Growing a Rainbow: Waiting for the Anomaly Scan

Sitting

Sinking

Sad

Spot a star

Never seen before

Has it always been there?

On the old wooden gate

Is it a sign?

Anomaly scan

Terror

Pain

Even if everything is perfect

Perfect fingers, perfect toes

Everything in place

Exactly as it should be

Even then

I’ m not sure I will be happy

Not sure I can allow myself happy

Stars all around

“Don’t forget about me, mummy”

Or

“Mummy, it is okay”

“Mummy, I love you and I am watching over you”

“Mummy, it is okay”

Stars all around

growing rainbow

Growing a rainbow is hard

Physically hard

Mentally tough

Emotionally exhausting

You know more than most

Not everyone will take their baby home

Waiting for the sonogram

You can the faces

And wonder

Which ones of us will it be?

Which ones of us have already lost?

Which ones have no clue of the heartache that may come?

How I envy those who do not know

How I hope with all my heart they never will

How I wish with all I am

That I did not know

How I dream

That my nearly two year old daughter

Is racing round the waiting room

Rather than bouncing on clouds

And playing with stars

Everything should be wonderful

Magical

Instead absolutely nothing feels right

Because absolutely nothing is as it should be

And never can be

Because one of us is missing

Part of me is missing

And though a new part is growing

I am worried that she will not be enough

How can she be enough?

I am terrified that I will always feel like this

Sitting

Sinking

Sad

Searching for stars

Searching for signs

That are not even really there

Today we will see our rainbow

A picture of her on a screen

Even if everything is perfect

All as it should be

Even then

I’m not sure I know how to be happy

I’m not sure I know how to be

rainbow baby

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