Broken

A combination of holiday comedown

Missing Matilda Mae

And being very pregnant

Seem to have left me broken

I think I have forgotten how to be a Mummy

For the first time in ages I am home alone with Esther and William

And I have forgotten what to do

Today my three year old twins

Have told me the activity I set up for them was boring

And that they do not like being with me

And I know they are only three

And they don’t really mean it

I am fairly certain they do not even know what boring means

But today it is all I needed to completely break me

I have screamed and shouted

In a way I should not

They are now upstairs in their bedroom

Playing together away from me

And I am sobbing

Broken

And genuinely not knowing what to do

What has happened to me?

Why can’t I be with my own children and get it right?

I don’t know what to do

I think that this has been building for a while now

A combination of grief and fear

It is why I did not want to come home from Ullswater

Where everything felt different

Back here

To sleeping on the floor

A house desperate to be cleaned and organised

But no motivation to do it

Children who need me

But I can’t work out how or why

Feeling like I need time

But not knowing what I would do if I had it

Feeling confused?

Frightened?

Lost?

Broken?

I want myself back

Before my heart was broken ...

Before my heart was broken …

14 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Part of this is normal. I don’t know many Mums who don’t go through this. You haven’t forgotten what to do. You are pregnant. You are hormonal. You are normal.
    Part of this is 3 year old twins who are also coming down from a lovely holiday. They want to be with Dad, Grandparents, they want all the attention they have had for the past week. This is normal.
    Part of this is pregnancy. You are tired. You are feeling huge perhaps. You are worried. I don’t know many pregnant Mums who feel on top of the world at 29 nearly 30 weeks. Especially if they are anemic.
    Part of this is Tilda. Yes, it broke you. Yes it will continue to break you. Yes, you will continue to mourn your darling baby daughter. You will continue to be supported by those you allow to support you. By blogging you allow us all in. We will help you.
    Now to the practical side.
    The twins are playing. They are quiet and happy. Leave them to it.
    Make a cup of tea. Sit down and put your feet up.
    Think of one thing to do today towards cleaning the house and do it. Then if you feel up to it, another.
    Then take the twins out for a play in the garden.
    One minute at a time, one step at a time. It will improve. The house will feel more organised. The pregnancy will end. The twins will be hard to handle when the Rainbow baby arrives. They are older.
    What really hurts is when your 18 year old tells you he hates you and can’t wait to leave home and he is never coming back – he knew exactly what he was saying and how it would hurt. Even now I don’t know if he meant it really. He doesn’t communicate as much as I need him to.
    Still, enough about me. HUGE hugs. I wish I lived closer, I could come and help.

  2. Sorry to hear you’re having a bad day. I think all mums have times when we question what we’re doing with our children and all children say things they don’t mean. If you add on all of the other difficult emotions that you have to deal with, plus being pregnant, there are bound to be times when being Mummy is difficult.
    If your twins are anything like my daughter (who actually told me I was a Bad Mummy the other day) they’ll have had little idea of how their words affected you, they’ll forget all about it and they’ll be full of cuddles for you later and you’ll all be playing together again soon.
    All my best wishes to you, as always xxx
    Amelia Appletree recently posted..30 Days of Games: Day 2 – Feed the WoozleMy Profile

  3. Oh gorgeous lady. You are not broken because you shout and shriek!! You are totally normal. The fact that you deal with so much grief, stress, pregnancy hormones AND twins without shouting and shrieking more often makes you something of a delightful freak of nature!! ;) We ALL lose it sometimes (some of us more than others depending on our upbringing, temperament and life situations) but I don’t believe anyone who says they never have… It feels oh-so- awful at the time and there is one incidence with Gabs when his Aspergers and anger issues were so out of control I didn’t know what to do and I lost it like never before and I traumatised both him AND myself – and I have to say the guilt has never left me for that one. I didn’t know it at the time that I had been pushed to breaking point and it was just after that we started to get help going towards the AS diagnosis and occupational therapy. But the guilt is so, so awful and we have to let it go because if we COULD be doing better we would be!!! You are the most wonderful, amazing mother and do not forget that while they are so innocent and beautiful 99% of the time, just occasionally our children can be such little b**gers! They are only human and so are we… It will all come out in the wash. P.S. In 1984 my mum was heavily pregnant with my sister and we left lego all over our bedroom floor. She was trying to bend down to pick it up and she, too just lost it and shouted and shrieked!! Even at the tender age of 4, I remember being not traumatised but kind of in awe, realising immediately, “Oh wow, look at mummy shouting. She is clearly a) massive and b) REALLY tired. I guess I’d better pick up my lego.” I remember feeling a little sorry that we’d pushed her to the edge and realised for the first time in my little life that being pregnant was difficult. Now the memory makes me chuckle because to lose it over some lego is, in hindsight, out of proportion and she was like something out of The Incredible Hulk
    ;-) Poor Mum!! So let go of the guilt, lovely! You are doing great. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  4. Whoa honey, there have been so many times that I have screamed and shouted at my now 2 and 5 yr old kids. And so many times I have wished I was not a mother. How terrible am I? Times I did not want to sit down and play play dough or build with the friggin blocks again…. and then the many times that I did not. But I’ve never been an earth mother type. The kids still know I love them lots. And yours will too. Hormones have an infuriating way of taking over at times. Be kind to yourself please Jennie. Please think about putting on CBeebies more and more as the pregnancy continues… It happens… A lot! Thinking of you. x
    Emma recently posted..Destination: The Luton Hoo Hotel – A travel reviewMy Profile

