Toddler Tilda Turns Two

Dear Matilda Mae

We woke up early on your birthday

Two little children ready to play

Racing down the stairs of our home away from home

I could not get out of bed

Heart too heavy

Legs of stone

I just wanted to lie there forever

Two years ago

I was giving birth to you

I am still battling every day

With the injustice of it all

It is never going to be okay

That we celebrate your birthdays without you

That is never ever going to be okay

Before lights out the night before

We had decorated with balloons and bunting and stars

Esther and William were thrilled

And they knew exactly why things were different this day

Why this was a very special day

It made me so proud to hear them speak of you

With such understanding and love

Today is Baby Tilda’s birthday

She cannot have presents up in the sky

So we have them for her

To remember her

It is Baby Tilda’s second birthday

Baby Tilda would be two

Baby Tilda is a toddler

If only that could be true

Do toddlers die?

Out of the mouths of bereaved siblings!

mm moments

After breakfast we headed to the beach

To Watergate Bay

To spend a morning on the sand

Mummy, Daddy, Esther, William

But no Matilda Mae

beach1

Granny and Granddad were with us too

And how wonderful that they were

Together we spent a quiet morning by the sea

family fun

Running on the sand

Making tracks

Leaving trails

boy on the beach

Blowing bubble kisses to the sky

Writing your name in the sand

Over and over again

bubbles1

Did you see your name Baby Tilda?

Did you catch our rainbow kisses?

bubbles2

After our beach play

We went to The Beach Hut

For a lovely lunch

Overlooking the sea

And Extreme Hot Chocolate

birthday lunch

I wish you had been with us Matilda Mae

So I could have given you my marshmallows

And chocolate coins as a special birthday treat

After lunch we headed back to the farm

And to your river

Last year your ashes set sail

This year Esther and William rode the bumpy waters

On a canoe

s river

We told them why

They said that they might follow you

Might go to you

I was very quick and very firm in telling them they would not

I am sorry Baby Tilda

But they will not

They cannot follow you

beach babies

But symbolically today

They did

They retraced the journey of your little wooden boat

The followed the path of your ashes

And they loved it

Messing about on the river

They also loved throwing flowers to you

Pink and purple flowers

Happy Birthday Baby Tilda

We shouted to the sky

With each stem that we sent to the sea

cake

After the river came cake

Candles and singing

Through tears we sang

Happy Birthday to you

Before Granny cut your cake

cards and presents

We had such a wonderful day Baby Tilda

All together

But often lost in our own personal memories of you

We smiled and we laughed

We cried

We talked about you

Baby that you were

Toddler that you should be

I miss you Matilda Mae

I miss you every day

But on your days

Your special days

I miss you so much I can’t breathe

I can’t think

I love you so much

And the world does not feel right without you in it

At night

We went to your river

To the place your little boat set sail

We shared sparklers and bubbles

And silence

ashes anniversary
To remember our baby girl

To wish you a happy birthday in the sky

To wish with all we are

That you had been with us today

We love you and miss you Matilda Mae

On your birthday and all days

We love you and miss you so much

Forever our baby you’ll be x

forever our baby

17 thoughts on “Toddler Tilda Turns Two

  1. My heart feels like a stone in my chest when I read your so touching, so honest and so beautifully described bittersweet, painful day. I’m so proud of you for living it so gracefully and honouring Tilda so beautifully. You are perfect. I know your family feels so imperfect to you now with this gaping hole with her missing and I understand… but in my eyes, and I believe in Tilda’s, looking down on how you are doing… you are perfect. Doing perfectly. She’d be so, so proud and feel so loved.

  2. You write so beautifully – Tilda must be so proud of her clever mummy and lovely family who adore her so much. My thoughts are with you all xoxo

  3. What a beautiful day you gave your Birthday girl, though she sadly isn’t with you, in spirit she always will be.
    What a day of mixed emotions,
    What a way to remember Matilda Mae.
    A Birthday girl, a family sharing her day, with cake and all lovely things.
    Sending Birthday floaty kisses up to your toddler Tilda in the sky.
    xxx

  4. Heartbreaking post Jennie. You write so honestly and with such feeling that I feel like I am right beside you listening to you and seeing your heartbroken eyes. Most people would have stayed in bed all day and tried to forget it was Matilda’s birthday and I would have understood. But not you and your wonderful family. You did what you would have done if Tilda was not in heaven. What a beautiful, special day for a angel in the sky. I can’t imagine how you feel every single day dear Jennie and I know there will be a piece of your heart missing until the day you take Tilda in your arms once more. You are a strong, inspirational, kind, caring mummy and I wish Tilda was still with you here on Earth to feel that instead of in heaven watching over you xxxx

  5. Oh Jennie, Another heartbreaking day filled with beautifully thought out plans to make memories of Matilda for Esther & William. Many others, when they woke, WOULD have stayed in bed and hidden from the world that day in your position. Perhaps I would have? Instead, as you always have, you got up, fought on and marked her special day, filled it with love for her, for all of your children and I’ve no doubt she was watching over you. x x x

  6. You gave her a beautiful day.
    She may not have spent the day in the way she should have; in her mummy and daddy’s arms, and playing with Esther and William. But I don’t doubt that she was there, smiling from above and catching her bubble kisses. Thinking of you all, everyday. x

  7. A beautiful way to celebrate your daughter Matilda Mae. I can imagine her looking down with a big grin laughing with her siblings. I love that you returned to those precious places xx

  8. She must be so proud of you all, wherever she is now. I’m glad you have this special place to return to through the years. It is just so heartbreaking that she is not with you and growing into the little girl she should be xx

  9. I can’t help but cry reading this, she should be here with you all, it is just so unjust.
    You all have such strength to make such a beautiful day to celebrate her little life, she must be watching over you all with such pride, I only wish she was there with you all too xxx

  10. I could read your writing all day, it so often moves me to tears and I have only recently been ready to read Matilda Mae’s full story. My heart is sad when I read of your day and whilst I wish it was a day you didn’t have to go through I admire your strength to share it with us x

  11. From one mum of a two year old angel baby to another. You write so well and touch the hearts of so many. Our little girls will be watching over us. Always with us even tho we cannot see them. Sending you all lots of love x

  12. What a beautiful yet incredibly sad day. You are all amazing, and I can’t ever get through your writing without a) crying b) thinking what a beautiful beautiful family you are. It is so terribly unfair. x

  13. Beautiful…..so much love……… So beautiful. Sending birthday kisses for Matila Mae and lots of love to you all xxxx

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