Dear Matilda Mae: The night we found you sleeping

I can’t believe you are gone x RIP Beautiful Girl x

My darling Matilda Mae

9 months ago you were born to us our beautiful miracle baby.

I was not supposed to fall pregnant naturally but I did.

People did not expect me to carry you to term but I did.

I gave birth to you and I fell in love with you the moment that first we met.

I wore you close to my heart most days of your life. You were never a fan of a buggy.

I slept wrapped around you almost every night. You never were a fan of a cot.

The bigger and cheekier and cleverer you grew

The more we fell in love

I had such plans for you Matilda Mae

In my diary I had written down what day you would start pre school, your first day at school.

I was planning our adventures til then.

I planned out your bedroom for when you were moved. Pink horses and teepees, white bed.

You never made it into your own bedroom.

You never slept more than a metre from me for more than just a few hours.

Your cot remained in our room, right by the side of our bed.

Though mostly it lay empty as you attached to my breast through each night.

You woke me each morning with you nuzzling.

Gazing at me with your deep chocolate eyes.

My dearest darling Matilda Mae.

On the 2nd February 2013 you were exactly 9 months old.

You had been out in the world just as long as you were growing inside me.

You learned to crawl that very day.

You had been trying so hard all week but that day you gained power and speed.

The world was yours for the taking.

But instead I fear that you crawled to your death.

You crawled to the angels to take your place there.

Far far far too soon.

The last time I saw you with spirit and soul

I lay you down to sleep

I fed you as I always do then lay you in your cot

You were so beautiful, so peaceful, asleep

Later you cried and your Daddy came to soothe you, to wind you

Later still I came to feed you, just as I always do

I could not hear you breathing as I entered the darkened room

I placed my hand where your chest should be

To feel the movement of your breath

You were not there Matilda Mae

I could not find you where you were supposed to be

I turned on the light so quickly

And a horror met my eyes

You had turned and crawled under your blankets

I pulled you out but I knew

Before I saw you I knew

My beautiful darling daughter lay dead in my arms

She had gone from us while falling asleep

My precious daughter Matilda Mae

I screamed your Daddy’s name at the top of my voice

I shrieked I wailed I cried

Daddy tried so hard to save you

He did all he could til the ambulance came

They tried everything possible they could

But you were gone from us

Our beautiful baby was gone

A mother does not lose a baby

You were physically wrenched from my heart

I cannot imagine my life without you

I don’t know where to start

I love you with all that I am

I can’t bear that I could have saved you

I listened for you, you made no sound I heard

I should have checked you

I should have come to bed earlier

I should have known

I am your mummy

I should have saved you

I cannot believe that you are no longer here

I miss you with all that I am

You are my baby

No words can describe the searing pain in my heart

The mixture of love and loss and confusion and grief and desperation for what I am supposed to do without you

What are we supposed to do without you?

Dear Matilda Mae

You are with the stars now

You will be shining down on us as we remember you and live our lives in your honour

I am going to make you so proud and I am going to make your life matter

Just as soon as I can stop myself thinking that this is all just a bad dream and some time soon you will wake up and cry and I will lift you from your cot and you will wrap your arms round my neck and cuddle me as you have always done.

You are part of me.

You are dead and a part of me has died too.

I am not sure how to find the dawn after the night we found you sleeping.

Matilda Mae, the day she died

269 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: The night we found you sleeping

  1. Oh Jennie, I have been crying with you since you told us she was gone. I cannot believe it. She is such a beautiful baby, she is so loved, it is so unfair.

    I don’t know what else to say. I am thinking of you, your husband, your children and of course your darling baby Matilda Mae.

    She is so special to so many and will never be forgotten.

    with lots of love always,


  2. Jennie I won’t begin to lie and say I know what you are going through as this pain is beyond my comprehension. You are so brave and strong to write this post. My family are so sorry for your loss. Your precious, beautiful Matilda Mae will be in our prayers.

  3. Jennie, I have tears streaming, which seems so inadequate. I truly hope you will find the strength through writing. I cannot imagine what you have and are going through.
    Matilda Mae will ensure so many live their life by her example. A true Angel, guiding you and your family forever.
    So many hugs, and so much love is all I have to offer. I hope you find your way to celebrate Matilda’s life and know that we are all sending our strength to you and yours xx

  4. I am so, so sorry to read of your loss of your little girl. My heart has broken for you and with you. So beautifully written. A wonderful tribute. I cannot begin to comprehend, but my thoughts are with you and when I see the stars in future, I will know she is there.

  5. Beautiful and heartbreaking. I’m sure Matilda Mae is already the proudest star in the sky. What an lot of love she had and was given in 9 months.

    So sorry for your tragic loss, thinking of you and your family in this difficult time. Shine brightly Matilda x

  6. Typing through my tears – I am just desperately sorry that this has happened. Beautiful, perfect baby girl Matilda Mae, may you rest in peace. Jennie you are in my heart and my thoughts. xxxx

  7. Jennie – this is truly incomprehendable. She was such a smiley little girl – you and your family must have made her so happy. I so admire your obvious strength and courage. Just devestated for you & your family. How unfair & awful life can be.

    Thinking of you.


  8. She is so beautiful. I still can’t believe what’s happened to you all and I’m so very sorry for your loss and wish I could help in some way or just take your pain away. You’ve written that so well, really beautiful words for a very perfect baby girl xx

  9. oh Jennie I cannot begin to Imagine how hard that night must of been for you two. but my heart is Sending love to you both and the twins, I have thought about you every Second since I heard the news. I have cried tears and lit a candle for beautiful maltida mae. She will always be remembered. i just wish I could do something to ease your pain.

