Yesterday I took Esther and William to Jumping Beans, one of their two favourite preschool classes.
They were amazingly well behaved and really got into the drama and imaginary play.
I realised that they are starting to behave like they are nearly three.
They are nearly three.
While I was unashamedly proud of our twins journey and having fun with them.
My husband was with our other child.
Matilda Mae.
By himself he drove what must have been a long long road
To the funeral home.
There he collected the remains of our daughter.
The ashes of our 9 month old Matilda Mae.
And the one lock of beautiful hair that we cannot bear to be without.
A little girl with a little curl
He collected our daughter and he brought her home.
My friend Lucy said, so rightly, she must have felt just as heavy to him then
As she did as he carried her casket into her funeral.
But this time there was no soft woolen casket.
She was in a paper bag, inside a cardboard box, inside a gift bag.
David came into the house carrying our daughter
And I felt so sad and so angry.
I wanted to get her out of the paper bag
But to do what?
I am so scared of hurting or losing what is left of our daughter.
I stroked the hair and then I put everything back in the bag
And I did the only thing I could
I cradled her in my arms
Carried her up the stairs.
Lay her down in her cot.
And I cried.
So much beauty
So much life
So much potential
So much love
Upstairs in a paper bag.
And I don’t know what to do about it.
Do you?
We know what we want to do with Matilda’s ashes
We have had lots of ideas
But our current plan is to send her out to sea
We had planned an elaborate ceremony with family
But actually we shared her funeral and her cremation
And we feel that this is something we might have just for us
And Esther and William
David is going to make a little boat out of Balsa wood
We are going to set light to it
And send it out to sea
Our beautiful star
Will shine bright
In the sea and in the sky
We will be able to be with her wherever we are
Wherever we go she will be there
Our plan is to say goodbye and set her free
On her birthday
As we said goodbye at the crematorium the music from In The Night Garden played
So it seems fitting that she sails off to her own garden in the night
In her very own Iggle Piggle’s boat
It is all imagery that Esther and William can relate to and understand
It is something we can share together
And remember our Baby Tilda Mae
Our Baby Tiger
It is a way for us all to be together
One last time
We have planned everything
From the moment she died
We have made everything in her honour the best it could possibly be
Which is why I am so sad and so angry
That it is okay to return the remains of a baby
To the arms of her father
To the heart of her family
In a paper bag
Huge hugs Hun x
What a very difficult day for you. But what a beautiful idea the boat is. xxxx
The boat idea is lovely isn’t and has meaning for us on lots of different levels x Thank you x
I love the boat idea, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must all be feeling. How awful that they thought that a paper bag could on ANY level be acceptable. Even my beloved cats came home in beautiful wooden boxes. Sending hugs x
So incredibly hard for you all. Think of you every day.
I still have my daughter’s ashes in a box, inside a red velvet bag in my lounge. She was stillborn after her twin sister was born, over 7 years ago. Every now and again, I hold the box. And I read the words on the box. One day – perhaps with my surviving children – we will scatter the ashes. But I feel no rush to decide. Perhaps she’ll always stay in the house in this way.
Your idea of a boat is beautiful and so very touching. Whatever you decide will magical and oh so painful. Wishing you strength and healing tears. Sending LOVE. Vicky xx
As I sit here reading this with a massive lump in throat I can’t even begin to imagine how hard yesterday was for you both. Letting Matilda sail away is simply beautiful. Lots of love xxx
I don’t know what the etiquette is. I have a feeling no mother ever should. But I agree that the paper bag seems so wrong. The whole thing is wrong. I love the idea of the boat- setting your beautiful baby free to sail the seas. I have been thinking of you and David so much since I heard you brought the ashes home.
xxxxx
Oh Jennie.
A little boat to sail to sea. How very beautiful. And please do not think of her as ashes. For white and grey do not suit her at all. But fushia and crimson and plum… these are her colours. Not ashes – but stardust.
Love to you as always xxx
Jennie your plans are simply beautiful…. when I used to watch in the night garden with my older 2 I would often think how that little world of iggle piggle & upsey daisy must be how heaven is….. I believe that…… by letting you little star Tilda sail out to sea will be a wonderfully positive & beautiful lasting image & memory for you all have……Bless you as always….
The night is black
And the stars are bright
And the sea is dark and deep,
But someone I know is safe and snug
And they’re drifting off to sleep.
Round and round,
A little boat
No bigger than your hand,
Out on the ocean,
Far away from land.
Take the little sail down,
Light the little light.
This is the way to the garden in the night.
God bless you Matilda Mae x
Oh Jennie this is absolutely heartbreaking. I read your tweet yesterday about her ashes being in the paper bag, and I just had no words, I was shocked they weren’t put into something more permanent.
The idea of the boat and the in the night garden is very fitting, and I think you are right to keep it as just your 4 for her goodbye, and like you have said it’s a way that Esther and William can understand too.
Sending you love and strength xx
Jennie, this is not proper ashes etiquette at all so you have every right to be angry! I’m angry for you. Our beloved dog passed away just over 18 months ago and the vets cremated her for us – she was returned in a wooden ashes casket which was inside a printed cardboard box with her name and date of death on it. How can that happen? I’m so sorry that this happened and again I send you love and strength, yesterday must have been so terrible for you.
