Dear Matilda Mae: Without You

Letters for Matilda Mae

Dear Matilda Mae

Without you
I am terrified every day
Hurting all the time

Without you
I am in love and awe of your amazing Daddy

Without you
I am head over heels with all of my children

Without you
I am sad
Angry
Scared
Confused
Fragile
Passionate
Weak
Strong
Numb

Without you
I am disappointed in the people who let us down

Without you
I am lonely

Without you
I am grateful to the friends who get it
Thankful for the family who try to understand
Betrayed by the ones who can’t or won’t

Without you
I feel guilty for living

Without you
I have no confidence
I cannot remember who I am

Without you
Life is difficult
The world is hard to understand

Without you
I am lost
I cannot find my way

Without you
I am wanting you
I am needing you
I am loving you and missing you
Every single day

Without you
I am wrong
Life feels all wrong

Without you
I am nothing

I am nothing
Without You
Dear Matilda Mae

179

This photo was taken at Hythe where we will be on Sunday for Tilda’s anniversary.

18 thoughts on “Dear Matilda Mae: Without You

  1. I read this and my heart goes so heavy like a stone. I literally feel it dropping into my stomach because it’s just not right. It will never be right, but I’m so in awe of you for making it the best it can be – remembering Matilda beautifully, making her legacy powerful and as right as it can be. This week has been a busy and stressful one for me, and every day I grow more emotional because it feels so wrong, wrong, wrong to me that I don’t have time and peace as much as I want to be online, to be reading and responding as much as I would like and to think of Matilda and write, write, write. This time last year everything stopped. I just stopped and it feels like everything should stop this year too. I have a very special letter to write and I want to be here for you. Tomorrow is finally my last very busy day and then Saturday is my first day for you and for Tilda. You’ve been in my heart every day but I can’t wait to sit down and have the time and space to feel and think of you and Tilda as you deserve. Love.

  2. It makes me so sad when you write of feeling betrayed by those who don’t try to understand. How anyone close to you and your beautiful family could turn their backs on what you are going through astounds me. Your photograph on the beach is beautiful. May you feel close to Matilda there this weekend xxx
    Helen Braid recently posted..GlimpseMy Profile

  3. I am here for you and always will be. It makes me so sad to think of people in your life not ‘getting it’ – that you have to face that as well as all this is so so unfair. Love as always c xxx

  4. Beautiful poem to your gorgeous little Matilda Mae… Stunning photo of the two of two. I cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling without your baby. xxx Mel

  5. Oh Jennie I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. No words will ever make it better but just know that so many people think of you every single day and Matilda Mae’s name and legacy will live on in thousands of hearts. If we could bring her back to you we would in a heartbeat. Lots of love to you all xx

  6. Jennie my heart will go on breaking for you and your family forever. I won’t say I get it, because I don’t. I can try to imagine your pain, your hurt, your anger, your confusion. But I can’t truly empathise as I have not been in your shoes, walking through each day with a part of me missing. You are an inspiration and your bravery has touched more lives than you can ever imagine. My sister read my letter and was so touched by it she emailed me. And she said she remembered me telling her last year. She lives 150 miles away from me and we see each other rarely, but it has touched even her.
    The photo is beautiful and I pray that your day at Hythe is one of family and of peace.
    Much love xx
    Faded Seaside Mama recently posted..Letter to Matilda MaeMy Profile

  7. Jennie, I am so very very sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter Matilda Mae, the pain you have to endure every day and the agony of living without her. You write so beautifully, so eloquently, in the midst of your grief and in doing so have created an incredible legacy for Tilda. You are an inspiration, and have made so many of us better mothers because we follow your example. I am English and am currently an expat in Africa with my husband and two children, and I think of you all the time, please know that beautiful Matilda is being, and always will be, remembered across the world.

  8. Though you may feel empty, feel like nothing, without your beloved baby girl – and that is completely understandable – I am sure of the fact that you must mean the world to your husband, to Esther and William, and to your precious Matilda Mae who is looking down on you and bursting with pride for her amazing mummy xxxx

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