Tomorrow I will be 20 weeks pregnant
Half way to 40
Half way there
If we get there
If we get that far
If we get that far
Seems to be my pregnancy catchphrase
I tag those 5 words
On to everything else I say
And if I do not say them out loud
I am definitely saying them in my head
If we get that far
We got to 12 weeks
And now it seems we will make it to 20
I wonder how much further our journey will be
7 weeks from now with Esther and William
And they were born!
60 weeks from now with Matilda Mae
And she was dead
I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy
Look forward to this baby
But it is so hard
It is hard because I am terrified
Of all the what ifs and maybes
It is hard because I miss Matilda
So much
I do not wish that this baby was her
But I do wish with all my heart I could have them both
I should have them both
This is about the right time
About the right age gap we had planned
Between Baby Tilda and her sibling
It is hard to be pregnant
When a baby has died
It is hard to be pregnant
After miscarriage
Every twinge is a worry
Nothing ever feels quite right
Always on edge and panicked
What if this?
What if not?
I want to start planning for this baby
I never really have before
With Esther and William they came too soon
And with Tilda we were moving house
So she never had a room of her own
It was going to be her first birthday present
Coming back from Coombe Mill
And moving into a beautifully decorated room of her own
But it never happened
She
We
Never got that far
Upstairs the room that should have been Tilda’s
Is being renovated
A blank canvas
To make a nursery
Fit for our rainbow baby when she comes
If she comes
If we get that far
But what if we buy all the things
Choose them
Cherish them
Love her
Look forward to her
What if we do all the things
That normal parents do
And then we do not get that far?
I am not sure I can bear it
That aching empty heart
Those aching empty arms
I am not sure I will make it through
If we do not get that far
I need us to make it
Yet why should this baby make it?
I need us to make it
I need us to get that far
I will be 20 weeks pregnant tomorrow
I do not talk pregnancy with anyone
I do not make plans with anyone
I do not talk or sing to my bump
I have not admitted her presence to Esther and William
There is no excitement or expectation
No happy celebration
Just wondering and waiting
Questioning
Will we get that far?
I recognise most of those feelings. I had 5 miscarriages before I carried to term. Every twinge, every movement, count the kicks? I could tell you to within a second of when the last kick was.
I did talk to my baby, I did sing to my baby, I was trying to fit in all the stuff I wanted my baby to hear if we didn’t make it to the end. I constantly told my I loved him/her – no gender scans in those days. I only truly relaxed once my baby was here.
My circumstances were very different to yours. If I had carried any of my pregnancies to term I wouldn’t have the two sons I have now. I mourn the babies I lost, I treasure the ones I have.
I didn’t buy anything at all for the pregnancy, didn’t decorate a room, nothing. Once he was here, it was all hands on deck.
What you are feeling is normal, but please try to talk to your rainbow baby when you are sitting quietly, just the two of you. This baby needs to know the sound of your voice and the songs you will sing just to her.
Big hugs,
I am a type 1 diabetic and although I have not had your heartbreak, I do know the ‘if I get that far’ feeling very well. Before you get pregnant you’re told that you’re twice as likely to miscarry, have a still birth, suffer birth defects. Terrifying. I didn’t talk names or think about the future, because it wasn’t here yet, it wasn’t a given. I crossed each day off the calendar and breathed a sigh of relief that I was that little bit closer.
I hope this little baby can heal your heart somewhat.
All your feelings are understandable Jennie. You have suffered indescribable loss and you can’t make sense of losing Matlida. Of course you are going to be terrified. Matilda Mae is looking after her mummy and her rainbow sister – I hope you feel ready to enjoy your pregnancy soon x I am here if you ever need me xxx
I think that all your feelings are completely normal and understandable considering all that you have been through. Wishing you well and I hope you are getting all the support you need xx
Oh Jennie this post made my heart ache so much. I cannot even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Seriously cannot begin to imagine. I was quite a paranoid pregnant person, and I had no reason to be. To go through what you have had to endure the last couple of years, with Tilda, the twins being born early and your miscarriage, I can only even being to imagine how you are feeling. You suffered the most indescribable loss losing Matilda that it must be terrifying to think of the what if’s. I wish with all my heart the utmost best for you and your little family and that while Rainbow baby will never ever make losing Tilda any easier, she will help bring you a little peace. x
A pregnancy after loss is so incredibly hard. I didn’t begin to feel a flicker of excitement until I was 23 weeks into my rainbow pregnancy – the same gestation my twin sons were born, and died. My husband and I were so scared to buy anything, to create a nursery. We didn’t get to do that with William and Noah as they told us at 12 weeks that one twin would not make it, and the other might die as a result. I was in and out of hospital constantly with bleeding, it was such an awful, uncertain time. I regret it now. I so wish I had bought them something. Anything.
With my rainbow pregnancy, the way I saw it was, it this baby also died, I would regret not buying any baby things a lot more than if I didn’t. I felt my husband and I owed it to ourselves to have some kind of semblance of a ‘normal’ pregnancy. I’m so glad we did everything we’d always dreamt of doing, I didn’t want to miss out on it.
It was never a normal happy pregnancy, we said ‘if’ not ‘when’ right up until he was born. But I tried my best to let go of that fear and dare to let joy seep in. Because I didn’t know when it would end. Each day I wondered, ‘what if this is all we get with this baby?’ so I wanted to know that I savoured and treasured every last moment.
x
Another wonderfully heartfelt post – Jennie – thank you for sharing. So pleased that you’ve reached the halfway mark – thinking of you and MatildaMae often xxx
As someone who lost two babies before I having our first and then our beautiful second daughters, I can understand the ‘if we get that far’ catch phrase; the unwillingness to plan for a baby’s arrival; the worry about every ache and twinge; the fear that this one again would not arrive safely with us… it is unbearable. And for you, even more so, given what you have been through. My heart aches for you and I hope and pray with everything I have that this Rainbow Baby will arrive safely and healthily into the world, into your arms, into your family’s heart. Thinking of you and MM always xx
I know the ‘if we get that far’ feeling too after miscarriage. Thank you, beautiful Jennie for being our voice. Xxxx