  10. Jennie , What beautiful heartbreaking words these are. My wife & I don’t know you but you have not left our thoughts since we read your devastating tweet yesterday. We keep looking at our 8 month old twins & shaking our heads , thinking what you must be going through, but just can’t comprehend . You must take strength from all the support on twitter & find your own way to grieve & remember Matilda Mae . It is clear she is deeply loved . Thoughts with you at this time x

  11. Oh Jennie, my heart breaks for you. This is so so cruel.

    Matilda was a special girl, you know the fact that she is the one that made me realise that The Boy was not meant to be an only child. She was a truly special baby. It feels callous to say treasure those nine months because it should have been more, so much more. I’m glad for you that she didn’t like the cot or the pram because the feeling of her will never leave you. She is the brightest star in the sky shining down on her beloved mummy.

  12. I can’t even imagine what you are going through and I know that nothing that we say will make you feel better, but I just want you to know that we are all thinking of you. I’m sure Matilda Mae is looking down on you all and is proud to have such a loving family. I wish you all the strength and love to get through this as a family. Big hugs! x

  13. Oh Jennie I am so sad for your loss, it is so terribly cruel and I wish I could take away your pain.

    I know you will make Matilda Mae so proud, you David, Ester and William. Matilda Mae has touched so many peoples lives already she is a true shinning star.

    Not many people get to see an angel but you held one in your arms.

    Love and thoughts with you all xxxxxxxxxxx

  14. Darling Jennie.

    I know nothing eases the pain. Be gentle on yourself and on each other. There is no fault, no blame. There is just loss, desperate aching loss. And there are some things which you must give yourself time before you tackle. Don’t punish yourself. We have lost our babies; that is enough, you do not deserve to suffer more. For some unbearable reason, that was Matilda’s day, the one fated to be her last one here. You couldn’t have saved her; had you made any other choice that day, something would have transpired to take her. Don’t blame yourself, dearest mama. You loved her, cherished her. She knew that.

    I am so sorry. I would take all the pain to save any other woman going through this. It would almost make it worth the horror of losing a child. I wish I could change this for you.

  15. Pingback: So hard to find the words.

  16. Jennie I cannot imagine what must you must be going through, it’s beyond comprehension. This is the most beautiful post I’ve ever read filled with raw emotion. It must have been so very difficult for you to write. I wish I could make everything better for you. Sending hugs x

  17. I lost my great nan yesterday, yet I’m still to greave. But for you and Matilda Mae I have shed a thousand tears. I keep checking your Twitter and greaving along with you, just like everybody else. Please don’t have those regrets and stop thinking what ifs. It wasn’t your fault. life is so heart wrenchingly cruel. You gave Matilda Mae an amazing 9months you should be so proud. Your words are making me treasure my daughter now, so Thank you for that. My heart is broken like everyone else, I can not Imagine how it must be for you, time is a healer. I really am so sorry. I’m sending big hugs to you all, Please try and rest. Alice @whatbabyloves

  18. Jennie, I am so, so sorry for your terrible loss but please know there was nothing you could do. My son fell asleep in my arms after a feed one morning and, despite being a paediatric RGN, I couldn’t bring him back. Don’t blame yourself, just remember how wonderfully loved and happy your daughter was while she was with you. Prayers for you and your family to have the strength to get through the coming days and weeks xxx

  19. I am so sorry for you. I cant begin to imagine your families pain.
    Your beautiful baby girl will be the brightest star in the sky. Shining for all to see.
    I send love and hope that you find a way to come to terms with your tragic loss.

  20. Oh Jennie what beautiful words for a beautiful girl. I remember meeting you very briefly at the Mad Blog awards in 2011, I admired your pretty and floaty dress! You must have been pregnant with Matilda then. From the moment she was conceived I believe she shall always be a part of you. My baby boy born 2005 was born prematurely and did not make it and I had about a day all in to hold him and say goodbye. It is never enough though is it. I didn’t want the medication to stop the milk as I saw my milk for him as also my tears for him.

    I know it doesn’t feel fair and its just horrid that life has to go on, like you I had other children who needed me and I have to say that helped. Treasure those special, wonderful 9 months you had her inside you and also those precious 9 months when she was there next to you, by your side. You’ll always be her mummy, your other children’s sister and your daughter. Her memory shall live on, in all those who knew and loved her. I can’t imagine the scene when you found her but to relate a little when my son born 2006 who again was prem but thrived and we took him home had only been home from SCBU some days, he had what they call an ALTE he went blue, then grey, then stopped breathing and I thought he had gone, he was lifeless like a rag doll. I screamed and panicked and it was my husband who took over and as he was already in my arms at the time he stopped breathing my husband acted quickly and he came back to us with help from the paramedics. I had already lost one baby and couldn’t bear to loose another only the year after. Even now I have to check on him in bed all the time at 6 yrs as I shall never forget that lifeless ness look he had all those years ago. Apologies to go on about my experiences but I am a talker and I guess helps me too.

    My heart goes out to you x x x x

  21. Such a beautiful post for a beautiful baby girl, her eyes are the cutest chocolate brown eyes I have ever seen.

    I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling, but I want you to know that you, your husband and the twins are in my thoughts. Heaven has gained a true Angel.

  22. I tried commenting from my phone, but I don’t think it went through. I am so sorry for your loss, mama. So very, very sorry. I lost my first unexpectedly after birth. It hurts, I know. It hurts and it’s hard and I just want you to know I’m here. I’m here and I’m listening.

