Coombe Mill was the perfect place for us to say goodbye to 2013.

It was another dreaded milestone and one that David and I found incredibly hard

Saying goodbye to Tilda’s year

The year that she had lived

And died.

It was hard to suddenly be thrust into a year

That would never see Tilda smile

Hear her laugh

Or watch her grow

It was hard to accept 2014 was here

We had a lovely time at Coombe Mill

But it was also hard

We were all struggling with the loss

Off our beautiful Matilda Mae

And Esther and William

Then David and I

Were all very poorly with colds

By the time we came home we were ready

We could not avoid the new year forever

No matter how much we wanted to

And there was of course another consideration

Our growing rainbow

It was time

Time to get a first glimpse inside our rainbow bump

Time to hope for that flicker of hope in a heartbeat

I am not sure what I would have done

If I heard those awful words again

Sorry, there is no heartbeat

David and I had agreed to wait until 9 weeks

Last time we saw the flicker at 6 weeks but by 8 weeks it had gone

We could not put ourselves through that again

And so we waited

We booked the scan for just after 9 weeks

With a doctor we know and trust

He scanned Esther and William

And Matilda Mae

And our lost little one

We know him and he knows us

It did not stop me being terrified as the appointment drew near

All scans in pregnancy are a mix of fear, anxiety and excitement

When your baby has died

And you’ve suffered a miscarriage

Heard the words that no one wants to hear

You feel the excitement part much less

If at all

But the fear and the anxiety are heightened to epic proportions

I was a wreck on the day of that first scan

A total, utter state

I was hoping and praying

But so scared

And not daring to dream that this time

Our rainbow wishes might come true

I am not sure how long I held my breath for

Dr Penman sensed our nerves

And before anything else

He played her heartbeat loud and clear

Strong and rhythmic

One wriggly little alien

With a flashing flickering thundering heart

One baby rainbow

Made it

Safe

To the 9 week mark

A heartbeat at 8 weeks increases the chance of a continuing pregnancy to 98% and at 10 weeks that goes up to 99.4%.

So things could still go wrong and sadly sometimes do, but as long as there is a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage decreases as the weeks go by.

For now we were okay

David and I were so emotional

No ecstasy, no rush of exhilaration and excitement

But what?

Relief?

An ability to breathe

A chance?

Very few people knew about our pregnancy at this stage

We did not want people to know

We wanted to get to 12 weeks

But then it would be Tilda’s anniversary

We could not tell people before that

We did not want people to know

And think it meant that we were okay

We were and are far from okay

But we have hope of our rainbow

A baby brother or sister

For Esther and William

For Matilda Mae

It was our secret

Our whisper of wonder

Our flicker of hope

A flash of colour

Our rainbow bump!