Tomorrow is September
I hate September
This is me
Last September
Monday is the 2nd
I hate the 2nd
My baby was born on the 2nd
The 2nd was the date she died
How is it ever going to be right that this beautiful baby died?
So full of sparkle
So full of potential
So full of smiles
Of love, of life
And yet she died!
7 months without Matilda Mae
Is life getting easier?
No.
It is a very simple answer.
People say time is a healer
Believe me it is not
When you lose a baby
When your child dies
Time does not heal the hurt
Every day is a day further away
From the daughter that we loved
Every day is a day she should have lived
And you question yourself
Every single day
What would she be like now?
What would Baby Tilda be doing now?
She would be 16 months on Monday
She would barely be a baby anymore.
Every day is a day she should be here
Playing her beautiful part in a family
Our family
That is missing it’s heart
I still cannot talk about Matilda without crying
Yet I hate it when people do not speak her name
I hate people’s lives continuing as though she were never here
I find it hard that people do not understand the pain
I struggle with what people think it is okay to say or do
I hate being judged for how I choose to grieve
I am proud of myself and how I have coped
I am proud of how David and I have pulled together
We have made it through more in 6 years
Than most couples face in a life time
I am proud that we are able to get off our mattress in the morning
And try to face the day.
In 10 days it will be our wedding anniversary
And instead of celebration it will break our hearts
It is a reminder of our wedding day
When Tilda Bump was our special secret
I was so happy that day
So in love
We had no idea what was coming
We just knew that growing inside me was our Matilda Mae
She was always our Matilda
Even then
Always our Baby Tilda
Matilda Mae
In 18 days it is my birthday
And I am not going to mark it this year
How can I?
Why would I?
The one thing I want is not here?
And no one can give me any present I need.
10 days after my birthday is David’s.
A whole month of birthdays and celebrations
Feels like a month of hell!
And after birthdays starts the countdown to Christmas
A time I cannot even begin to think how to face
Our Christmas will be very small this year
Stars and candles yes
Parties and crackers and silly games no
It will be a quiet, reflective Christmas for us this year
Made just magical enough for two toddlers to believe.
And I hope those who are closest to us
Will understand when we close our doors
It is not going to be the most wonderful time of the year for us
Not ever again.
When your baby dies your friendships change.
So many relationships have changed
Because of Matilda Mae
I have found out who my true friends are
The people I can count on
Any time of night and day
Some are the ones who have always been there
Some I have known but never appreciated
Some I have never met
And others I know that Baby Tilda brought to me
Because she knew I would need them the most
David and I are closer than ever
We are fiercely protective of our children
Dead and alive
Tomorrow is September
I hate September
This is me
Last September
Monday is the 2nd
I hate the 2nd
My baby was born on the 2nd
The 2nd was the date she died
How is it ever going to be right that this beautiful baby died?
I can think of no words to help you cope during the next calender month. But you’ve coped this far, you can see this through. You can. xx
Oh I know September is going to be so hard. So so hard. Am thinking of you, as always, and I am so thankful for our friendship. You don’t need to explain anything to me, ever. Lots and lots of love to you xxx
Sending you lots of love.
MM was, is and always will be beautiful xx
Thinking of you now and always
You do what ever you need to do to survive and grief is a very personal thing and there is no right or wrong way. I admire you and David for just getting up in the morning. And with Christmas, I would understand if you closed the door on 1st December and opened it again in January. Thinking of you and remembering MM everyday. For a family I have never met in person I think of you all the time.
I think of you often – even though I don’t know you personally. Stay strong and just keep doing what you’re doing x
I don’t really know what to say Jennie but just know that all the readers of your blog understand your pain. I am astounded by your courage and think that all the fundraising you are doing is amazing. I find it sad that you sometimes feel judged for how you choose to grieve. You bloomin’ well should be proud of yourself and of David and the twins – it is obvious that you are such a tightly bound family unit. I know that life will never be the same for you and I know that time will never truly heal but just know that so many people think of you all every day and wish that things were different for you. xx
Jennie, I’ve been thinking of you so so much today. Even more than I think of you and Tilda each day. We went out without TC and it was strange. I wrote a post about how emotional I have been today as part of me was thinking about all those who have lost a child. I’m so sorry that you’re facing another tough month. I know there are many more to come. Even though I’m not about much at the moment I hope you remember that I am always here for you and always will be. Sending love xx
Thinking of you. Im always here for you.