  23. Jennie, my heart breaks for you in this dark hour.
    Please, please, please don’t torture yourself further with what ifs! Neither of you are to blame for this tragic loss of Matilda Mae way too soon. Jennie, you are a wonderful mother and, as your own writing testifies, you give your all to your beautiful angels.
    I trust, that in time, you may find some comfort remembering just how much she was loved and cherished in her short stay with you and that she knew it, remembering the happy moments you gave eachother and find a way to make the pain less raw.
    sending you lots of love and strength!

  24. Jennie, im heartbroken for you. It should never happen. We all continue to hold you in our hearts and hold out our hands for you to hold. Xxx shine brightly special girl xx

  25. Jennie,

    I’m so sorry that your Matilda Mae is gone. She was an completely beautiful baby. I wish you did not have to know this pain and devastation but all I can offer is the reassurance that you are not alone. There are many more of us than there should be and we will be here to read your words, feel your pain and remember Matilda Mae with you.

  26. Jennie I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and like many people I haven’t stopped thinking about you since it happened. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, I can’t imagine how you are feeling and how much pain must be in your heart. They are only words and they don’t mean much but you know that you have hundreds of people thinking about you. I know that doesn’t even slightly take it away though.
    Matilda Mae was absolutely beautiful and you are the perfect Mummy- I have no doubt you will make her so proud.
    Thinking of you and your family. I’m sorry. Xxxxx

  27. I have no words at this dark time Jennie. Suffice to say there are many people who love you and your beautiful family and are thinking if you all constantly. All my love and thoughts go out to you all. xxx

  28. Jennie I think you are so amazing for your strength and writing this. Our thoughts are with you all at this time.
    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you xxx

  29. Such a beautiful tribute for a beautiful little angel. Your courage and strength will get you through this awful time. I pray for your whole family and know that your beautiful little girl is with the angels. Sleep tight Matilda Mae. X

  30. Dear Jennie, I don’t know you, but I’m leaving a comment because I know how much they mean in a time like this. I am a friend of Merry’s.
    I am so so sorry your beautiful Matilda Mae has gone from your arms. She will never leave your heart, I can promise you that.x

  31. Stay strong, your daughters spirit will help you through every day and even though she is no longer with you in person she will remain in your hearts for always xxx

  32. Jennie

    So very sorry for your loss of such a wonderful little girl. A beautiful but truly heart wrenching tribute. Our love and prayers go out to you and your family. xx

  33. jennie words are not enough to express to you how very sorry i am for you. life is so unfair and this should never happen to a parent. she was such a beautiful little girl and i dont know how you find the strength to carry on yet i know you must for the sake of the twins. i think about you all the time and just feel so sad forr everything that has happened.

    i dont know if this will help, i am not religious by any means but i like to think there is somewhere where your little angel has gone a ‘heaven’ for beautiful angels such as she xxxxx

    Don’t think of her as gone away
    her journey’s just begun,
    life holds so many facets
    this earth is only one.

    Just think of her as resting
    from the sorrows and the tears
    in a place of warmth and comfort
    where there are no days and years.

    Think how she must be wishing
    that you could know today
    how nothing but your sadness
    can really pass away.

    And think of her as living
    in the hearts of those she touched…
    for nothing loved is ever lost
    and she was loved so much.

    if i could take it all away for you Jennie , i would
    take care and hold your hubby and children even tighter through this as they will help xxxxx

  34. We are all davastated. Matilda was just such a bright star. She was at that adorable age when she was convinced that everyone at Funtrain was there to entertain her. I don’t think we ever heard her cry. I cannot begin to imagine how dreadfully sad you all must feel but your twins performed immaculately yesterday. They danced, held hands and when the hugged each other it just about finished us all off. We are here to support you Jennie and I have had so many emails from parents wanting to do something to celebrate Matilda’s life and support you and your family. I have always felt the classes are an extended family and even more so now. We are here with open arms when you are ready to see us. E and W will give you the strength to carry on. Just call if you would like me to have them anytime. Peggy and all your Funtrain friends xx

  35. What a beautiful baby girl, my heart broke reading these words, but what you have written is so fitting for such a precious soul. I don’t know you Jennie but as a Mum to another Mum I just wanted to say how sorry I am to read about Matilda Mae’s death. I wish that you and your family are held up, surrounded by the love of those around you. Kia Kaha Arohanui. (Keep strong, sending all my love)

  36. i heard your news through a friend who also blogs and i cant begin to comprehend how you feel i really can not . I just wanted to say as a mother that i could not read and run and had to leave you a message to say my heart genuinely aches for you and your family . Your little girl is beautiful x

  37. I haven’t stopped thinking about you and your beautiful girl since I heard. What on earth to you say to a mother who has lost her child? I just don’t know what to say, not that I imagine anything I or anyone else could say would ease the pain you’re going through, I’m just so unbelievably sorry that you’re going through this x

  38. Jennie, like so many others I am writing to you through the tears, but I know you will have written this blog through a thousand tears. I can’t pretend I know how you feel. I know how empty and lonely it feels to be a mother without her baby, but I lost my baby girls before they were born. Please don’t torture yourself with blame – I know it is pointless saying this because you will, but you didn’t cause this tragedy, it is not your fault.

    I will say that Matilda Mae’s life did matter, does matter and you will make her proud. I feel certain that whatever it is that you decide to do in her memory will be powerful and will change the lives of others.

