

4 thoughts on “Seeking Solace in a Cheesy TUC

  1. I know its easy for me to say as I only have one, but you are being way too hard on yourself.

    Even if you only have one, familiarity breeds contempt, and you can’t do anything right with them at times! Joseph gets so frustrated with me, even though his language is fantastic, I still don’t do everything the way he wants.

    Let it go.

    Stop trying to be supermum and just live in the moment. You are doing just fine, but your going to make yourself really poorly if you keep having such exacting standards. You are not their teacher, you are their mum and its ok to be a bit less than perfect. We all have shouty stressy days!

    • I hope that is true cos I really do feel like I am the only one. Everyone else just seems so natural at doing it right x I have let it go but it does help to write about it and hear feedback from other mummies x

  2. Oh bless you. I *always* call in the cavalry when one is poorly – it’s just a slippery slope otherwise, it’s impossible – and I just have the two! It doesn’t make you a bad mummy – it’s really, really hard, and some days are great and others are pants, like today. Tomorrow is another one x

  3. I only have one and I still curse myself everytime I loose my temper or shout or snap. I know though (now; it took a while to get here) that there are million of us up and down the country doing the same thing! I don’t think I was truly about to let go of “nothing but utter perfection, every millisecond of the day” attitude until partly I saw how ill it was making me and not helping and not affecting my daughter, but mostly I regularly began to socialise with other mums who would all admit feeling similar, once we had all got to know each other. Three must be so hard to co-ordinate your day. You’re fantastic just getting through each day and I’m sure your husband knows that x

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