Today I am 20 weeks pregnant
Today I have been torn in two
Missing Matilda Mae with all my heart
Cherishing more definite movements from our Rainbow Baby inside
Wanting to remember Matilda
Wanting to prepare for our Rainbow
I know that if I lose this baby
If this baby dies
Having a pram or not will not make a difference to how I feel
Having a cot or not will not make a difference to how much it hurts
Having a nursery ready will not make me grieve any differently
I will still be a mummy who has lost her baby
But right now
I am a mummy growing a baby
A beautiful Rainbow Baby
And she deserves all the love I have to give
She deserves me to be as committed to her
As I am to all my other children
And so I have decided
It is time
It is time to start getting ready
And as part of Tilda’s legacy
Our first and absolutely most important planning
Will be around safety and safe sleep
Finding Tilda the night she died
Is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life
And though we have been told that Tilda did not suffocate or overheat
We will never truly know in our hearts
We will always wonder if we could have saved her
Should have saved her
I do not want to ever have that doubt again
It is almost impossible to live with
And though the coroner has told us
Quite definitely it was not our fault
We will always feel guilty that our baby died
Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) – also known as cot death – is the sudden, unexpected and unexplained death of an apparently well baby.
‘Sudden Infant Death’ is the term used to describe the sudden and unexpected death of a baby or toddler that is initially unexplained. The usual medical term is ‘sudden unexpected death in infancy’ (SUDI). Some sudden and unexpected infant deaths can be explained by the post-mortem examination revealing, for example, an unforeseen infection or metabolic disorder. Deaths that remain unexplained after the post mortem are usually registered as ‘sudden infant death syndrome’ (SIDS).
If we are lucky
If our baby is born alive
And our baby survives
We will need to bring her home
And somehow we need to be able to help her sleep
And without being too paranoid and neurotic ourselves
I want us to survive this
I want us to live
I want us to make Matilda Mae proud
I cannot bring Baby Tilda back
But I can do the best I can for her siblings
In her honour
In her memory
As her legacy
It is never going to be enough
But it is all I can do
So little Rainbow Baby
What do we need for you?
Bednest or Snuz Pod?
When we brought Tilda home from hospital she slept in a moses basket beside our bed or in whichever room we were in. She slept in her moses basket for months until we moved her to her cot in our room. She was not a great sleeper and so I had her cot right next to me with the side down until she was about 8 months old. We then moved her cot to about a metre away from me. We always had her close by. This baby is going to be just the same. Nice and close to mummy!
Bednest has lovely clean lines and has thought of everything. My favourite feature is that it tilts so if baby has a cold or is suffering from reflux then the cot can be easily put at a slant. I also love the bridge that safely attaches the Bednest to the bed. I was lucky enough to have a demo of this product at The Baby Show and I loved it.
I was absolutely set on the Bednest until someone told me to look at the Snuzpod. Like the Bednest the Snuzpod is a bedside crib that attaches to the bed. Though it does attach it does not have a bridge like the Bednest covering the gap between the bed and the crib. It also does not tilt but it does rock which I think could be very useful in getting baby back to sleep or indeed too sleep. Tilda always used to like being rocked. The Snuzpod looks lovely and cosy and I very much fell in love with the look of it particularly for naps when I saw a photo on It Started With a Squish blog with a Toddle Pod tucked prettily inside.
Baby Tilda had a beautiful very traditional wicker moses basket. I have given it away now as I know that I would have flashbacks if it were to be used again by a new baby. I would like this Rainbow Baby to have a modern moses basket and I have my heart set on one from Shnuggle. This eco friendly baby basket is made from plastic so is easy to clean and sterilise. It has holes in the base meaning that there is a good airflow in the moses basket. It comes in a range of pastel colours and seems perfect for a Rainbow Baby to sleep in. Safely. Shnuggle also have a fab new baby bath coming to market that we are honoured to have been asked to review.
This lucky Rainbow Baby is going to have two car seats. The Baby Safe Sleeper from Britax and the Hold from Cosatto. I love the Baby Safe Sleeper for longer journeys and for the earliest days allowing baby to sleep in a safe position while travelling. The Hold from Cosatto is a pretty car seat for a baby girl and has lots of reassuring safety features to boot.
This is a whole other blog post but I have my eye on three prams at the moment. Three prams that I cannot wait to tell you more about. The Cosatto Ooba for Mummy, the Bugaboo Buffalo for Daddy and the Britax Affinity as our general family pram.
Sleeping Bag or Newborn Baby Pouch
From 8lb 8oz Rainbow Baby will sleep in a Gro Bag just as Esther and William did, and Tilda too. There are some beautiful girly designs to choose from and the safe sleep credentials of this company will ensure that it is from here I buy my baby’s sleeping bags. I also love that they support The Lullaby Trust. If Rainbow Baby is similar to Tilda when she is born she will be too small for a sleeping bag and for that reason I have my eye on something else. A flannelette newborn pouch from The Little Green Sheep. This pouch is perfect for new babies, it fits around the chest meaning that baby is covered for sleep without the risk of getting there head under any covers. A fabulous safe sleep product from a company that promotes safe sleep and supports the work of The Lullaby Trust.
Rainbow Baby is due mid summer and so she will not need blankets to be wrapped in during the day but I like the idea of having these large muslins as a way of covering baby while she is in my arms. I have not swaddled any of my babies but they have all enjoyed being wrapped and having a bit of their covering to feel in their hands. These bamboo swaddles from Aden and Anais are beautiful for summer babies. I also adore this Twinkle New Beginnings Gift Set from Aden and Anais as a gift from Tilda to her Rainbow Sister. I also don’t think any Rainbow Baby should be without this rainbow bundle from Faye and Lou.
We have used Gro Eggs in all our rooms, Esther and William’s bedroom, our room when Tilda slept there and also our playroom which can be very chilly on winter mornings. These eggs provide at a glance information to how hot or cold your baby’s room is. Rainbow Baby will have Gro Egg of her own. She is also lucky enough to have been sent a Gro Light that will be used in our bedroom to start with and then moved to her nursery when she moves.
Baby Tilda had a monitor. But … it did not have breathing monitor and it also was not a video monitor. This baby will be watched and monitored more than any baby before. We are looking at a Tommee Tippee video monitor but also seriously considering buying one of these, Angelcare, for as much peace of mind as we can possibly bring. We will of course still be checking and checking each other’s checking but I also think we will get the best and most reliable monitor that money can buy.
And so here we are, planning has begun, for SIDS and the new baby.
Making a wish list of ways to promote and aid safe sleep.
I am growing a rainbow baby and I am going to do all I can to make sure she lives!
What would be on your list?