I wanted to call this post What Price?
What price a baby’s life?
How much do I have to raise to bring her back?
To guarantee that if I have another baby they will be healthy and live
To guarantee that should I fall pregnant I would carry a healthy baby to term
What price to stop the nightmares?
The panic attacks
The fear of being alone
What price to mend my broken heart
And fix my shattered soul
What price for a glimpse of heaven
To know my baby is there
To know that there was something more for her
Than 9 measly months on earth.
What price some peace?
Some understanding?
Some answers?
There is no price
And so I will carry on
We will carry on
Just about making it through each day
Trying to find a way of living
Without our baby girl.
£8000 and 100 days.
I have a heart full of hatred tonight
A face streaked with tears
Arms that are aching and empty
Because I have to face the stark reality
That there is nothing at all I can do
To get my daughter back
Or guarantee that something terrible will not happen to my family again
And there is no price I would not pay for that.
No price at all.
My heart aches for you all. It really does. I think it is amazing what you are doing to raise money for such a worthy charity. I don’t think I’d even have the strength to leave my house if I was in your position. You are an incredible woman Jennie.
Oh Jennie, the look in yours there breaks my heart.
Oh Jennie. We all wish so much we could take away even an ounce of your pain. No mother – no person – should go through what you are going through. I don’t really know what words could possibly offer you comfort, but please be proud of those £8,000. Be proud of Matilda for having such an amazing mum who is honouring her in such an amazing way. Be proud of Esther and William, for still managing to see the joy in life. For being strong and healthy and beautiful.Be proud of David, for his strength and love.
Matilda will never, ever be forgotten. Her time here was cruelly cut short, but she will live on in your memories and in ours. My heart aches for you, and I hope having people caring, even people you’ve never met, helps in some tiny way. All my love, Amy xx
Sending much love I wish I had answers xx
Jennie, I really wish I could make things better for you, sending all my love x
Its written all over your face in that photo. I know that no amount of money raised is ever going to be enough. I know that and it breaks my heart too.
xxx
…..with you every step of the way…… Hugs xxx
I think all us mummies who still have our babies truly wish we could take away some of your pain. You have been so amazing and a real inspiration. Life is so cruel some times. Pleas, take time to heal and don’t rush in to anything. Xx
Sending you love xxxxx
What you’ve achieved in your darkest saddest days is truly amazing, Jennie! When you want to cry and curl into a ball, you get up and face the world, and you do this! Absolutely amazing! I wish there was a price to mend your broken heart and bring you peace again. Hopefully your wonderful work will stop so many other families going through this unimaginable loss. They say that grief is a lot like fear – fear about the future, about the remaining family members, fear about something awful happening again. I pray that your wonderful family is showered with blessings, true miracles and new baby joy. I pray that you find happiness and peace again. Matilda will always stay alive in your heart and memories, in our hearts and memories. In every bubble, in every bluebell, in every drop of rain – she is there and always will be…
Oh Jennie, I wish I knew what to say to make things easier or better for you. Thinking of you x
Jennie, your face….that look. You don’t need to write. Your face says it all. I’m sorry. I have no words but I can’t just read and run. With love xx
Like the photo of you with Esther, this one has moved me to tears, but for totally different reasons. There is so much grief and pain writ their. I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. I’m so sorry that no amount of love and support can bring her back. I’m so sorry you have to be told how brave and inspirational you are, rather than just bring able to cuddle your baby girl.
You have don’t amazing things in her name. I wish you could do amazing things with her by your side xx
Jennie, have you noticed the little orb of light in this photo over your shoulder? X
so observant! Tilda is there! xx
Im so sorry jennie that there is nothing that can help you bring her back or to make sense of loosing her. This is a poem that was just posted on a group I belong to for women who have lost babies through incompetant cervix and I know it brings many on there comfort in remembering the babies they have lost. I dont know if will help you at all but I hope it does xxxx
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to filll the womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth and learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I’m here.”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are OK
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with me
Until your lesson is through
And on the day that you come home
They’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start!!!
Oh Jennie that photo says it all and more. There are probably no words I can say to comfort, but be proud, you’ve raised so much money already, I know it doesn’t bring her back but her legacy lives on. We would all wish for you to get your little girl back with you all if we could xx
Oh Jennie reading this makes me so sad, and seeing this photo of you the only way I can describe it is as ‘hollow’. Because a large part of you is missing. A few times I caught you looking so sad on Saturday and other times smiling. A real mixture of emotions, I can completely understand why you have posted this. Sending so much love to such a wonderful lady xxxx
So sorry Jennie. No words can really help either. Love to you xx
We have never met, and some times when I comment on your beautiful posts I feel like an imposter, I am not a friend of yours and if I saw you at Britmums, I think I would remain silent – I am shy, I assume you wouldn’t want me coming up to you telling you what an amazing woman and mother you are, so I prefer to tell you this in the comments, that I am astounded by your strength and what you have done, continue to do for your children, family and Matilda Mae. I have cried tears for you, for Matilda Mae, many tears, and I am so sorry this happened to you. Be angry…. shout…. scream…. hate the world if you need to. Be every thing you need to be right now…. let your emotions bleed. It’s a f**king sh*tty world sometimes – so random, so bl**dy unfair……..
Exactly what she said xx
Indeed. I just hope that even strangers can help a little at this time. X
Ditto xx
No, the money raised in Baby Tilda’s name will sadly not bring her back, as much as we all wish it could be so, Of course you rage and cry and wail and question – what mother wouldn’t? And I know you probably don’t feel brave and amazing and all the things people are telling that you are ( which are true). You feel lost, and empty, and angry and afraid and so, so many emotions. But what is amazing is that , despite all that, you are being an incredible mother to all three of your children. To Esther and William: by helping them to grieve, to remember Baby Tilda at every opportunity by making her part of everything you do, by making the huge effort involved in creating wonderful play times for them – messy or otherwise, by so creatively making sure they still have their connection to their sister, through bubbles, and stars and play and memories. And to Tilda: by ensuring her legacy, by raising money in her name for such important causes, by holding her so close in your heart and also sharing her precious life and beauty with the world. Every time I see a picture of her I just find it unimaginable that she is no longer with you ( in body) so how on earth can you grasp that? Sending you hugs hun – I haven’t met you either but I follow your blog and have so much admiration for you xxx
Sending love xxx
your face says it all….sadly there is no price for anything you have written down,otherwise we would all do our best to raise enough to do all of those. But you can carry on with the amazing work you have done so it might help someone not to think about the price of life… I know it wont bring back Your baby, and it is heartbreaking for you, but you are doing something that makes sense for loads, because something happened that just doesnt make sense at all. x