    The loss of an infant is so dreadfully wrong, and the loss of a child goes against everything a parent feels is natural. I know you had dreams and plans for your little girl. I am so sorry you have lost the baby you know now and the little girl, adolescent and woman she would have been. But MM will live on in your hearts and will be with you in so many ways; in the sun when it shines, the snow when it falls, the bird that lands in your garden, the brightest star at night and the rainbow after the storm. You will feel her and you will see her.

  39. sorry doesn’t come close to it but I can’t stop thinking about you and your tragic loss. stay strong for the twins and cherish the small amount of time you had with her. big hugs (())

  40. no words can console you Jennie but feel the collective love of those around you and out in the wider community, fall back into their arms and feel their support. So much love for you all in these dark day x

  41. I shall not cry for you as those tears are yours and your families. My Cousins Baby Girl died of Cot Death many years ago and my Niece’s son died in Infancy. A loss of such potential so early is horrendous and wrong, so wrong. Thinking of you and your family at this life changing moment. Now there will only be a before and an after.

  42. I keep thinking of something worthy and comforting to day, but those words just do not come. I want you to know that I am thinking of you all, all of the time. RIP Matilda Mae. You will be one of the brightest stars now xxxx

  43. I don’t know you but there are so many tears. I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little girl.

    When my son died people used to say to me ‘take it one day at a time’ but that was too big, I couldn’t cope with a day – I had to to get through those early days 20 minutes at a time.
    Sending you love and strength
    Janine xxxx

  44. Sending you love and strength to get through these darks days. There aren’t any words that I can offer that could possibly make any of this better so all I can do is pray for you and your family. You’ll make it through this. Matilda Mae has left her mark on the world, even if her time here was cut cruelly short. She’ll never be forgotten.

  45. Beautiful words for a beautiful girl.
    I have not stopped thinking of you & your family since I heard this.
    I can not offer anything to even try & take away your pain, but I hope you find some comfort in the cherished moments you had with Matilda Mae.

  46. I am so sad to hear your story and as a Mummy I can imagine the agony you must be feeling. I am beyond sorry and there are no real words I can offer other than to say that many beautiful angels get their wings before they have even begun to live on earth. She is with God and safe and she will watch over you until you are together again x

  47. Jennie, I am so so sorry for the loss of Matilda May. I will be thinking of you and your family in the coming weeks and months. Your story of her life has touched many people, thus she lives on xxx

  48. Dearest Jennie and family, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, it is unimaginable pain for any mother. I wish there was more I could say or do but can only hope you can feel some of the love coming from all of the people who are thinking of you. Your daughter was beautiful, RIP little one x

  49. I can’t say anything to you that hasn’t already been said, Jennie. I can’t say anything to take away the excruciating pain that you are feeling. I can’t say anything to change what has happened. I so wish, with all my heart, that I could. This is the most cruelest of things to ever happen. RIP beautiful Matilda Mae. Love and hugs to you, now and always xxx

  50. Jennie. What a beautiful little girl. Life is so cruel – even that word doesn’t seem enough to describe the horror you are going through. Please try to find a lifeline of support and stay strong as a couple. Hold one another, lean on one another and don’t stop talking. Hold her memories alive for you and your other children. Heartbroken for you x x

  51. Jennie – there is nothing I can say to make this better, I can not say I know how you feel, I just can send my love to you and your family.
    I feel honoured to have met and tickled and smiled with Matilda Mae she was truly a beautiful baby.
    This is a beautiful message to her, I wish I had a way to make it all better.

  52. Words mean nothing – and finding the right ones is so hard. There is nothing that can be said to make it better or make it go away… but the support you have right here is immense and Matilda Mae will NEVER be forgotten. She will always be there, right where she always was, in your heart x

  53. So so sad to read this beautiful dedication to your little girl. We only have a mutual friend in common but as a parent I couldn’t read and not leave and not leave my thoughts and sympathy’s. I hope your family pulls close together through this dark time. x

  54. Jennie I am struggling to find the words to express how sorry I am. Your beautiful girl. You sound like such a wonderful mummy and the love you have for her will last forever. Imagine all those people on twitter holding hands and surrounding you with as much comfort and strength as we can muster. Take care xxx

  55. I do not know you, but heard your sad news through a friend and have not stopped thinking about you and your family and you’re terrible tragic loss. We are not a religious family, but the poem below helped my sister through the loss of my niece, as she too blamed herself. It talks not only of the loss, but also that the special child was sent to special parents. You are a wonderful mother who gave Matilda Mae as much love and joy as she gave you, never forget the fact that during her life your beautiful daughter knew every day that she was loved and cherished and always will be.

    “I’ll lend to you for a little time,
    A child of mine,” God said,
    “For you to love while she lives
    And mourn for when she’s dead.”

    “It may be six or seven years
    Or twenty-two or three,
    But will you till I call her back,
    Take care of her for me?”

    “She’ll bring her charms to gladden you
    And should her stay be brief,
    You’ll have these precious memories
    To comfort you through grief.”

    “I cannot promise she will stay
    Since all from earth return.
    But there are lessons taught down there
    I want this child to learn.”

    “I’ve looked this world over,
    In my search for teachers true.
    In the crowds of this great land,
    I have selected you.”

    “Now will you give her all your love
    Not think the labor vain,
    Nor hate me when I come to call
    To take her back again?”

    It seems to me I heard them say,
    “Dear Lord, thy will be done.
    For all the joys a child shall bring,
    The risk of grief we’ll run.”

    “We’ll shelter her with tenderness,
    We’ll love her while we may,
    And for the happiness we’ve known
    Forever grateful stay.”

    “And should the angels call for her
    Much sooner than we’ve planned,
    We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes
    And try to understand.”

