Dear Matilda Mae: Your Beautiful Big Sister is Struggling

My darling baby daughter

I hope you are happy today

I have been collating photos of your cheeky grins and breathtaking smiles

I want to share them as part of the celebration I am planning for you

I have probably spent too much time dwelling on you today

It may have to be less tomorrow

Esther and William are not doing so well

They need my attention too

Esther has refused to go in the bath since Monday

I think it may be because you are not there

She is struggling having lots of people around

Tonight she would not go to bed

I think as she processes all that has happened and all that she hears

She is frightened

They saw you at bed time and in the morning you were gone

It makes me frightened too

We let Esther and William stay up late

Aunty Clare came round to play

Then Esther fell asleep in Daddy’s arms

We put her in her cot where she is sleeping soundly now

William goes to bed just fine but his sleep is very disturbed

They are missing you and mourning you in their own very different ways

William is loving all the people coming to the house

He loves his aunts and uncles and thinks they are there just for him

He is such a funny boy

I hope that you do not mind when we laugh with him

They need our laughter too

William sat with me today and looked at photos of you

He likes to see your pretty face

He saved some cake for you when playing tea parties

He knows that you are in the sky

Way up high in the sky

He asked to see more pictures of Baby Tilda

We looked at so many and you were smiling in every one

Were you so happy all the time because you knew you would not be with us long?

Esther was playing with the baby monitor today

She put it to her ear

I asked her what she could hear

She said she could hear Baby Tilda

These were her exact words

I can hear Baby Tilda?
I can hear Baby Tilda up in the sky.
She’s in the sky.
We loved her.
We lost her.
She died.
She’s in the sky.
There’s an aeroplane up there.

She brought tears to the eyes of everyone in the room

We miss you Matilda Mae

After your funeral my darling

Which I am trying so hard to plan

We are going to have some bubbles

You and the twins love them so

We will all blow bubbles up to the sky for you

Esther and William will have coloured bubbles

You can watch out for them, I’ll tell you when

They will be kisses from your brother and sister

Coloured kisses full of love

We love you so much Matilda Mae

Smile down on us today x

16 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: Your Beautiful Big Sister is Struggling

  1. Every ray of sunshine on your face is her smiling down on you, every breath of wind is her giggling, the raindrops are her splashing you from her bath. She will always be looking down on you and loving you. Laugh with the twins for she lives on though them.

  2. Dearest lovely Jennie
    The mummy we all love so
    Our hearts are breaking for you
    More than you could know

    Your pain is overwhelming
    The grief so hard to bare
    The world should stop its turning
    To show how much we care

    If we could lift your burden
    Somehow lessen the blow
    We would stand beside you
    Holding hands, we love you so

    This time you’re in, this darkness
    This frightening new depth of despair
    We pray you’ll find sweet peace around you
    In time, a way to bare.

    You’re heart is quite remarkable
    Beautiful, sweet and tender
    Inspiration in you, it knows no bounds
    Shown for baby tilda.

    Your blog posts simply stunning
    The words you carefully choose
    Show us your inner beauty
    Unique and precious it’s true

    Your darling sweet Matilda Mae
    Smiling, beaming girl
    She was too precious to stay here long
    Far too angelic for this world

    Her nine months here are treasured
    In oh so many lives
    The mothering you gave to her
    The deepest love, it shines.

    We’ve followed you on twitter
    Checking how you’re doing
    We’re looking at all your pictures
    Emotional and moving

    The mummy world is hurting
    Wish there was something calming to say
    Just know that we all hold you in our thoughts
    Your family and sweet Matilda Mae

  3. This is so hard to read but such a beautiful tribute to your little angel and family. Because of you so many people are thinking of her and she will not be forgotten – even for people like me who didn’t know her, her spirit just seems to shine out of your blog. Sending you and your family much love and comfort x

  4. Keep writing Jennie, you will be so glad of it. One day you will look back and see how far you have come but you will also be glad of this record of your pain. It will allow you to access grief when you need it. Indulge every moment and every thought.

    Your poor twins. They will make it, I promise. You love them so much.

  5. Such beautiful words. I have never met you outside the virtual world but I’ve cried for you every day. My heart is broken for you but at the same time I’m so inspired by how much beauty you make out of your grieving. Amazing lady, I’m learning from you. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Much love, Coco (@classicalbabyco) xxx

  6. I firmly believe that your beautiful baby is somewhere, waiting to be reunited with you all one day, many many years from now, I believe, you will see Matilda Mae again, sometime, somewhere. Love to you and your family xxxx

  7. Oh Jennie, I am so sorry. I have only just seen your heartbreaking posts and I don’t know what to say. Thinking off you and your little family. Big hugs x

  8. Oh I really don’t know what to say and usually I keep quiet for fear of saying the wrong thing but I can’t stop thinking about you all even though I don’t really know you and thinking how unfair everything is. This post really brought a tear to my eye, it must be so hard to live it all let alone write but maybe in some way it will help you.xx

  9. Jennie you are always in my thoughts, your twins will process this in their own time with you right by their side every step of the way. Help them to play it’s how they process this and make sense of it x

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