Dear Matilda Mae: I’m Sorry

I really cannot believe it has almost been a year

It seems like only yesterday we walked in our wellies to mark 9 months

It seems like only yesterday you were here

Something has changed though

From November until now

Perhaps in the turning of the year

My mind has accepted you are gone

And there is nothing I can do to bring you back

I wanted to write to you today to tell you I am sorry

I am so sorry that I let you die

People tell me it was not my fault

But I am your mummy

The buck stops with me

I am your protector

I should have been

I could not and can not love you more than I do

But I let you down and I am sorry

They say I did not cause your death

It is some medical phenomenon

That stopped your heart

But with no real proof

And no answer to see

I find it so hard to believe

There are days when I just want to be with you

But I know in my heart that I can’t

Not yet

But one day

I will find you

And I will hold you

And I will tell you in person

How sorry I am

How much I wish everyday that things could be different

I am your mummy

And I let you die

I did not kill you

But I could not save you either

And my heart breaks anew every day

Knowing that I let my baby down in the worst possible way

I would give anything to have our time again

Bubbles and stars have come to mean so much to so many

But me, I just want to feel your breath

The beating of your heart

I want you hear with me

I will never stop loving you

Missing you

Wanting you

And needing you

As long as I’m living

My baby you’ll be

TILDA AND ME

18 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: I’m Sorry

  1. Dear Jennie,
    Please don’t say it was your fault. No little girl could have been loved and cared for better and every word you write shows how much you miss her with all your heart. I hope the counselling will help you to understand that none of this is your fault. How we all wish we could give Matilda Mae back to you where she belongs. Please don’t blame yourself sweet Jennie xxx

  2. Such heartbreaking words and emotion. It wasn’t your fault at all, SIDS is so cruel leaving so many questions unanswered. I still struggle to believe it’s all real sometimes, even though it’s almost a year. I wish with every part of me it wasn’t so Jennie but know that we are always here for you, always thinking of you and will always continue to build Tilda’s legacy with you xx

  3. It was not your fault Jennie. I too hope counselling can help reinforce this. I cannot believe it is a year. My heart breaks a little for you every day. I wish – as we all do – that I could simply turn back the clock xxx

  4. Lovely Jennie, it was not your fault and you did not let Tilda down. It’s an understandable feeling but it’s not the truth. Praying for you and sending lots and lots of love and hugs xxxxx

  5. Jennie, I wanted to repeat what we’ve all said, many times. It so wasn’t your fault, it was no one’s fault. I know you could read that an infinite amount of times from doctors, nurses, experts and us friends who admire your courage and it wont make that feeling go away, but I hope one day that things get easier. I truly do, you are such a wonderful person, such an inspiration to many, along with Tilda. Yes, her name will be spoken by so many, who will benefit from the Lullaby Trust. But it will be you Jennie who everyone will look to as a survivor, as a remarkable person. A Mum, a tough spirit, a fighter and a fund raiser. We all love you so much, and remain here for you whenever you need a hug, a rant, or a cry. It makes my cry to read how hard this hits, this week will be tough. But you are still here. You have come so far x

  6. Oh Jennie! You have not let any of your children down. You didn’t let Matilda die.it was not your fault. I am crying reading. I wish I could do something to mend things.

  7. Jennie, I don’t think there is a day that has gone past that I haven’t thought about Matilda Mae and your family since the unthinkable happened. I cannot believe it has been a year almost. LL was born in February, and having her arrive made my heart ache that you were going through this- it still does every day. Every time I lay her down to sleep I thought of you and cried so many tears for you. It is the most cruel thing that could happen to any mother, and it was in no way your fault. You didn’t let her down, in fact you have shown your remarkable courage, strength and inspiration, as well as showing you are truly a Mummy in a million, by all that you have done in her legacy. I cannot believe all you have done. Matilda Mae’s story has been spoken by thousands, all over the world. I will always always remember her, and I will always remember you in many years to come, and what an incredibly remarkable lady you are.
    Sorry for the essay, I just wanted to tell you that. I will be thinking of you, as will many many people on the 2nd. I am sure that this week is going to be even harder than normal, but know that we are all here to support you. x

  8. This breaks my heart Jennie. Of COURSE you are not to blame, but as a mother I can understand that there will always be a part of you that feels you are. It is part of motherhood to take on that feeling of ultimate responsibility. But I hope that, even if that part of your heart can never let that feeling go, at least your head will one day accept you carry no blame, and that the guilt doesn’t become an extra burden on top of the pain you already carry. Thinking of you xx

  9. It breaks my heart that you feel you could be in any way to blame for the loss of your beautiful Matilda Mae. How could you ever be, when all you did was love her and protect her and cherish her? – nobody is to blame, SIDS is to blame, and we will all continue to support you to fundraise to help fund the vital research that is needed to understand more and ultimately try to stop this awful awful tragedy tearing other lives apart. Almost one year on and still a day doesn’t pass without me thinking of Matilda Mae, and of you. I pray for her little soul every week when I go to mass, I see her in the stars as I look up at the sky at night, I think of her when I see bubbles, see pink and purple, and I wish and I pray things could be different. I am so sorry that they are not. So very very sorry xxx

  10. Oh Jennie the pain in your words breaks my heart. There is nothing we can say to take it away but please know that we are all standing with you this week. You are in my thoughts every day. We will be blowing lots and lots of bubbles for beautiful Tilda on Sunday xx

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