  56. Jennie, I am so so sorry for your loss, I can not imagine what you are going through right now but my heart goes out to you and your family xxxxxx

  57. Oh Jennie my heart is with you and your family at this awful time. No words can make it better just know that all your friends in the blogging and twitter world are all here for you xxx

  58. Oh Jennie, I can’t imagine your pain, and saying anything just doesn’t seem enough. Keep writing, say whatever is in your head and heart – you have an army of good listeners here. Thinking of you and your family. God bless Matilda Mae xx

  59. Jennie, this is such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful baby girl. You. are already so much braver and stronger than you realise, keeping it together for the twins. I have thought about you all every minute since I heard the tragic news. My heart breaks for you all. I wish I could take some of your pain away. This is so, so unfair. Keira xxx

  60. Oh Jennie… you are so incredible, your words are so beautiful, as is Matilda Mae. Life is so cruel. There will be a dawn for you and Matilda Mae will be the sun and the warmth shining down on you all. We all wish we could ease your pain and we are all here to listen whenever you need it. xxxx

  61. I wish I knew what to say. I can’t even begin to imagine how you must be going through. I am so so sorry for your tragic loss, it is so desperately sad. This is a beautiful tribute to Matilda Mae. My thoughts are with you all x

  62. How absolutely devastating. I’m so very very sorry for the tremendous loss of your beautiful darling daughter. Rest In Peace Matilda Mae. x

  63. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Your post is written with such beauty and bravery. May you feel supported by the love of everyone around you? There is a bright star in the sky. RIP little angel. You were on loan for such a short time xxx

  64. This is so unbelievably sad. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine what you and your family are going through. My thoughts are with you all. I wish for you all the strength to get through this awful time. Xx

  65. Jennie, such a beautifully written post, you are an extremely brave person. I do not know what to say, other than I am so sorry. You gave her the best 9 months of life that she could have possibly wanted, that is something to always cherish, the little memories, the little things that only you know about… Keep them all locked up safe and carry on fighting strong and brave for your husband and the beautiful twins. xxxx

  66. I do not know you and your family, but know people who have been touched by you and your loss. I cannot begin to understand what you are going through, and will forever go through, but couldn’t not say anything. Your darling girl only had 9 short months in this world, but from reading your blog and this post, in the life she had she knew only love, happiness, security and peace. Matilda Mae was a beautiful girl, I hope you can all find it in you to somehow carry on with her in your hearts instead of your arms.

    ”How much we love and miss you, no words can ever say, we only know without you, there is no perfect day”

    Katie xxxxxx

  67. Jennie, we’ve never met or spoken but your beautiful family has captured our hearts and we are heart broken for your family’s loss of your beautiful baby girl. There are no words adequate, nothing to say other than there is no fault, no cause or blame – please do not punish or question yourself in that way – you are a wonderful Mum of that there is no doubt. I hope that you all find peace and comfort in each others arms and take comfort from knowing that you are loved and cared for greatly by the blogging community. Peace to you all and shine brightly Matilda Mae xxxx

  68. Dear Jennie, with all my heart, I am so sorry. Matilda Mae, such a beautiful baby girl. I cannot stop crying for you and thinking of you. Sending all my love to you, your husband and your beautiful Estha and William. Sleep tight with the angels Matilda Mae xxx xxx xxx

  69. Her Smile (a friend read this as a tribute to his son, I hope it gives you some comfort)

    Though her smile
    Is gone forever
    And her hand you cannot touch
    you still have
    so many memories
    of the one
    you loved so much
    Her memory is your keepsake
    with which you’ll never part
    God has her in his keeping
    you have her in your heart

    RIP Matilda Mae xx

  70. Pingback: For Jennie & Matilda Mae | Whiskey For Aftershave

  71. No amount of words will help you in such a hard time but I am so so so so sorry! I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through! Nobody deserves to lose a child. RIP angel xxxxxxxxx

  72. Dear Jennie & Family,

    I am not quite sure what to write having never met you, but as a mother to two girls my heart aches for your loss. I hope you find the strength and courage to get through this incredibly hard time.

    With Love

    Chet x

  73. Dearest Jennie,

    Such a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Matilda is such an incredibly beautiful and happy baby. I am so sorry that she has left this world. No mother, family should have to go through this. I am so truly sorry xx

  74. Im am so devastated for your loss Jennie :(
    Words can not describe how much pain I feel for your family.
    Rest in peace little one, you should be here with your mummy.

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  77. I am so so sorry for your loss Jennie. I have been thinking of you and your family.

    I can’t offer much save for my own knowledge of grief. The coulds and the shoulds will drive you mad. Time is a balm, the pain will stay but you will find a way to live with it. She will live always in your hearts. Grief is a deeply individual experience and noone else will truly understand you but they will still reach for you from their own grief.

    This feels so useless but I wanted to reach out all the same x

  78. So very very sorry for your loss. I’ve never read your blog before today but have tears streaming down my face. Life can be so unfair, but she was obviously showered in love during her special little life and gave a lot of love back to you as well xx

  79. Jennie, like so many others on here my heart breaks over and over for you right now. I am
    so very sorry for what has happened. I hope that your gift for words in some small way helps you through this. xxx

  80. Jennie, My heart goes out to you my love. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this pain & hurting. I can’t even begin to imagine how raw this pain must be. You and your family are in my thoughts. Lots of Love Jo x

  81. Dear Jennie, we have never met but I have followed your journey via twitter and my heart goes out to you at this so very sad time.

    I cannot say anything that will make you feel better but send you and your family love at this time and ask that the angels look after your beautiful girl.

