Today was a long day at the hospital
My lovely friend Melissa picked me up at eight and by the time we got home it was two
Today I am 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant
I had to have a scan to check the length and condition of my cervix
My cervix measured 3.2cm and was in a good condition
I had this scan because Esther and William were so very premature
The scan will be repeated at 20 weeks and possibly again at 22 or 24 weeks if there are any concerns that the length or condition have changed
The scan is internal and is not the most comfortable of scans
As she was measuring the cervix I was able to see baby dancing at the top of my cervix
As well as looking at my cervix today
The sonographer also had a little look at baby
She was head down and feet down
All curled up in a ball
I saw her lovely long fingers
And she looked at us so we could see her face
She is measuring as she should be for this gestation
Apart from her abdomen which is very large
This could mean that she is going to be a big baby
It could be a possible early sign of gestational diabetes
Or it could just be a tubby tummy
They will look more closely at 20 weeks
And I also have a series of growth scans booked
Between 28 and 36 weeks
Lots of chances to bond with baby
Lots of opportunity to spot things that might go wrong
Lots of reassurance for a bereaved mummy
The hospital are being incredibly supportive
They always ask about my physical well being
As they always have before
But this time they also ask how I am coping
Mentally and emotionally with the pregnancy
And I like that
I need that
Because this pregnancy is not easy
I feel guilty that this baby is growing
And Tilda is not
I am too scared to enjoy this pregnancy
Frightened to love this baby
For what if we lose her too?
But my tummy is growing
I have a definite bump
A baby is growing
A wonderful thing
And I want to love her so so much
I want to hold her
I want to keep her
I want to have her
For always
But I am terrified that I will not
This pregnancy I am feeling well physically
I get tired about three o’clock in the afternoon
I have to be careful how I move around
My nights are restless
Not helped by sleeping on a mattress on the floor
I have aches and niggles and pains
But each one of them is a blessing
As a sign of what is going on inside
And for a few minutes I sit down with my bump
And delight in the pop, pop, pop
As my baby starts to move inside me
And I begin to feel her
Connect with her
Just for a moment
At the end of each busy and emotional day
And I pray that I am enough for her
That I can be mummy enough
For our rainbow baby
That my body will not let me down
Let her down
Let us down
That I will not let her down
Cervix okay today
Baby okay today
It is all okay today
And I am finding hope in that
Though it pierces my heart
That there is no hope left
For Baby Tilda
I can never be mummy enough for her
Jennie you are mummy enough for all of them. You can love your rainbow baby completely and it won’t diminish your love for Tilda in the slightest. But I know you are scared and that is understandable. I am praying for you and sending you so so so much love xxxxxx
You will always be mummy enough for all of your children including baby Tilda & she will live on in the legacy you have created for her. I’m so pleased for you that the scan bought good news – cute bump!
This is such a beautiful but painful post. Praying so hard that this baby is healthy and that God comforts you and meets your needs right now x
You have such an amazing way with words Jennie. You look fantastic and glowing, and I’m so glad all is well for baby. No matter how much you love your little rainbow, it will never mean you will love Tilda any less. I’m sure she is looking down on you and rainbow with a big smile! Xx
Jennie,
Great news about your baby girl. Keep looking after yourself and putting your feet up when you need to.
Baby Tilda is part of your family full of love. And she loves your new baby as much as you all do, and she knows she will never be forgotten because of all the wonderful ways you all remember her. Xx
But you ARE Mummy enough for her, providing everything you possibly can for her, loving her more than anyone could and doing such miraculous things in her memory. You were the best mummy to her in life and continue to be the MOST perfect mummy to her even when separated by different dimensions, or by Heaven and Earth or by the divide between the relative, material (some might say illusory!) world we live in and the unseen one where she is, beyond the physics we know… Your love is THAT powerful it transcends the physical laws of our Universe to reach her! I believe that completely. And I also believe Tilda saw that your love is so boundless and infinite she knew you could love a rainbow baby without it taking one tiny drop of love away from her… so she sent her sister to you. Now, I’m a little far-out possibly in my belief in how the Universe works (and that’s without the wine!) but even if I’m wrong about it ALL one fact remains: You’re love is enough. YOU are enough. For David, for Esther and William, for Matilda Mae, for rainbow baby, even for your friends. That’s how magnifcent you are 😉 x x x x
PS. Love your description of the scan. So happy she’s well and your bump is beautiful!