I hope I never fully know the grief that you are experiencing but I hope I can always provide a small shred of comfort when the days are dark. We will always remember that beautiful girl. Every time I see bubbles I think of her. Every time Ophelia wears her Matilda Mae dress. Every time I hear the name Matilda. Every time I see a baby with big brown eyes I say they aren’t as beautiful as hers were. Sending love and peace for this month xxx
I love the picture of her in the bath with the twins. You are right, she is still there, in the middle.
[I’m sorry, I was writing this comment and it turned into a poem. I really hope this is okay – please delete if it in any way upsets or offends or is wrong.]
The heart.
The single one that binds
the doubles:
the twins, the couple.
The little one to dote on.
Living out joy,
giving out love.
Unimaginable,
the hurt of the heart ripped out,
taken away to be elsewhere.
Your heart is elsewhere.
But the shape of her remains.
Curl round and hug what is missing.
Wrap yourselves around the hole
like a helix.
She shapes your family DNA
as it shaped her
your bodies, your smiles,
your tears, your heart beats,
spell her name
write love letters
to the heart
to Tilda
present in her absence
shaping a future
she won’t be in
loving still
still loved
Tilda.
The heart.
This is just beautiful x Thank you x
There’s not a day goes by I do not think of you and Tilda. I am glad that you are proud of how you and David have coped because your strength every single day for the twins astounds me. I doubt in your shoes I would have been so strong. Love to you all xx
Jennie we have never met but I am a follower of yours on twitter. Your courage has been truly inspirational. Your twins are thriving and you and David need to take all the credit for that. I cannot imagine your pain. Your post tonight is so moving and I wish there was some thing I could do. Matilda was and is the most beautiful baby. It was tweeted to you once before that she was a special baby chosen to be an angel and it was also tweeted that you too are special chosen to be an angels mummy. I check twitter every day to see how you are. Matilda Mae will never be forgotten. Every time my toddler girls blow bubbles, wear pink/ purple or anything with stars I think of your little girl. You have made it that way. Matilda Mae lives on in so many ways and she is remembered by so many. Pease take care of yourself and your beautiful twins and husband. I wait eagerly for news of you getting your rainbow baby x
As always thinking of you and your wonderful family and Matilda Mae is always in my heart x
My heart aches for you, grief is so horrid, time doesn’t heal. What I have seen is your strength and resolve, you will always remember, you will always hurt but the hurt and the memories will blend together as the Matilda Mae you once held in your arms will be the the baby forever in your heart. Much love to you and your family xxx
Im so so sorry – time doesn’t heal I know – you learn to cope but things are never the same. And other people do move on with their lives which hurts so much as it only reminds you of how far you are moving away from the time MM was with you. But it doesn’t mean people don’t care – they do. Every 2nd of the month I remember and I always will. Clem was born on the 2nd too and I will never forget. No one can possible understand what you are going through – everyone grieves differently and for different reasons. My family forget Clovers birthday now, and Ben’s, and I try not to dwell on it as I know it hurts them to be reminded. One day L and C will grow up and make their own lives but Clover, Ben and their other brothers and sisters will remain with me always, quietly and softly with me, and one day when I leave L and C to their lives on earth I will see my other children again. Somehow I have found some peace with this and I pray one day in your own way you do too. Hugs xxxxxxxx
You should be so proud of yourself, Jennie. You are an amazing mummy and wife and you have battled through each hour of the last 7 months and you have survived. September is going to be a really hard month for you again especially with birthdays and an anniversary but Matilda loved her mummy and daddy with all her heart and she will want you to hold each other tight and think of all the special memories you had with her. I think of you always x
Thinking of you often xx
Oh no, your anniversary 🙁 That’s one I hadn’t thought of. Your quiet Christmas, though, sounds just what is needed. And I know what to send you for Christmas: LOVE. You still need that. 😉 And in September I hope will be a dinner. It won’t be celebratory. It doesn’t have to be fun, but there should be good food and talking and and hugs there can be tears if need be and there will most certainly be wine, because I will be there… 😉 That might be the thing I look forward to the most in September. x x x x x x x
As a mom who has lost a child &remembers your pain!! As much as you don’t want to hear this…time….is the answer! We were blessed with no anger I no idea why!!! The one thing that has helpful was the fact that I had to redirect my life & focus on the Thank Gods….I was thankful for having Blake for 14 yrs, I was thankful for for making me realize how short life really is & we need to embrace each day.Each day I would think of a moment of joy I had with Blake & even if I didn’t have him for life I had a million special moments that made me laugh, cry & smile in his memories for without my memories I would have nothing….Only you can heal your broken heart…your husband, family or friends cannot.Your baby girl will always be your baby girl rejoice in her name & memory because she wants to see her mommy happy again! Your love will never leave you but believe it or not your pain will!
