Matilda Mae: Six Months Sleeping

Since yesterday I have felt numb

I have made it through the day without a tear

And now I am broken

It is too hard without you here

Nothing feels right anymore

I don’t know how to fix things

The pictures in my mind of how things should be

Are too strong and colourful

Real life just pales in comparison

How can anything ever be bright and beautiful again

Now you are not here.

I can’t get you back

It is a physical impossibility

So why do I keep on thinking of ways to try.

Nothing can ever bring you back.

I am so angry Baby Tilda

It is all so cruel and unfair.

An old man said to me today

“We all have our family tragedies

But losing a baby so young, so suddenly

That is something else.”

It is unbearable is what it is.

It is a constant piercing pain.

It is a need to hide away and shout from the roof tops all at the same time.

I am so angry that you are gone

Snatched from our family in the dark of the night

I feel like the dusk has never quite lifted

In six long months

In no time at all

Everything I see is in shades of grey

There is no beauty in anything

Not without you here.

I miss you Baby Tilda.

My Matilda Mae.

My Matilda Mae

Our cheeky little monkey.

I think your brother and sister can feel it too x

They were cuddling their monkeys so tight today

I am sure they were thinking about Mummy’s little monkey in the sky.

Mummy’s Monkey in the Sky

We love you Baby Tilda.

Our Matilda Mae x

Our Baby Tilda

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14 thoughts on “Matilda Mae: Six Months Sleeping

  1. I am so sorry Jennie. I am so sad and angry for Esther and William that they will never grow up with their sister. Such sweet but heartbreaking photos of them cuddling their monkeys. Thinking of you x

  2. I know I’ve said it countless times but I can’t just read and run – I can never do that with your posts, Jennie – I’m so sorry and I have been thinking of you more than ever today. Everyday you and Tilda are in my thoughts. It still doesn’t seem real and I hate the world at times like this. I wish there was a way to bring her back. Hugs, always xx

  3. it is really heartbaking what you all going through. i do hope that it will become “easier” for you one day. surely the unknown and wondering is a painful thing, and it will probably always stay with you, but i hope you will find peace as well. Im so sorry you are going through this and sorry for all the other families that do too, you have done a tremendous job with raising all the funds and i know nothing will replace or bring back your baby Tilda, but every time i hear another angel growing wings because of SIDS i become so angry and i hope that one day someone will find a way to stop it and im sure you know that you are doing so much with raising awareness, and funds that might just help reach that step. 6 months is a long time and also seems so short…thought about you today a lot. x

  4. Reading this has just made me burst into tears… I send my thoughts to you and your family… People never really leave us, it’s just we can’t see them anymore… I can’t even think of any words to say.. It’s something we can never understand but know that you will always have your guardian angel beside you xxxx

  5. As always I’m so, so sorry, Jennie, and so annoyed that I can’t change things for you.

    I love looking at photos of Matilda Mae, such a beautiful, loved, happy baby, I wish she was still here, but I know she will always feel the love xxx

    Such touching photos of the twins with their monkeys.

    Sending love to you all.

    So sorry.


  6. I’m am so so sorry. I will never understand it. 6 months on and I still feel sick to the stomach every time I think of your terrible loss. I cannot imagine how impossible every day is for you. In my 37 years of life I have seldom felt as terribly sad as I do about the loss of Matilda Mae xx

  7. Dear Jennie, I think of Matilda Mae often. Your beautiful photos and her gorgeous eyes. Keep going. You are doing as well as you possibly can be .

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