The Day I Realised I’d Lost My Voice

Today we spent four hours in the car and we listened to a variety of music.

Whilst listening to some ‘Dada Music’; anything that is not Justin or Peggy; one of my favourite songs came on

Sit Down by James

And I tried to sing along

But I couldn’t

No sound would come out

It seems that outside of the world of toddler music

I have lost my voice

It is the lyrics you see

They all seem to mean something different now

Now that Matilda is gone.

At the end of this month

We have two weddings to attend

And I had thought I would go along and have a sing and a dance

But today horror struck me

I don’t think I can sing without crying

And I am not sure that dancing is going to feel right

Not now Matilda is gone.

Song lyrics are all so weighted now

With my thoughts of Matilda Mae

You know I can’t smile without you
I can’t smile without you
I can’t laugh and I can’t sing
I’m finding it hard to do anything

I’ll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I’ve got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I’ll do my crying in the rain.

If I ever get to heaven I’ll bet
The first angel I’ll recognize
She’ll smile at me and I know she will be
My beautiful ebony eyes.

Don’t tell her to turn down,
Put on your shades if you can’t see,
Don’t tell her to turn down,
Turn up the flame.
She’s a star.

I searched the moon, I lost my head,
I even looked under the bed
I punched the walls, I hit the streets
I’m pounding the pavement looking

I’m missing you
I’m missing you
You’re not around and I’m a complete disaster
I’m missing you.

And I miss you
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
And I miss you
Oh
(Like the deserts miss the rain)

You are so beautiful
To me
You are so beautiful
To me
Can’t you see

You’re everything I hope for
You’re everything I need
You are so beautiful to me

I wanna wake up with you
I wanna be there when you open your eyes
I want you to be the first thing that I see
I wanna wake up with you

I wanna lay by your side baby
I wanna feel every beat of your heart
And throughout the night, I wanna hold you tight
I wanna wake up with you

Today was the day that I realised

I have lost my voice

Nothing means the same

Now that Matilda is gone.

It’s hard to carry on
When you feel all alone
Now I’ve swung back down again
It’s worse than it was before
If I hadn’t seen such riches
I could live with being poor
Oh sit down
Sit down next to me
Sit down, down, down, down, down
In sympathy.

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18 thoughts on “The Day I Realised I’d Lost My Voice

  1. Sit Down is one of my favourite songs too. Now when I hear it I will think of you and Tilda. Such beautiful pictures. Such a beautiful girl. I’m so so sorry Jennie x

  2. I love to sing but it took a long Time after r died before I could
    Standing right beside you xx

    Smile though your heart is aching smile even though its breaking when there are clouds in the sky you’ll get by

    Smile through your tears and laughter …just smile xx

  3. Oh Jennie, yes, yes,this. It felt like every song was out to get me. The radio alarm was a torture that brought me to tears. Every sing, every song seemed to hurt.

    Would you believe I miss this feeling? I don’t cry in the car any more and I don’t hear those meanings in the songs any more and I miss it. Miss so much that pain. Even the pain has faded and that was all I had.

    It sucks, this loss. It sucks from every angle. It hurts less, later, but hurting less just hurts.

    • Merry I completely get what you are saying. Music was a sure fire way of me crying and mainly in the car.
      I too miss that release and find sometimes I go looking for it when the days are rough and I want to remember and grieve

  4. I cant imagine much will ever be the same again. Buy like many others, I will do what I can to sing for you until you find a voice. A different voice, no doubt, but a voice all the same. Much love to you xxxxx

  5. One day you will smile and one day you may sing. No one can tell you when this pain will ease. It’s a very long and painful road for which you are only at the beginning. When I think of my K I have to imagine I my head that my angel just wasn’t meant for this world. I still miss her and constantly question if I could of don’t things differently. Although your angel will always be with you – there will come a day when things may seem slightly easier. Its been over two years for me and I take one day at a time, some days worse than others. You are so brave and sending you big hugs x

  6. When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high,
    And don’t be afraid of the dark.
    At the end of a storm, there’s a golden sky,
    And the sweet, silver song of a lark.
    Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart,
    Though your heart is full of despair,
    Walk on, walk on, to the End of the Storm –
    And you’ll never walk alone.
    You’ll never walk alone.

    xxxxxxx

  7. Music is written to touch our souls – you’re brave to turn it on at all and I know one day you’ll find the strength to sing those words for your beautiful girl – you may not be able to sing but you still have an amazing voice! xxxx

  8. I heard Sit Down on the radio driving home tonight and thought of you. And every time I watch In The Night Garden I also think of Matilda. Music brings such associations. I still can’t listen to MorningHas Broken without crying as it was the hymn we had at the service for the little one I miscarried, but now when I hear that I can smile more now. Sending lots of love your way.

  9. When you’re alone and blue as can be… Dream a little dream of me.
    Sometimes songs can bring comfort, you don’t have to sing along- use them as your release valve. Let then unleash what you’ve been bottling up.

    Thank you for sharing your life on here with us all. I have a Tilda too. She is my everything. Tildas are special girls.
    I send you my warmest thoughts and strength. X

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