The idea of the boat is so beautiful and, as always, your plans are just so beautiful and so respectful. Just what your beautiful baby girl deserves.
Much love xx
also………I am so cross about the paper bag for you too…. this isn’t something you should have to have dealt with on top of everything else you are facing. This is so wrong. Oh Jennie ((((((((((((the biggest hugs in the whole world for you all))))))))))) x x x x
So sad, I am crying for you. It must have felt so wrong to hold her like that. The plans for her final send off sound as perfect as they could be, and will be perfect for Esther and William too. Sending you a big hug and prayers. Hoping you all have a wonderful positive day on May 11th. I had hoped to be there but my son has a party, his first of the whole school year, and I feel I should take him. I am so sad not to be coming with you. Hope the sun shines on you all and the bubbles float high. Lots of love xx
Oh I feel so bad I didnt warn you – that is how our little girl came back too. Not even the nice wooden box like our dog came back in as one comment also said. She is still in it too in my wardrobe and every now and then I take her out to talk to – it gives me such comfort. Oneday she will be buried with me. We used a crematorium in Edinburgh and I am so grateful to have her now as the other crematorium we could have used was the one at the heart of the current scandel about baby ashes. Your little girl was carried all her life by you and she is going to have the best little boat in the world made by her daddy – she couldnt have a more loving way to travel on her final journey – try not to dwell on the bag, it isnt right or appropriate but even in that she was still carried in Davids arms. Hug xxx
Such a sad post. She was carried by her loving daddy – so hard for him to do. Such a beautiful idea about the boat and the symbolism with the Night Garden. You have thought everything so well through and included your twins so importantly. You are an amazing mummy. Matilda Mae will live in your heart and you memories forever and that is the permanent place not the paper bag.
Amazing strength from David, and such a terrible disservice from the funeral home to send such precious cargo away in a paper bag. I am so so sorry for this, and for you all. I think the boat idea is beautiful and will be something the twins will never forget x
I read your post and the lovely comments in support of you and your family and I can’t thnk what to say. I almost didn’t leave a comment because sometimes words just don’t seem to be enough. No one should have to experience this pain. All I can say is that I think the little boat sounds beautiful for a beautiful little girl. Best wishes.
So sad and so insensitive that they felt it appropriate to present the ashes to you in this way. I’m shocked!! The boat made by daddy is a really beautiful idea! In the past my children and I have decorated star and heart shaped boxes for precious belongings, perhaps the twins might like to decorate a little star box for Baby Tilda until her boat is ready, then maybe the box would provide a safe place for Tilda’s lock of hair, just a thought. Thinking of you x
Jennie… I don’t know you at all, but know your story from my niece, whose husband was at uni with yours.
I wonder if you know the book The Next Place, by Warren Hanson? it is a beautiful book full of light and stars, colours and rainbows, with a simple rhyming text that is immensely comforting, and would be suitable to share with your twins. I have just read it again and though it made me cry, it just seemed so right for beautiful Matilda Mae.
I hope you don’t mind me contacting you. God bless you all. Chris.
Oh Jennie, I am so cross about the paper bag. I am so sorry that this has added to your pain. I think the idea of the boat is perfect, and I’m sure it will be beautiful, but I wish you and David weren’t having to think about these things. I wish it could be different, and David could be making a toy for her to play with instead. You have both been so brave. It must have been a hard journey for David to make yesterday. Wishing you both strength to get you through, especially for these next two weeks. Sending you so much love xxxx
David seems so talented and brave, making all these beautiful things to help Matilda on her journey. Thinking of you as always xx
ps. My son is the exact same age as the twins – I too feel like he has turned a corner to becoming a little boy xx
Sending you massive hugs right now. No Parent should ever have to go what you have been through. The boat idea is such a lovely idea hun.
Love Laura
x x x
I think the boat is a beautiful idea xxx
She is home now thats what matters. You have every right to be upset about Tildas ashes. My nephew was born sleeping at 23wks..he went home in a lovely box and a beautiful velvet bag..they did not charge for some of the funeral costs and the ladies washed and dressed him with all the care they would for all their families. Your send off sounds beautiful and fitting. She is with you always. X
I am so angry for you both and Tilda. A paper bag is no way to show respect. Its disgusting!! The plans you have for her are beautiful and exactly what such a beautiful angel deserves. How lucky was she and the twins to get a mummy and daddy like you two? x
Just sending you big hugs Jennie I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. Xxxx
I am angry for you at how they returned Tilda’s ashes. I am sorry. I am sorry they were so insensitive. i am sorry you are having to deal with this at all! The boat is such a lovely idea and your husband is one talented man. It just astounds me how you plan every detail with such care and thought. You are such a wonderful, caring, dedicated mother. Much love being sent your way. Xxx
oh jennie my heart breaks for you.i am so sad that they returned your beautiful daughter in a paper bag to you its so sad and wrong. the little boat is a beautiful idea you are really doing baby Tilda proud xxxx
The little boat is a beautiful idea. I don’t know whether you will see this or not. I chose to have Finley buried. I wish I hadn’t. I wish had his ashes to hang on to, but I made the best decision at the time for me. I think if I was choosing what to do with his ashes, I would keep a small part of them to put into the little glass beads, one for each of the children and one each for us.