Yesterday David and I drove to the hospital

We had been asked to attend an extra consultant’s meeting

I was ready to go in with lots of questions

But I did not need them

We met one of the senior consultants

Someone I know is very well thought of in the hospital

Someone I know is very well respected by bereaved parents

We met with this wonderful lady doctor

And without us needing to ask anything at all

She gave us a beautiful gift

She gave us hope

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow
Orison Swett Marden

The Consultant asked how I was feeling

I told her I was a little confused about the results of our cervical scans

She had a quick look at the notes to remind herself

And then she explained it all

Clearly and succinctly

Honestly but positively

She was wonderful

I felt like I was falling a little in love with her

She was just so nice and understanding

She spoke Matilda’s name

Out loud

She was simply brilliant

And without ever saying

I understand, I know how you must feel

I think she really did understand

And I think she is one of the rare people who genuinely does try to imagine how it must feel

To be me

To be the mother to a baby who has died

Acknowledging Tilda lived meant the world to me

Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy
Eskimo Proverb

The doctor told us all about the scans

Starting with my apparently forever moving placenta

I have a lateral placenta

So it is wrapped around one side of my womb

Meaning most of it is posterior but a small part is anterior

This should be identifed at the scan

But sonographers tend to just have a quick look and decide front or back!

My cervix is long and healthy

There is a tiny opening at the top

But nothing to suggest that this is worsening

Nothing to say that it is just the fact that this is my fourth pregnancy

That it is general wear and tear

The main part of my cervix is long and healthy

She thinks I am at very low risk of going into preterm labour

At the moment

What I loved about this lady

Is that she also realised that David and I were not naive

That we knew things could change at any moment

She was reassuring but also realistic which I liked

And she also knew that however much she told me to relax

And not worry

I would worry

And I would struggle to relax

She felt my tummy and listened to baby and the placenta

She said that all sounded good and normal

We talked about having steroids

She said that she was not recommending I have them

But if I start to get scared closer to term

Or if there is any significant change

Or something happens

Then I can have the steroids if I want to

To help develop baby’s lungs

In case of premature birth

We were not offered this with Tilda

And I am sure that unless something specific happens

We will not have them this time

But it was just the fact that she offered

That she raised the subject

And knew it would be something I might want to talk about

I wanted to talk about it with Tilda

And nobody would

The doctor asked me if I was okay

She said again that she was not worried about this pregnancy

She was more worried about my mental state

And how I was coping with pregnancy after loss

This is when I started to get teary for Tilda

And admit that I am worried about giving birth

When your baby dies

You talk to lots of other people whose babies died

And you realise all the many ways that birth can go wrong

And I am terrified

But I am also determined

That my fear will make me focus

On labouring the best I can

And making good decisions about the safe delivery of my baby

I am aiming for a natural delivery

Esther, William and Tilda were all natural births

I know that things may not go to plan

But I am planning for a vaginal delivery

If I can

The consultant was supportive of this

And said that she thinks because I am already thinking about it

And talking about it

That mentally I will be okay

I came away from that appointment smiling

Here was a Consultant who believed in me

Who understood that this pregnancy is not easy for me

Who was sympathetic about the fact I am scared and anxious

Who seemed ready for all the contradictory emotions that come

With growing a rainbow

After weeks of confusion

We have answers

And more than that

We have hope

Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.
Lemony Snicket, The Beatrice Letters

We have hope