Don’t Do, Can’t Do

Life has changed for me this year
Natural happiness and joy are gone
Even on my strongest days
The hours feel dark and long

I cannot do what I used to do
I do not see how I used to see
Since I lost my baby girl
It is not easy being me

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I no longer coo over babies
I avoid pregnant people as much as I can
I am not very good at birthdays
Weddings and funerals I cannot stand

I cannot read a book anymore
Unless I’m certain I know how it ends
I cannot watch many things on TV
I rage at the messages they send

I cannot listen to people complain
About their children, how much trouble they are
I want to shout Your children are here
You have no idea just how lucky you are!

I hate listening to people
Go on about things
That really and truly don’t matter
I have no patience any more
For idle chitter and chatter

I struggle to drive without panic
I don’t like being alone
I hate checking on sleeping children
Until I see them and hear them
My head and heart assume they are gone

I struggle to get up in the morning
Dare not breathe til I hear their noise
And then I hide from the cold cruel world
Knowing I will never hear your voice

I worry when David is not at home
I panic if he is late
I am not very good with silence
I am not good when I have to wait

These are the things that first spring to mind
When I think how I’ve been this year
I have lived 12 months of terror
Of anger and sadness and fear

The new friend I see most often now
Sees pictures of me from before
And though she knows me more than most
Says she does not recognise me anymore

I have lost my sparkle
I have lost my sense of fun
I have lost my confidence
I have lost so much cos my baby is gone

Just gone!

Life has changed for me this year
Natural happiness and joy are gone
Even on my strongest days
The hours feel dark and long

I cannot do what I used to do
I do not see how I used to see
Since I lost my baby girl
It is not easy being me

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10 thoughts on “Don’t Do, Can’t Do

  1. Beautifully written with the sorrow of your year coming through, I read and my heart always, always goes out to you, that beautiful little girls Mummy, the one with the broken heart.
    Jennie, it is no wonder you don’t recongnise yourself anymore, you are changed forever more, for losing your baby does that sadly to one, love sent from me to you x

  2. Oh darling Jennie, you are changed forever. How could you not be?!
    My plea to you is that you also reflect on what you have been able to do, even if each took huge internal battles: getting up in the mornings, creating magical moments for Esther and William, telling people about Matilda Mae, speaking in public, sharing your journey with such openness and honesty. You have shown strength above all!
    These are not easy and you have done them.
    Along your journey, I trust you will rediscover some parts of the Old You and embrace parts of the Changed You. There’s a long road ahead, know that there are lots who care, who are willing you on, who are there.

  3. You are changed forever, that is true- but the changed you is still wonderful. Kind, generous, loyal, loving, creative and passionate. You cannot do things as easily any more but you still try. You are an amazing person and all who meet you say the same. Your biggest ‘can’t do, won’t do’ is accepting that YOU matter, YOU count and YOU are worth the effort. When you realise that, you will see that all the people who have stuck around and who have migrated towards you are speaking the truth. They are by your side because you and you and not because your baby died. We cannot change that fact, no matter how much we would like to, and we cannot change you. We would not want to. My only wish is that you would see yourself how we see you, and maybe one day you will. It is just too soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. A beautiful post Jennie and I really can’t say any more than others already have. We are all behind you and whilst you may have changed in a way few of us can comprehend, you are still here and we still walk beside you xxx

  5. Oh Jennie, like everyone has commented, we are all here for you, listening, always. Please be kind to yourself, soon the small things that feel huge now will beome a little easier and you will feel more confident, especially with the support and tools the consellor will give you and of course your friend and family. Thinking of you, lots of love x

  6. You are changed yes, how could you not be, but you are still an incredible, warm, loving, caring, beautiful person and mummy and all those who love and support you and want to comfort you feel that way because of who you are xxx

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