A Mummy After Matilda Mae

I have still not quite got my head around the fact that my daughter is dead.

I am not sure when that will happen.

When I will just know she is dead and never coming back?

I must know on some level

Because of all I am doing to keep her memory alive

To make her little life matter.

I know she had a little life

Surely this means I know deep inside

That life is over.

The key to surviving I find is being busy.

When I am not busy I panic

Or break down.

I have lost all confidence in myself as a person

And as a mummy.

I hate being alone with Esther and William.

I am terrified that I cannot cope.

Which is of course ridiculous

I know

But grief is a funny thing

It makes you irritable and anxious, irrational and scared.

And so I am keeping busy.

The funeral planned with precision and care.

From music to readings to memories shared

The cremation

The wake

The trending on Twitter

The telling the truth of the pain on this blog.

The making sure Esther and William

Have happy places and times.

The walk in her honour

A mile in her memory.

The auction (thank you Susanne and all the Tots Team)

The Tuff Spot tales

The messy play.

The family holiday

The scattering of ashes

Sending our baby to sea.

Every thing I do is done for Matilda

Every choice I make has Baby Tilda in mind.

She never for a second leaves my memory

Never for a second is gone from my heart.

I miss my baby with every breath I take.

I feel so proud of myself

For making it through the last 110 days.

Every day has been a struggle

The almost good days are laden with guilt.

I will never forget my baby

My beautiful beaming angel baby

She will always be my third child

My second daughter

I will miss her entirely til the day I die.

And until then I will live my life to make her proud

I will take the best care I can of Esther and William

Who I love with all my heart

I will raise awareness of the cruel fate that is Sudden Infant Death

I will raise money to help fund much needed research

I will help other mothers who walk in these shoes

These horrible ugly painful shoes

And I will help young siblings who are as hurt and confused

As my wonderful twins must be.

I will continue to tell our tales on this blog.


Education and Inspiration

Perhaps now this blog can live up to its name

It has started to already


I have been chosen as a finalist in the Brilliance in Blogging Awards

For the stories I have shared since the night I found her sleeping

My beautiful beautiful Matilda Mae

I hope you can see what is happening down here

Little Angel Blog Baby

Just look what love has done.

Thank you so much to everyone who voted for me in the BIBs. It honestly means the world to me and I hope that being a finalist will raise awareness of the fact that SIDS can happen to older babies and also raise the profile of The Lullaby Trust and the fabulous work that they do. Thank you x

21 thoughts on “A Mummy After Matilda Mae

  1. Huge Well Done for the #BIBS nomination

    You opened your heart and bared your soul for the world to see how devastating SIDS is not just to a mother but a whole family.
    Your strength and determination to carry on is admirable and your doubts, insecurities and crushing heartache will help others to know they are not alone in this dark despair. The club that no one wants to belong too but that too many do.
    I hope with all my heart that you win this well deserved award for you and Baby Tilda for sharing and raising awareness of SIDS and The Lullaby Trust.
    I’m astounded at the support from all the Mummy Bloggers out there what a fabulous group of people they all are and that includes you.
    Congratulations and Good Luck

  2. Jennie this is a stunning post. I am so proud of you too. This blog had always lived up to its name in my opinion but now more than ever it means so much. Sweet dreams to your precious blog baby xxxxxxxxxxx

  3. Dear Jennie, your blogs are so heartfelt and mean so much to all mother’s. congratulations on the nomination and on your strength. Those of us who never blog, or read any others also gain so much from your words. Matilda Mae would be so proud of you, just as I am even though, we’ve never met properly. Keeping you in my thoughts, Tania

  4. Well done Jennie. You are a survivor and although it was never your choice, you have inspired us all. You have done yourself and your family proud. Baby Tilda is a true star in every sense of the word xxx

  5. This had me in tears, you are doing so well at keeping going, I can’t imagine how hard getting up each day must be. Congratulations on getting through to be a finalist, I always look forward to reading your posts, you have a wonderful way you writing and putting down your emotions in words, I only wish for you that you didn’t have to write about SIDs. This will give you such a great platform to raise awareness, as you already have done so much already. x

  6. I am so so pleased you are a finalist. I can seriously say I love to read your words – because you are a brilliant writer on many levels. There aren’t many days that I don’t think about Matilda which shows what an impact you and she has made. I wish all this hadn’t happened to you. But I am glad you are recognised for being wonderful. X

  7. Dear Jennie,
    Please carry on doing what you are doing. There is so much love and beauty shining through your words. You are doing so much more than raising awareness for SIDS or offering comfort for those who share your horrible fate. You are truly and very truly inspiring – as your finalist position in the BiBs proves!
    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as always,

  8. beautiful post, i never tire of seeing that gorgeous cheeky picture of your girl sticking her tongue out. It makes me smile every time.
    congratulations on the bibs x

  9. 4 and 1/2 years on I still find myself looking for Hattie when we are on a trip to the park with my other children or in the busy school playground. Its true part of you excepts what has happened but part of you cant process it. It almost feels like you become two people, a rational one who knows you must do certain things for your other children and follow the procedures following child death, and one that is waiting for the whole thing to be over and for life to be back to how it was before. So many times I thought ‘ok I have had enough of this now, this horrific game someone is playing with me needs to stop’

  10. Congratulations Jennie! You are very worthy of being a BiBs finalist.
    Your love for your children and dedication to filling their days with fun, educational activities is truly inspiring. Matilda Mae’s spirit will forever be woven through everything you do, write and inspire in others. Remember what we said about those ripples reaching far? Well they’ve just really begun; how far they go we probably can’t even imagine.
    Take care of yourself please so you can remain the wonderful you that you are. In time, hopefully, you will also be able to look in the mirror and see what a very capable mother, and a strong, beautiful and inspiring person we see in you. Till that time, don’t walk this path alone. Let others, who have learnt to walk in those ugly shoes, guide you. They will not have answers necessarily, but will have their own learnings to share.
    Love and hugs

  11. You are a true inspiration and you deserve to be a finalist so much. I hope my vote helped to get you there as I think of you daily as I put my son to sleep in his cot for his nap and put my 2 kids to sleep at night. I hope all your blogging friends carry you through this horrible time without your Matilda Mae so your heavy, ugly shoes do not hurt so much. Thinking of you always x

  12. I read so many of your posts and feel so moved by them that I am lost for words, or the words that come into my head seem pointless compared to the words that you are writing. So happy to see your blog in the BiB finals, what you are doing in the wake of losing Matilda, to help raise awareness of SIDS and The Lullaby Trust is remarkable.

  13. Darling Jennie. I can’t tell you how much your being a finalist has made me happy. Your blog has always lived up to it’s name though, even before this tragedy you inspired. Your writing is beautiful – just like Baby Tilda. Love to you, always xx

  14. You are so very strong, my heart breaks for you all. Matilda Mae’s short life has touched so many people, she is a very special little Girl. Much love x

  15. Congratulations on being a finalist. What you are doing to raise the awareness of SIDS is incredible. Matilda will be looking down on you and feeling so proud. You inspire me to be a better mummy and a better person. X

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