Toddler Grief: Baby Tilda’s Heaven

I talk to Esther and William about Baby Tilda in the sky all the time.

We talk about what it might be like for her up there.

I do it as much if not more for me than for them

But it seems to help us all.

To play

To Talk

To imagine

To hope

That somewhere, somehow, our Baby Tilda is having a wonderful time

Until we can all be together again.

Someone once told me that in heaven there is no time.

That when my time comes to leave this Earth

And join my daughter in heaven

Though I will have been waiting a life time

Matilda will have been waiting for no time at all.

I have to believe this is true

How can a 9 month old baby survive any time without their Mummy?

I am all she ever knew.

My heart is breaking over and over every day

I cannot bear to think of her alone

Lost and confused and wondering why I did not save her.

I cannot allow myself to think

That I will not have my time with her

That we will never again be together

Because our time was too short

And there is so much I have to do and say

I am her mummy.

I am all she knew.

I have to believe that she is happy now

That somehow she is surviving somewhere without her mummmy

And I hope that the time will be no time at all for her

Before she is back in my arms again

But hours and days, weeks and months go by for us down here on earth

And Esther and William need a picture, an imagining of where their sister might be

And it has to be a happy place

A playing place

Because play is what my beautiful almost three year olds know and love.

It has to be a place without anger or hurt or sadness

It has to be somewhere colourful and fun.

We talk about Baby Tilda’s heaven, her fairy kingdom

Her pink and purple fairy world

And together we imagine her there.

Baby Tilda’s Heaven is a pink and purple fairy town

The roads and railways sparkle with gold dust and glitter.

The sound of laughter fills the air.

Giggles and chatter can be heard everywhere.

All the children have beautiful wings.

They wear hats and have beautiful hair.

The girls are all pretty

There are handsome boys

The babies are all gorgeous and squishy.

Everyone smiles and is polite and kind.

All the children play there together.

Everything sparkles and glimmers with sunlight

Silver sparkles make the rain the prettiest weather.

There are swings and slides and roundabouts.

People live in toadstools and trees.

The flowers dance and sing in the wind.

The trees guard the children who live there.

The animals are all brightly coloured

They can talk to the children

As can the cars and the trains

The trains, the trains

The glorious pink and purple trains

With their purple star arches

Pretty pink bridges

And wonderful wonderful Tilda track!

There are penguins to befriend

And snails to ride

Pink tractors, purple trailers

And magical carriages.

There are rainbows to slide on

Trampoline clouds

Beautiful bubbles fill the air.

Every drink is a sweet purple juice

Ice cream comes in the crunchiest of cones

There is cake every day for tea!

There is only memory of the happiest times

And time itself is stood still

No baby waits too long for their mummy

And they are happy and carefree until.

They ride the railway

They paint and play

They catch bubble kisses

And balloon release wishes

In Baby Tilda’s fairy town heaven

She is happy and smiley, carefree

She has everything she could possibly need

To keep her safe until she is back in my arms

Back in the midst of her family.

Inside her fairy tree house

She sleeps, eats and plays with all her friends

She watches over us here on Earth

She guides our lives without her.

Surrounded by beauty

And colour and light

Baby Tilda lives on in Heaven

We hold her with love in our hearts

And we imagine what it might be like

When we all play in heaven together.

Twinkle twinkle Matilda Mae
Did you have fun in heaven today?
Crawling all over the cotton wool clouds,
laughing and cooing baby babbling sounds.
Your sweet laughter fills the heavy air
and answers every human prayer.

Twinkle twinkle Matilda Mae
Did you have fun in heaven today?
Did you show the angels your magic smile,
clapping excitedly all the while.
Flapping your own beautiful wings,
knowing there’s wonder in all of Gods things.

Twinkle twinkle Matilda Mae
Did you have fun in heaven today?
We must trust you are at peace now,
but never forgetting us, no way no how.
Tell us about your happy times, whilst we sleep,
and in our dreams, your memories we’ll keep.

Thank you to @crazywithtwins for the beautiful poem.

Thank you to Bigjigs Toys for the amazing Fairy Town Train Set.

Thank you to Early Learning Centre for the Happy Land Fairy Tree House.

16 thoughts on “Toddler Grief: Baby Tilda’s Heaven

  1. That is such a wonderful picture to have and to play out with Esther and William!

    No one really knows what heaven is like, but one thing I am sure of is that Tilda is not alone, not frightened! She may miss her mummy, daddy and her adoring brother and sister, but she’s also in God’s arms. He is holding her tight till you meet again.
    She will have no questions of why you didn’t save her, for it was not your place to save her, however much you feel it must’ve been. We have to trust that it was her time to go, to fulfil a higher purpose; cruel and gruelling as that is to all those close to her and now suffering the loss and the huge hole Tilda has left behind.

