Last night was a night I will never forget

I went to London with my good friend Melissa

We went to St James’ Palace as guests of The Lullaby Trust

In memory of Matilda Mae

To celebrate 25 years of CONI

The Lullaby Trust‘s amazing Care of the Next Infant Program

And to recognise the hard work of the highly experienced health visitors who offer this service throughout the country.

CONI provides support to families who are looking forward to a new arrival, but who have experienced the sudden and unexpected death of a baby in the past.

I hope that one day, if our rainbow appears, David and I might become ambassadors for this valuable program.

Last night was incredibly emotional for me

I cannot say ‘My daughter died’ without crying, I cannot think it or hear it without tears pricking my eyes and threatening to fall

Last night was tough but wonderful and I would not have missed being there for the world

Melissa and I arrived at the palace and took photos outside

I am glad we did as there was no photography inside the palace

No phones, no bag

I felt quite at home among the glitz and the gold

In my very special Matilda Mae Starlight Dress from Fever London

We walked up the grand staircase

Past the 16ft Christmas tree

With baubles the size of goldfish bowls

Listening to the beautiful voices of the choir

Singing traditional yule tide carols

As we entered the reception we were greeted by Francine

She introduced us to Louise who I have really wanted to meet for some time

I knew her story from Twitter

And wanted to see someone 10 years on from where I am now

She gave me hope

And that is what I really need right now

As I am finding everyday a little more painful

Every day harder than the ones gone before

Life without Matilda Mae is not getting better

Or easier to bear

As we countdown to Christmas

Head into a new year

Relive our last weeks, days, hours and moments with our daughter

Mark her death

Her funeral

And the cycle starts all over again

One lady, a trustee of The Lullaby Trust summed it up quite beautifully last night

She simply said, ‘It is shit’.

And it is.

That is exactly what it is.

There were two moments from last night that I will treasure for always

The first is meeting HRH The Duchess of Gloucester

She is a beautiful lady

So graceful and kind

A wonderful listener

She shook my hand, twice

She asked about Matilda and about the twins

When I told her about Esther and William

And how they talk everyday about Baby Tilda in the sky

She had tears in her eyes

And to my total surprise she cuddled me

And it was wonderful

And I know that she meant it

And she does not know me but she cares

And that meant so much to me

I managed to stay composed thankfully

Which is much more than I did when I met the wonderful Emilia Fox

Emilia Fox is a heroine of mine

I have idolised her for a long time

I promised myself that I would not gush at her if I met her

But I did

Louise from Lullaby Trust asked if I would like to meet her

I said that I would but I couldn’t because it would be too emotional

My love affair with Emilia Fox began before my children were born

She is a wonderful actress

She reads children’s audio books

Including Owl Babies which we adore

She played Morgause in Merlin

I copied her hair from my wedding!

I promised I would not gush about any of these things

But in fact I did

And we laughed together

For me through my tears

As I was so honoured that this amazing lady

Came over to me and hugged me

She sat down with me and held my hand

She asked me about Tilda

And she really listened when I talked about her

Really listened

I could have talked to her all night

It was wonderful

Amazing

I talked about my beautiful baby girl

To the stunning and amazing Emilia Fox

I was so excited when she became an Ambassador for The Lullaby Trust

She was everything I hoped she would be

And she had time to sit and talk about Tilda

And that meant the world.

The palace was full of lovely people last night

I could write and write and write about the evening

An anniversary of 25 years outstanding work

Caring for infants whose families have been affected by Sudden Infant Death

The Lullaby Trust is made up of a remarkable team of people

Fabulous corporate sponsors

Parents like me

Too many parents

And all headed up by Francine

One of the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life.

She is so kind and so welcoming and so passionate about fighting SIDS

And supporting families like mine

Last night was important

For The Lullaby Trust

For me

It is not a night I will forget in a hurry

A cuddle from a Duchess, talking about Tilda with my idol, enjoying amazing magic tricks beside Annabel Karmel and knowing in my heart that I have found somewhere I belong

A trust I want to support and be a part of

In memory, always, of our baby

Matilda Mae