    RIP Matilda Mae xx

  82. As I sit here, I pause for ages thinking about what I can write – there are no words that can describe how sorry I am for the loss of Matilda Mae, and no mind can comprehend why she is now with the angels. I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and all of your family at this sad time and I’m sure your little precious Matilda Mae will be shining brightly in the sky and sending lots of love and hugs to protect you all.


  83. Like everyone else, I have been thinking of you and your beautiful daughter every second since I heard the news. There’s very little I could say that hasn’t been said, and I feel quite sad that I never commented here before now. But I felt the need to reach out.

    I know the pain you feel right now is unimaginable. And I know that no future you can think of could ever feel like it’s right without her in your life.

    Many years ago, what happened to you happened to my own parents. My brother, Jacob, was nearly 3 months old, asleep in his cot only a few feet from where my mother slumbered. It had been a rough night – she’d been up with him for a lot of it, and when he cried that morning, she was so exhausted that she held her breath and said a silent prayer for just a little more sleep. She could hear my brother and sister playing quietly in their bedroom, and she just wanted a few more minutes before she had to get up and face the day. She was relieved when his crying stopped, and she dozed for a few minutes more.

    When she woke up, her eyes went to him, and something in her knew he was no longer there. My dad was at work. She screamed alone and terrified. She was only 23 years old, and she had just lost her son.

    The guilt she felt (still feels) is enormous. She wonders why she didn’t just get up at his cry. Why was she so selfish as to want more sleep? It was literally a matter of a few minutes, but it had changed her whole life forever.

    It’s been 34 years, and I know it still hurts her. And my father. But in time, they were able to get through it. For the sake of the other kids, yes, but for their own sakes too. They learned to forgive themselves for what they knew they couldn’t control. Each day got a little easier. And in the end, they went on to have two more children (my brother and me). Jacob is never forgotten by any of us – even those of us who never knew him.

    I wanted to share this with you to help you to understand that your pain and sadness will never truly go away… but it will get easier to cope with. You will find a new understanding of joy and take pleasure in the smallest things. You will find new strength and purpose in life.

    I am holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and sending out love and light to you all. I am SO so sorry for your loss.

  84. I cannot think of a single thing that I, as a total stranger, could say that could help in any way at this moment, but I wanted to tell you how beautifully eloquent your words were and how very very sorry I am for your loss. Simmi xxx

  85. What a beautiful post for your beautiful baby girl. My heart is truly breaking for you and your family. I am so, so sorry for your loss, words will never be enough. I hope you can find the strength to get through these dark days. Much love xx

    She was so very, very special
    And was so from the start
    You held her in your arms
    But mainly in your heart
    And like a single drop of rain
    That on still waters fall,
    Her life did ripples make
    And touched the lives of all.
    She’s gone to play with angels
    In heaven up above
    So keep your special memories
    And treasure them with love
    Although your darling daughter
    Was with you just a while
    She’ll live on in your heart
    With a sweet remembered smile

  86. I’m so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and your husband. My wife and I lost our newborn daughter, Lauren, 16 months ago.

  87. I have been thinking about what I want to say to you since I last read this last night but there really are no words. Please know I am holding your family very close in my thoughts xxx

  88. Jennie, I’m so heartbroken for you and your family. I know there’s nothing anyone can say that will ease your pain, just know we’re all thinking about you and sending you strength and lots of love. Matilda Mae was such a beautiful baby and your blog is a beautiful celebration of her short life. RIP. xxxx

  89. I have only just learned of your blog, Jennie, and while I don’t know you, I feel compelled to share all the love, warmth, solace, strength and hope I have in me with you. I will continue to think of you and your family.

  90. Jennie, I’m so so sorry to hear about beautiful little Matilda Mae She was an absolutely gorgeous little girl and I’m utterly heartbroken for you and your family. Sending you lots and lots of love.

  91. I am so terribly sorry for you and your family. I was going to say that I’m sorry for your loss, but the word “loss” seems wholly inappropriate. It’s not a loss, it’s a theft, and my heart breaks for you all. Sleep tight beautiful Matilda Mae x

  92. Such a heart breaking story. It makes me cry every time I think about it. I cannot begin to imagine the grief you are going through right now after losing your precious baby girl. I will hold you and your family in my heart and pray for you that you may know comfort and strength in these difficult

  93. Dear Jennie. This is such an achingly beautiful & heartbreaking tribute. I do not know you but wanted to send your family my love and prayers. I cannot imagine the pain you are all feeling and am so very, very sorry for your loss. May Matilda Mae be at rest with the angels.

  94. Dear Jennie, we don’t know each other but I just can’t stop thinking about you since I heard of your heartbreaking loss. My heart is filled with sorrow for you. I have so many thoughts and so few words. She was a beautiful, beautiful little girl. Be at peace, little one. You will always be in our thoughts. Xx

  95. I am a stranger to you, come here through Merry’s blog, but I couldn’t leave without just saying that I have read, and cried for you all, and that I am so very sorry for your loss.

  96. Jennie, your words are the most heartbreaking and sorrowful I have ever read but thank you for sharing them.

    This time last week, you & I were sitting on a village hall floor watching our baby girls exploring brightly coloured feathers, and each other.

    I can make no sense of what has happened and my tears just keep coming for you and your family. Like everyone else, I feel desperate to help but useless – there is absolutely nothing I can say or do to take away your pain. All I can promise you is that when Bella-Rose is old enough to understand, I will ensure that she knows what a precious day, Wednesday 30th January 2013 was and how lucky we both are to have spent such a special moment in time with your very beautiful angel, Matilda Mae.

