Matilda Mae has been gone from us for two weeks.
It has been two long weeks since she died.
Long and yet no time at all.
She was inside of me for exactly 9 months, with us for exactly 9 months and it does not feel like it will be long before she will already be 9 months gone.
Two weeks dead.
Two weeks that ours has been a house of sadness.
A family with a broken heart.
But we have to carry on as best we can and make the world a better place for Esther and William.
They desperately need our love, crave our attention and deserve some fun.
Today we took them to see Thomas the Tank Engine at the Kent and East Sussex Railway.
We saw Thomas, met The Fat Controller, rode on a steam train and played with some lovely Thomas toys.
Esther and William had a wonderful time and were really very well behaved.
Even when our 70 minute train ride became over 110 minutes.
What did they do? Play with their imaginary train set of course!!
I was very proud of our little railway children.
Esther and William loved their day out with Thomas and it was wonderful to see their beautiful faces so full of innocent, care free, excitement and happiness.
It healed my heart just a little.
David and I worked hard to be happy for Esther and William today and I thought I had done particularly well but by the time evening began I was spent. I could not focus, I could not bear to be touched, I just needed to hide away and cry.
David’s parents arrived just in time and were able to give Esther and William some tea whilst I sat with David by Matilda’s cot and cried for other train journeys in times gone by.
Love you and miss you every single day
My beautiful darling Matilda Mae
Please please be at peace x
What a wonderful mummy you are to be creating smiles and memories for your children while your heart is breaking.
Once again, Jennie, your post has touched my heart so much. I know that even good times will be bittersweet for a long, long time, but it’s lovely to see Esther and William having a lovely day. You are such good parents to be so strong for them. It must have taken everything out of you, so no wonder you felt like that at the end of the day. I can’t believe she has been gone for two weeks already. 🙁 I know Matilda Mae would want her family to be happy, but I know it’s so hard. Thinking of you all and the darling, Matilda Mae. love Claire xxxxxx
My heart aches for you all, for the look in all your eyes that I recognise from our photos. I remember that look. You are doing so well. You will heal. Not to the same, but you will be okay. A new okay xxx
With all the love that you showed matilda when she was with you, I’m sure she is at peace. It sounds like you had a very bitter sweet day today. You will get through this, somehow.
xxxxx
What amazing parents you are, i can’t imagine i would ever have such strength. You are inspirational, jennie. Thinking of you all today x
jennie once again your post as touched my heart like many others too. it is so nice to see William and Esther having fun, i know that family moments like these will be mixed with lots of sadness. You are a lovely Mummy, i am sure Matilda Mae was with you in spirit and she would want her family to be happy. xxx claire
We lost our grandson at 3 months old, 11 years ago this week. You will never forget them, but it will slowly get better. Your two babies will be strong for you both as you will get to be strong for them. Your posts show you can do this. I speak to my grandson every day and I know he will watch out for Matilda Mae in heaven and help her all that he can. You will see her again, try and remember the happy times. Love for her will help to heal you both. God Bless
Oh they look like they had an absolutely fab time. So glad you were able to create some happpy moments xx
Jennie i dont know how you get through each day. it is probably a good thing really that you have your E and W to focus on and make you get up each day. i dont know how you hide your pain from them but you and your hubby are just amazing people and parents. thinking of you all the time. we blew bubbles today in our garden and i thought of you all at the time x x x
Sending you strength, as always xx
you did so well, they look like they had a great day. You are brilliant for knowing what they need you when you are grieving so much. Well done you. xxx
Can only echo what has been said here: you & David are such wonderful parents, making sure Esther & William have a happy & fun day out x
Wow, you are incredible parents. Amazing that you were able to find some energy to provide Esther and William with fun times, I am in awe. Some beautiful photos and the last one just beats them all…..you will always have those wonderful memories x
Oh Jennie, you need to be wrapped in a giant cuddle. I think of you all so often. You’re a wonderful Mummy. Xx
Karin
Sending big hugs to you right now Jennie, Ester and Williams smiles in them photos are priceless they will help you as you help them you are such a strong family team BabyTilda will be smiling down tonight xxxx
You are so amazing and strong. It’s so sad to see the sadness in both of your eyes. Esther and William are lucky to have such wonderful parents. I hope the lady in a comment above is right and that your grief eases with time x x
You are being so incredibly strong and brave, you are allowed to feel broken sometimes and just sit and cry. The way you are so focused on making life amazing for Esther and William is a real tribute to your Baby Tilda. X
It must’ve been so hard trying to have a ‘normal’ day out – what brave and wonderful parents you are. It looks like the little ones has a great day.
Thinking of you all x
You are so so strong but don’t forget it is still ok to cry x
@Edspire Dear Jennie, I’ve been reading your blogs and following your heartache… Life is so so cruel and so so unfair sometimes. As a mum of four precious children, my heart is breaking for your family. Matilda Mae looked like the most beautiful baby girl- and from the pictures she must have known she was truly loved- always smiling! There are no words, what could I possibly say that will make your pain any less? You are being amazingly strong and Matilda will always, ALWAYS be there firmly in your heart and watching over you all with pride.
Amy, another Mummy from Kent xxxxxx
So sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to carry on as normal for the children. My heart breaks for you all. You are your Hubby are showing amazing courage to Esther and William, and seeing their gorgeous smiles must ease a little pain for you x
What incredible parents you are, I’m just blown away by how you’re so focused on staying strong for E & W are trying to keep some semblance of normality for them when your hearts are shattered into a million pieces. The photo if you with Matilda Mae is heartbreakingly beautiful, what an incredible smiley and gorgeous girl she was and I pray she is at peace xxx
You are doing such an amazing job of continuing to care for and entertain the twins, I’m overwhelmed with your determination.