You look beautiful Jennie and your bump is a sign of hope. You love Tilda with all your heart and she is part of your heart and who you are now. This beautiful baby growing inside you will know all about her big sister in heaven and will know how much she is loved because she will see how much you miss her every day. I am so sorry this pregnancy is so scary and so confusing. I hope you feel baby Tildas presence with you through this journey. I wish with all my heart she was still with you in your arms. Much love xxx
you are mummy enough for all of your children\ \jennie. I am thinking and keeping you in my prayers much love and what a beautiful bump you have xx
Jennie, you will ALWAYS be mummy enough for Matilda. In her short little life you were everything to her, each and every day. Every day! You were the person who cared for her, fed her and held her. You were her entire world for her entire life and you made every day of that life happy. How can that not be an amazing thing? You will do the same with this baby too. You will be enough. You are you. And you are always enough, you are always amazing.
x x xx
Jennie, I’m so glad that your appointment went well. I know that nothing we say can take away the pain but you are the most amazing mother to ALL your children, Matilda included, not just for the short time that she was with you but now, as you keep her memory alive and in doing so continue her legacy by helping others. Sending you love and hugs as always x
I can’t imagine how scared you are Jennie, and I will pray every single day that your beautiful bump arrives safely. You are more than a Mummy to every single one of your children. Your rainbow baby will hear all about her big sister in the sky, you will make sure of that. xx
That is super sweet that you have got to meet your little baby girl, I am so glad she is a little baby girlie too. I cant imagine what you are going through and how you must be feeling, I really cant. But the fact you have hope and something to occupy your desires and longing, must be great. You are BEING a perfect Mother to rainbow baby already; she is cooking away nicely and you are doing everything possible to make that so -perfect Mother!
This is Tilda’s way, this is Tilda’s wishes. She will be with you every step of the way for the rest of your life. You are being the best Mother you can be. Tilda lives on and that is your doing. Tilda is with you every day, every step – that is your doing.
The twins remember, the twins are growing and developing and getting excited about their new baby sister that is cooking – you are helping them do this. You. Being all the Mother you can be.
Strong. Thoughtful. Sad. Happy. Considerate. Calm. Patient. A Mother! xx
What a bittersweet time for you. I am so glad your little one is thriving and growing and that you have these scans booked in for reassurance. I cannot begin to imagine how this pregnancy must feel. I am glad you are physically well and being closely monitored. Please try not to feel guilty about your love for this new baby girl. Tilda would not want you to feel that. Sending much love today xxx
I am so glad that you are getting all the support you need with this pregnancy. It must have been wonderful to see your baby moving around, especially seeing her face too, always a special moment. You look like you are glowing, what a lovely neat bump. You are Mummy enough for all of your children, you always will be xx
You are looking gorgeous in your pregnancy, Jennie!
I hope as you pass each milestone without a glitch you will feel more and more able to open up to this new little being lodging inside you.
Hi Jennie
I have just caught up on the happenings in your life, I am so pleased that you are able to grow a very special Rainbow baby, and I truly am keeping everything crossed for you all. Happy to hear that the hospital are being so supportive of you. How times change over the years.
You say that you can never be mummy enough for Tilda. You are more than mummy enough, you keep her memory alive every minute, in your heart, in your mind, in your words both written and spoken. You will always be more than mummy enough, as David is daddy enough, and Esther and William will always know as they grow older that they will have two sisters.
It is hard to relax into a pregnancy when you are scared of loss, it is easy to forget those around who are scared of the loss for you, we are all supporting you and your family every step of the way, until your Rainbow Baby reaches the grand old age of 100, and then my darling Jennie, only then, on receipt of her telegram from the King (?)will you perhaps allow yourself not to worry.
God, Tilda, and all the angels in the sky are watching over you. xx