  5. Oh I hope you are ok. I am sure some of what you are feeling is down to pregnancy hormones and I’m sure the children are on a holiday come down too. Shouting doesn’t make you a bad mother, it just means you are normal. Did the therapy help? It sounds like you need help to work through things. Can you move the rooms around at home so you can go back to sleeping in a bed. Just thoughts. Lots of love xx
    YouBabyMeMummy recently posted..Car Boot Sale Bargains – ‘Bootiful Booty Bargains’My Profile

  6. The children and the house get the better of me most days and I have neither grief nor pregnancy to deal with. It’s worse after a lovely holiday, coming home to everything you left. Jennie I hate the idea of you sleeping on a mattress heavily pregnant, but if this is what you need to do right now so be it. You will get thru this third trimester whether the house is a mess or not. Your new daughter will arrive and you will have days where you shout at e&w all the more. They will love you and their new sister just the same. She will not fix the problems you deal with and fill the gaping hole tilda has left, but she will be a new focus for you all. I hope tomorrow is an easier day xx
    Helen braid recently posted..The Lucky Star – An Audio Story and LullabyMy Profile

  7. I can’t add much to what others have said, but I will tell you that I have just shouted at my 7yo for absolutely no reason, simply because it is the end of a long day and I’m done. And, I don’t have grief or hormones to deal with. It happens, I feel terrible about it and have just apologised to him, and bless him, he was so sweet. It happens to the best of us, it doesn’t make us bad mothers, just human. Hugs x
    Sara (@mumturnedmom) recently posted..Make: lollipop stick fishMy Profile

  8. I think you might have to be Willy Wonka complete with a chocolate factory to not be boring after such an amazing holiday. Clearly it was a marvellous trip and everyone is feeling the effects of being back to reality. You can’t make it a theme park every day and some days are going to be boring. Try not to be hard on yourself – you have a lot on at the moment xxx

  9. Jennie, I love the activities you do with the twins and one of my twin girl’s favourite activities is now making rockets which I shamelessly copied from you :o)
    I agree though with the other comment to having a duvet day every now and then. Just snuggle up in front of a film and have lots of cuddles with Esther and William.
    I shout at mine sometimes too and feel horribly guilty. They do seem to understand my apology afterwards though which makes me feel slightly better x

  10. Don’t feel bad. Most of us have days like. But you are pregnant so you have a million hormones flying around and messing with your head. Plus you are no doubt tired. And of course you are grieving. And that is hard enough on it’s own. It is good that the twins have each other to play with. They don’t need you for playing as much as an only child might. My advice would be don’t try and organise activities just check them in the playroom and watch them play. They will let you know how they want you to be involved in their games. Don’t be hard on yourself xxx
    PhotoPuddle recently posted..‘Run, people, run’ by – MAGA -My Profile

  11. Just to echo the great comments above, a lot of this is normal, possibly because most of us are broken in different ways. I think that when children start to moan and complain, part of that is because they feel safe and loved enough at home to be able to kick off and know that ultimately it will be OK. You’re doing a great job, that much is obvious.
    Joanne Mallon (@joannemallon) recently posted..The bunny, the macaroon and the foot juice – my Korean beauty haulMy Profile

  12. Oh lovely, everyone of us has days like this, and that is without dealing with grief and pregnancy. You are a fantastic mum ! I don’t need to know you personally to know that this is true, it shines through in your blog and in your pics of Esther, William and Tilda. I say it often, but I wish you could see yourself the way the rest of us do…you are a remarkable woman, you really are. Sending you love xxxx

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