    Have fun playing with the other baby angels Matilda Mae, you will be in our thoughts forever.

    Lou from JB

  97. I heard of your tragic loss through my sister (Clare Searing) and just wanted to leave a message of support….I can think of no words….reading this website has broken my heart for you and I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. I think you are incredibly brave for sharing your thoughts and feelings and hope it is helping you through these dark days. It sounds like you have a very loving family around you and I hope you are finding strength from one another at this impossible time. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Helen Watson xxx

  98. Through your friend Nazmin (I’m her husband), I heard of this, and it was totally hearbreaking. There are no words me or anybody can say that will offer any real comfort, but my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. May Matilda Mae rest in eternal peace. xxx

  99. I am so, so sorry for your tragic loss. I cannot begin to comprehend what you are going through. I don’t know you but I have been thinking of you and Matilda Mae over the last few days. My thoughts really are with you. This post, beautifully executed, must have been the hardest thing you have ever had to write XXX.

  100. Jennie, I knew briefly of you before today but I have only just learnt the heartache you are going though! I am laying in bed crying my eyes out feeling your pain. My son Hayden & Matilda Mae are only a month apart. I can only imagine what you and your family are going through. You are in my thoughts and prays.
    You are an amazing woman & I am so so so sorry for your loss.

    Lotte xo

  101. Dear Jennie, I am so sorry for the loss of Matilda Mae ( I had the pleasure of meeting you just a few times at minisigners with Esther and William) and now I cannot find the right words to say, but I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my thoughts. Michelle x

  102. We do not know you, you are a friend of our friend. However, I have not stopped thinking about you, your family and your precious baby since I heard of your tragic loss.
    Matilda Mae will never leave you; she will always be in your heart and you in hers. God bless you and keep you safe Matilda xx

  103. You have been in my thoughts since Sunday afternoon. Like many, I’ve never met you, only followed you through your blog and twitter but you are in my thoughts and I’m crying reading this and I wish it was a bad dream for you so badly. May your beautiful daughter sleep well. Heaven has truly gained a beautiful Angel.

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  106. I have come to you via Me, the man and the baby. I am so sorry for your loss. I have a little girl and if I lost her my world would end. I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. My love to your family xxx

  107. Words can’t begin to express how I feel. I wish I could take the pain away.
    I am so very sorry for your loss.
    At the moment there is no explanation.
    Pray to her, for she will definitely hear you, and feel her close.
    Lots of love,
    L xx

  108. I know the sense of heartbreak I feel from reading your words and hearing of your most tragic loss of your gorgeous baby daughter, Matilda Mae, is a mere fraction of what you and your husband are feeling and it already feels unbearable for me, a stranger…so truly devastating…but the strength you have found to write so beautifully at this time is such a tribute to you as a clearly amazing woman and devoted mother…I hope your continued writings will help you navigate a path through your grief..our love, thoughts & prayers to you & your family

  109. Oh Jennie,
    I am in rivers of tears for your loss, your beautiful daughter. There are no words. But please know that through you and your family the beauty of her heart and her spirit will live on. If I can do anything – anything at all, ever, please just ask me. All my love, Genevieve

  110. Your words are so eloquent at a time of immense pain and heartbreak. It is unimaginable, the pain you must be experiencing. My words are lacking but I wanted to send my love to you and all your family and friends. I hope that your heart will be pieced back together in time. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. With love, Gem x

  111. I have very recently started blogging and came across your website when researching and I just cannot not comment, my heart literally broke for you upon reading your devastating news. I literally cannot imagine what you are going through but ever since I read this you are constantly in my thoughts, sending much love and wishing upon everything that this had not happened to you and your lovely family.

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  113. So beautifully written and such a wonderful tribute to your beautiful Matilda. I was at your Funtrain class when the news was told of your tragic loss. I have thought of little else since. Your daughter will always be remembered by me and so many people as the happy beautiful baby with stunning eyes. She always seemed special somehow. She will stay alive in your heart and memories. This has touched so many people, we cannot imagine, dare not imagine how it would feel to have been through what you have and I pray for your strength and love for Matilda to get you through.

    This could so easily have happened to anyone. You did nothing wrong. Nothing at all xx

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  116. Hi
    I sent you the Child Of Mine poem just after beautiful MM became an angel. I do keep an eye on your Twitter page & possibly your ability to verbalise your emotions is what scares some people. Yes it’s raw, and I think unless you have lost you cannot comprehend. If it is a way for you cope, if it is a way for you to grieve and share MM’s wonderful but brief life, then continue xx

  117. Hi Jennie & Family,

    Although I have never met you, I didn’t want to read your story and not comment.

    I know that nothing I say will help, but I wanted you to know that I am so sorry for your loss and I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your baby. Some days will be harder than others but you have your other 2 gorgeous children to keep your strength up.

    I am so sorry that you have to go through this xxxx

  118. Your words are so beautiful about your wonderful Matilda I wanted to send you all my love and strength I am so so sorry.

