I think I have to start seriously exploring the possibility that I may have postnatal depression of some kind.
Some days I hate myself so much.
They are coming more and more often.
The days I hate being me.
Today has been one of those days.
Everything has just felt so hard.
All three children are currently refusing to sleep so I feel like I am never getting a break and spending a lot of time and effort trying to force children go to sleep. It is exhausting.
All three children have colds and so the day is a constant round of nose wiping. Nose after nose after nose!
I know exactly the kind of Mummy and wife I want to be but I cannot find her any where. I plan wonderful days and adventures, activities that never unfold.
Every day I wake up determined that this day will be a new start and every day that I find myself alone with the children I find myself hating myself and the mummy I am a little bit more.
Most days I am fine. If we are out at a group or class I am fine. I more than hold it together I am an immensely proud mummy of three beautiful children.
If we have visitors here it is fine. Wednesdays and Fridays are my favourite days of the week as I am guaranteed some company and some help.
But as soon as we are home alone, behind closed doors, I seem to morph into this horrible raised voiced mother that I hate to be. I end up crying tears of frustration that I cannot seem to make it calmly through a day on my own.
I am scared that my children will hate me.
When Esther and William are naughty, I know what I should say, I know exactly what I should do to help them learn from the situation but before I can act in the way I know is right, I hear myself screeching at them and saying things to them that I swore I never would.
It is really starting to get me down.
I have so many ideas of things I would like to do with them but cannot make them a reality. I just do not have enough arms.
Matilda likes to be held. She deserves to have her cuddles but at the same time I want to get mucky and messy with Esther and William. And I just can’t!
Often Esther and William want to be carried and cuddled whilst I am holding Matilda and sometimes I just physically can’t.
When we go out I wear Matilda but I try not to at home as she is getting to be a big girl and my back often hurts. Also I think she needs to be out of a carrier more often than in one as she grows.
A lot of the problem I think is there is no one that understands. David, my husband, has never found anything hard in his life and cannot begin to understand why I am struggling. And even he has never dealt with all three of them on his own for longer than an hour. He has never had to try and feed Matilda, play with William and stop Esther from being naughty all at the same time. He has never driven a car on his own with one of them escaping out of their car seat, another demanding food and the third screaming because she hates being in her car seat. I do not know anyone I can talk to who does what I am trying so desperately hard to do.
It is a lonely lonely job and sometimes I just long for a cuddle from someone who understands.
Someone to say that it has happened to them and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Someone to tell me what to do when they all need me to do different things all at once?
Instead I have well meaning people telling me what a good mum I am when I know that really I am not.
I’m just not.
My toddlers don’t listen to me and my baby doesn’t get to hear me enough. I feel like I am not meeting anyone’s needs and I cannot even rememvber what my own needs are.
Writing my blog helps when I am feeling low which is why I am thinking that counselling could be a way forward for me. I think the time has come to talk to someone proper?
There is so much I do not make public on the blog that I am sure it would help to talk about.
My life has always been a complicated one. There is lots that I choose not to make public on this blog that it might just help to talk about.
I met David in May 2007 and so much has happened in a very short space of time. My feet have not touched the ground.
Meeting David, parents moving to Spain, sister moving to Australia, IVF, failed IVF, twin pregnancy, major abdominal surgery while pregnant, premature birth, NICU, parenting premature twins, surprise singleton pregnancy, wedding, new baby, three children under two, moving house with three children under two.
I have never had chance to stop and think, let alone to talk.
I still don’t really have any time but I think I need to talk.
Have you had counselling? Did it help you?