  2. I love that description of heaven- that time stands still. She will not even know she has been away from you. I love how you make sure Tilda is always at the centre of the twins’ play. I hope younare able to find peace xxxxx

  3. I believe that too Jennie, a lifetime to you will be a moment to her, as if you left the room for a minute, and came back in before she really knew you were gone xxxx

  4. Totally agree, there has to be a heaven I was told that there is no time in heaven as well. For months I consoled myself that Rhianna Lily was with her great grandparents and even got told that they wanted their own child up there by our parents. Seven months after she died Mr L’s best friend died and he was supposed to be Rhianna’s god father. I know the only way Mr L has coped with that is the fact that he truly believes his best friend is doing what he always wanted and is with Rhianna so she isn’t on her own.
    Baba believes it too and paints some beautiful descriptions of what they are up to in heaven, painting and drawing pictures and all sorts. And it is beautiful, magical and sometimes it is the only thing that gets us through the day.
    We are all doubly hurting but Mr L is really hurting and I know listening to Baba telling him how much fun Uncle Dave and Rhianna are having in heaven is literally the only thing that has kept him going at times.
    I am so pleased that Matilda lovely brother and sister believe it too, and that you find it as comforting as us xxxxx

  5. What a wonderful post! What a wonderful picture of heaven. No words can possibly console you but always remember that you have your own very special angel in heaven. I look forward to meeting you soon at BritMums Live. Hugs

  6. Just beautiful Jennie. What wonderful memories and imaginations you are nurturing in Esther and William – you and Tilda are creating a real legacy for them that is so rich and infused with love. What fun too! Your courage and ability to put your children first in such incredibly incredibly sad circumstances is awe-inspiring. I only wish I had half of your love, resourcefulness and sheer determination. What a mummy! xxx

  7. What a wonderful way to remember and help talk about your beautiful baby girl. Magical! If that is heaven I hope I am lucky enough to meet my loved ones there. You are doing such an amazing job of this xx

  8. Why would there be a notion of time in Heaven ? There’s only a beginning of being in Heaven not an end and it’s place of love and peace where you get reunited. Thinking of you x

  9. I remember hearing a description once of heaven being like a tapestry. So from Tilda’s side she can see the bigger picture, it’s all clear. She isn’t confused or scared or worried but from your side it’s a total mess of threads etc. Everything is confusing, messy and horrible. So it will make sense when you get there.
    To me, there is just no way that Tilda is in any kind of pain, worry, fear or loneliness. You are the one who is carrying that load. Not Tilda. She is free from any of those feelings. You will see her again. You’ll have your baby in heaven but you are paying the most painful price now. I really believe that love doesn’t just go away. I bet you loved your children before they were even conceived and to me, Tilda is back there with the same love. This is turning into a bit of a ramble, but talking to my 3 yr old she always wants to know where is heaven. I tell her it’s where you were before you were born and where we all go back to. That makes sense to her and to me. Sorry for the ramble- I always read your posts and think of you so often x

  10. Best post ever!
    It’s true about time. Time is a gift that God gives us with the universe that keeps everything from happening at once, so that we can grow in understanding and ultimately, perfect love. It is so much a part of our lives that it’s hard to not think of time as something that it’s impossible to be without. Time is a dimension that has been discussed by physicists, scholars, philosophers and religious forever and a true explanation or definition has consistently eluded scholars of all types. Einstein proved that time is relative and not absolute, and when his lifelong friend, Besso died, he wrote a letter to Besso’s family saying that although Besso had preceded him in death it was of no consequence, “…for us physicists believe the separation between past, present, and future is only an illusion, although a convincing one.”
    Pretty deep, but it all makes sense how time doesn’t exist in heaven when you read up on what time is. When you have the brain-space for it, look up “what is time?” on the net. I have heard Heaven described as an ‘eternal now’. I think you get to experience things in Heaven how ever you like…all at once or in some sort of order of your choosing. I think we get to understand everything at once, but we get to hug, hold and play as we choose and that every event is pure goodness, love, joy, play, happiness and as you say, ” without anger or hurt or sadness”.

  11. You have created such a wonderful picture of heaven it’s beautiful and I love the idea that time stands still there – I’m sure it does. You will be all together again in time and until then Tilda will keep watch over all of you from her cloud xx

  12. Pingback: The #MMskydive cocktail party | Ghostwritermummy

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