    Her spirit will always live on xxx

  119. I just came across your post and I cried. No one knows why these things happened but we just need to have peace in knowing that she is in a much better place…

    I am so sorry for you loss and I cannot begin to imagine your pain. But know that you are a strong woman… take heart xxx

  120. I have no words of comfort for you. I am sitting here bawling as I cradle my newborn son.
    We had a loss at 35 weeks and I delivered my daughter sleeping.
    It is my biggest fear to lose my son to SIDS.
    Hugs to you xxoo

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  122. Dear Jennie, I too just couldn’t read this and not comment. Those words to your daughter Matilda Mae are amazing and so beautiful, I’m just so sorry that you had to write them at all. I’m sitting here in tears and can’t imagine the pain you are going through, I’m so sorry. xx

  123. Matilda is a lovely name and she will always be your daughter. My heart ached for you ‘cos my daughter, Leia, passed on at home at 4 months on 26 Dec 2010. It was sudden, unexpected and I still miss her terribly. The missing part is the hardest and the most terrible. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  125. I am reading this with tears running down my face. Words can’t begin to express my sorrow at this horrible experience. Little Matilda Mae will always be the brightest star shining down on you and your family. Lots of love and strength being sent your way x

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  127. Hi jenny,
    It is really difficult to say something that will make you feel better. It is such a tragic loss that can never be replaced.
    I read so many tweets about this and wanted to check what had happpened to Matilda and as soon as I read the first lines of your post i started weeping. My heart goes to you and your husband, it must be the worst feeling that of seeing your baby go. I have a son and since i have become a mother i feel very sad about other mums that go through such difficult experiences. But you are very brave and are expressing your feelings, which i guess will help you overcome the pain. We are all too mortal and can be taken away without choosing. Matilda is a little angel now!
    All the best and lots of love

  128. No parents should have to lose a child, it is cruel beyond words.
    All I can think to say is that Matilda Mae was LOVED and she KNEW
    she was loved. Sadly, so many children live without love, but Matilda Mae
    was one of the lucky ones who was surrounded by love throughout her
    very brief life. Just looking at the photographs, one can see a happy little
    girl full of love and giving love back. Absorb the love she radiated and carry it with you.

  129. I have just read your devastating story. You have made me so much more cautious about leaving my own son in his cot with teddies he already doesn’t use a blanket from a scare I experienced my self where he got the blanket stuck in his mouth & couldn’t breathe luckily he managed to let out a yelp which I ran to him and got it out. I am sat here & can’t stop crying for you, your family & your precious little angel I can only imagine your pain! She is such a beautiful little girl & her star will be shining bright in the night sky just as bright as her gorgeous smile! Sending love to you on this difficult day!

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  139. I read this and cried… im a mother myself and simply can not imagine your pain and sorrow. hope time will heal your wounds…

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  148. OH Jenny, I’m soooo sorry for your loss. My tears are rolling. I feel your hurt. My baby girl Josey looks just like your beautiful little Matilda Mae. Wish I could send you a picture of my baby…

    GOD BLESS. Take Care Jenny your’e in my thoughts and prayers…

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  150. I am praying for you and your family, knowing some of what you have experienced. My baby boy died at 10 days old. You will eventually be able to go on, but there will always be a space in your heart for your baby girl. Losing a child is the most difficult loss of my life, including loss of my only sibling, both of my parents, other family members, and loss through a divorce. But God is faithful and will carry you.

  151. I am so very sorry for your loss. Shedding tears as I type this. Losing your child must be the most heart wrenching thing in the world. No words can describe it. My little girl just turned 1, I too would find her crawling in her cot at 8-9 months old. As I put her down to sleep tonight, I will be even more grateful for having her, and make the most of each moment I have with her. Thank you for reminding me of the precious gift I have. I hope that you in time the pain of losing your precious Matilda becomes more bearable. Sending you lots of hugs!

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  160. Oh Jennie, you will create such a legacy in her name. You have done so much already and I know you won’t stop. I am reading with tears pouring down my face. I think of Tilda every day, even though I never met her. I can’t take away your pain, but believe me if I had one wish I would wish her back for you.

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  167. I am truly sorry for your loss. I had tears pouring down my cheeks by the time I was half-way through your post. I too became a Mum against all the odds and cannot think of life without my little boy. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you would have gone through, are going through. RIP little Matilda Mae. You are with the angels now, little one. xxx

  168. I sobbed with you that evening. I don’t know why I stayed up late but I did. I saw everything you posted on Twitter and tried to be there for you. I still feel helpless. I wish I could do more. I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through, and what you continue to go through. Just know that so many people are thinking of you and your family. x

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  172. I am so sorry for your loss. Your angels story has spread far and wide, and she has touched the hearts of so many. Thinking of you all at this impossible time xXX

  173. I have left it far to long to tell you how sorry I am for you all mother father brother sister it never seemed like the right time I never had words that seemed right. You have been amazing this last year and Matilda Mae will never be forgotten. Everytime I see a pink and purple sky I say a prayer for you all. I wish you strength and hope that you find some comfort in the words of others .

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  177. Dearest Jennie,

    I cried along with you, reading about your darling Matilda Mae.. she is so adorable. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt journey.

    The blame that we go through as mothers when we lose a child is horrendous to say the least, I was beating myself up for the death of my Jonah.

    I wanted to touch base with you and let you know that my little Jonah grew wings on Matilda’s 1 year anniversary xxx

  178. I was just googling my little girls name and your story came up.
    She too is called Mathilda Mae and is very poignantly 9 months old
    today. My heart breaks for your loss. I am sobbing for you. Can I also
    thank you, as I put I comfort pillow in her cot and often find her head up against it
    I will now remove it completely. So thank you for making me realise the danger. Sending all the love in the world to
    you xxxxxx

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  185. I came across the picture of your beautiful Tilda with her tongue stuck out while looking for Matilda costume ideas for my girl for Roald Dahl day. I just had click to see who such sparkling face belonged to. It broke my heart to see the word ‘memorial’ come up next to it. I am so sorry that such a special little person is not here more. That little face has left a mark on me.

    My thoughts are with you and your family,


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