Last night for no known reason I felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious.
I was sat alone and crying and I could not control my breathing.
Grief manifests itself in many different ways.
Last night mine got the better of me.
Often when I have had a bad night I wake up and it is a new day.
New energy helps me to feel more positive and to at least make a good start to the day.
Today was not one of those days.
SIDS has been all over the news.
Messages about safe sleep.
For anyone who has not read this blog before, my daughter Matilda Mae, died almost four months ago.
Confirmed cause of death.
Sudden Infant Death.
She did not suffocate or overheat.
For some unknown reason her body just stopped working.
She was in her cot.
But Sudden Infant Death though relatively rare can strike anywhere.
Cot, crib, moses basket.
Car seat, buggy, pram or swing.
And yes, in parents’ bed.
I have not watched the news today.
I have not yet read the reports or research in full.
When I have and when I do I will come back and blog with my head.
Today I am blogging with my heart.
Matilda Mae shared my bed.
She slept safely beside me.
She was in a gro bag beside me on the bed.
Her cot was next to our bed with the side down but that was mainly to stop her from falling out of the bed.
We changed this arrangement not long before she died.
We moved the cot away from our bed and put the sides up.
She was 9 months.
She could have been in a room of her own.
But she was not.
I planned to keep her with us for the first year just as we did with Esther and William.
Tilda was happiest when she slept with me.
She slept on her back beside and turned to feed whenever she wanted.
We slept together and when she was really unsettled she slept on me.
I think hearing and feeling my heartbeat helped to soother her and settle her to sleep.
I wish I had been with Tilda when she died.
I wish she were still alive.
Perhaps she would be if she had only ever slept on and with me.
I am a grieving mother.
I lost my baby to SIDS.
But she did not die in my bed and every day I will wonder, had she been there that night
And not alone in her cot
Would she be alive today?
And if I am ever lucky enough to have another baby
Unless it is proven to be dangerous
To ‘safely’ co-sleep
Then that new baby will be sleeping with me
Just as Tilda did for most nights of her life
But not that night.
Not that night.
This post is written by a sad and grieving mother on a whim, it is not based on any research, it is an explosion from my heart.