Thank you for your comment and I am so sorry for your loss x
the photograph in the bath with David holding Tilda, the pure love that shines out of him as he looks at Esther is just beautiful.
I think the way you are coping and grieving is amazing, I am glad you and David are pulling together and not falling apart. Life can be so so cruel and you really do wonder why me? why us? You do get up in a morning, you do amazing things with William and Esther, life is going on and you are going along with it, your strength is truly inspirational. and the legacy you are building through the fund raising is more so.
Not for one second can I appreciate how you feel, Tilda was a beautiful beautiful baby and I really wish there was more people like me could do, but as you say there is only one thing you want, and none of us can bring Tilda back for you.
Huge hugs to you all, and I hope September is over quickly for you.
I don’t believe time is the cure, I don’t think there is such a thing as a cure or remedy for such a huge grief. There isnt a way to get over Tilda. But then, why should there be? Tilda isn’t something to get over is she? She was a beautiful little girl who’s loss makes no sense and was such a powerful grief that it even makes people who’ve never met Tilda or you cry. A sparkle that strong says something.
I do however, believe that with time, when you think of Tilda and talk about Tilda, instead of tears, sometimes, there will be laughter and smiles that reflect the little person you see in all these wonderful photos of a well and truely loved baby!
Sending you virtual hugs and thoughts x
The new season marks so many changes doesn’t it, yet some things stay the same. Your love for Matilda and hers for you will live on forever. Sending you oodles of hugs Jenny xx
Thinking of you as always. Sending you the strength to get through this month. I can understand how time can not heal this tragedy. You will always love and remember your gorgeous baby. We understand how things can never be the same again. Love to you all xxx
Just to say that your poem is the most heart breaking and beautiful thing I have read in a long while. Your little daughter was so beautiful. How can any of us know how it feels unless it happens to us. In a way, I suppose, any of us have had a child can imagine how it would be.How raw and horrible the pain is. All I can say is that our hearts go out to you.
Time is not a healer. It may feel like time is putting distance between you and Tilda, but there are some things that time can’t touch. It will always be true that Tilda is a very beautiful, special baby. It will always be true that you are her mum. It will always be true that you love each other very much. Millions of years from now, when people are long gone, those things will still be true. x
Matilda is such a beautiful, happy, smiling baby. I think you are right, she was meant to be an angel. I can’t imagine your grief. You and your family are amazing and there is clearly so much love in your house. Matilda is always so happy because she knew she was so very loved and secure. Your twins always look so very contended too. I don’t know you but read your blog and think of you often. I really hope there is a rainbow for you soon. Xxx
Hard to know what to say that hasn’t already been said before, still thinking of you and your beautiful MM every day, and sending love and bubbles to her in the sky and to you down here on earth, until you can be together again xxx
I am thinking of you Jennie. I think of you most days, Matilda Mae will never ever be forgotten to me. Hoping you find a way of getting through September as much as you can do. All my love always Jennie. x
I wish I had the words to help you through September. My thoughts are with you, you and Matilda Mae are never far from mind xx
Wishing you strength to get through another hard month-family occasions must always hurt the most xx
It breaks my heart to read this. I still can’t believe that a healthy baby can be here one minutes and gone the next. I can’t imagine how unreal everything must feel for you. You are doing an amazing job of keeping going. Her name will always live on. I think of her and your family often, even though I only met her as a bump. She has changed the lives of lots of people because you’ve given a real face to SIDS and shown that it could happen to any of us. And we’re all behind you 100% to support you as you try to raise money to make sure this awful thing doesn’t keep on happening to other parents. Sending strength and hope for the future from me and my family xxx
Always thinking of you and your family, and am feeling your pain. Sending lots of love. Xxx