After Christmas I made a tough decision
I knew that I was not going to be able to use Baby Tilda’s things
With our rainbow baby
And so it was time to give them away
David needs time to renovate our bedroom
Ready for the new arrival
And so that we can sleep in a bed again
Before this pregnancy is much further along
But it meant some very sad goodbyes
To some things that were very Baby Tilda
The Graco Evo she adored
The baby gym that had been used by all three of our children
The unused triple buggy
So many sacks of beautiful beautiful clothes
The bouncers and rockers that had again been used by all three
And the lovely baby swing
We gave all our baby things away
To our local Sure Start Centre
Who pass things on to Women’s Refuges
And store things for families in need to come along and take as they need
I wanted Tilda’s things to go to loving families
To children in need
I wanted her things to help others
There were so many things she had not had chance to properly use
Her highchair
Her cot
I have actually kept her cot
I am going to make it into a writing desk
I have also kept her rocking horse
That she was not ever really able to use
I am going to keep it in our bedroom
I also have three boxes of clothes
And momentos
And some of her favourite books and toys
The things from which I cannot bear to be parted
These will go in my Matilda Mae window seat
Where I will go for quiet time
To remember my baby girl
I still find it so hard to believe she is gone
I am also struggling to come to terms with the fact I am pregnant again
That all being well in 5 months I will have a baby in my arms
A new baby
A rainbow baby
A glimmer of colour
Of hope
Among the dark and ravaging storms
But this baby deserves to be more than
The baby after Tilda
She deserves to be a baby in her own right
Have her own character
And her own love
I want everything to be perfect for this rainbow baby
And so we begin with a blank canvas
And we dare to dream
I hope that Baby Tilda approves
I hope that she is watching over us
I cannot bear to think that this new baby hurts her in some way
Separates us in some way
I wish with all my heart I could have them both
If Tilda were still here
This little one would make our family complete
Now I am not sure I will ever say that
For there will always be someone missing
At every table, every day
Every holiday, car journey, special event
There will always be Tilda missing
But somehow I have to make it possible
To miss Tilda in all I do
But to love this new baby too
This rainbow baby we have longed for
And so we begin with a blank canvas
And we dare to dream
I hope that Baby Tilda approves
Oh I think she definitely approves. I think that each rainbow in the sky is a sign; each flutter in your tummy is a sign; each wonderful coincidence is a sign. Matilda may be gone but she is there in all that you do and one day your rainbow baby will learn all about her beautiful big sister.
x x x x
I am utterly convinced she approves because every time I think of you and rainbow baby I see a sign of her immediately after or even simultaneously, be it a rainbow or a star on the pavement or one of my children saying something pertinent just at the right time as if she had whispered in their ear… always accompanied by such a happy, calm feeling of “all is well” in my tummy. I take this to mean this rainbow is coming to you as it should and she is happy. x x x x x
I am as sure as anything that she approves and carcasses the growing little soul with all her love.
Im sure you have her full blessing, she would want you to love this new baby as much as you loved her, for this baby to feel that love and warmth just as she did, as William and Esther do every day. and to be part of the family, a family of 6, as Tilda will always be your third child.
I would like to believe Tilda has sent you this baby to help in some small way, and your very mixed emotions are only to be expected.
hugs to you all xx
I’m sure that Tilda approves, in fact I think she is giving this rainbow baby a helping hand. This baby will never diminish your love or memories of Tilda and she will know that. Look at all you have done in her name, all the people you’ve helped, all the money you’ve raised, all the friends you’ve made, all the things you’ve said and blogged. She knows, Jennie. She knows you will always love her and wish that she was with you. I’m sure one day you will be together as a complete family again. Sending you love xx
Reading this with tears in my eyes. I never managed to dream very well. We kept the nursery as it was, but I think maybe it is different because he never used those things, they were not really his. We gave almost everything away, except things we brought especially for him, which went in his memory box. It was a very long time before I could believe that she would be staying. She moved out of our room, into her own and it was only then we decorated – though a shelf with Finley’s things stayed in there. We still have his buggy. I couldn’t use it for her, and have tried to sell or give it away a few times, but can’t quite do that. I am daring to dream about whether we will try again. I would love to feel pregnant again, but the happy little bubble, not the scared one. I’d love a little one, but at the moment it’s just too scary
Jennie, although I cant make you feel better about the immensely hard decision I can tell you that my daughter and I found ourselves in a refuge (she was 6 months old) we had the clothes we stood up in and nothing else.
Through peoples generosity, good will and hope my daughter was given many things we needed to make a really difficult time in our lives more bearable x
For the parents that sent the stuff that helped us for what ever reason I know i will always be very grateful, just as those you have helped will always be greatful to you honey xx
Dearest Jennie, I can feel pain in every word of this post – I am so sorry you are so heart broken. Matilda Mae approves of her baby sister being born to the bravest, kindest, most thoughtful mummy ever. You are very special Jennie and I only wish that Matilda. Mae was in your arms and not proudly watching you from heaven xx
I’m in tears over this beautiful post. What a journey you’re on. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to give those things away but it sounds like it’s been necessary. I’m sure Matilda is happy that you’re having a baby. Your feelings about it all can never again be uncomplicated but I pray that you can know much peace and joy in the coming months as you prepare and welcome this new life.
You’ve done such a wonderful thing by donating some of Matilda’s things, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to do that. The things you have kept must be so precious to you and I think the idea of making a special place to remember Tilda using her cot for your writing desk is so special and personal. X
I think she more than approves, think this rainbow baby is a gift from her. xx