Hello

My name is Jennie and thanks to the wonderful Gummee Glove I will be at Brit Mums Live 2014

This year will be my third year

My first year I had just had Matilda Mae and this is what I learned

My second year I had not long lost her

This year I am still without her

But I am with bump

My beautiful Rainbow Baby to be

As I start to write this post

My heart is in my throat

I know that once again I am going to find Brit Mums hard

A conference centre full of people

Who know me because my baby died

People who might not know what to say to me

People who are wondering how I am now but are too scared to ask

At Brit Mums Live 2014 I will be 33 weeks pregnant

Judging by the size of my blossoming bump

You are not going to be able to miss me

Please do come and say hello if you would like to

Please do come and give me a cuddle

Especially if I am looking lost and lonely

Or look like I am in need of some company

Please don’t judge me

If I am smiling or even laughing

It does not mean that I am not also sad

This Bump does not and can not replace the baby that I lost

I will always miss my daughter

I miss her every single day

You will not make me sad by mentioning her name

I would find it stranger if you did not

You will make me proud to know that she is remembered

By more than just my family and me

I am her mummy

And I love talking about my daughter

The problem with all of the above though

Is that I do not generally find talking easy

I am quite shy with people

But please do say hello

If you would like to

Here are my answers to the questions for this year’s linky

Name Jennie

Blog Edspire: Wishing on a Star

Twitter ID @Edspire

Height 5’6

Hair Long and dark with a purple hint at the moment

Eyes Brown

This is my third time at Brit Mums Live and I have also been to The Mad Blog Awards twice

I will be attending both days and am looking forward to catching up with friends and learning about using video on my blog, something I would like to do more of

This year, for the second year, I am a BIBS finalist in the Inspire category.

Last year I knew before the event who would win that category, and she did, deservedly so.

It was the very lovely Tamsyn from Anecdotes of a Manic Mum

She won and I was so proud of her

I still am so proud to know her

I remember driving with David to the train station and telling him, through tears, that I knew she would win the Inspire award

And how did I know?

David and I lost our daughter

It has been and continues to be horrific

Unbearable

Life is unimaginably hard

But we have each other

I am not sure that I would function at all if I were to lose David

I broke down last year trying to explain this to my amazing husband

To the awe inspiring Tamsyn

And because I still break down

I am certain that this year the deserved winner of that category will be Ben from Life as a Widower

I am not belittling my loss or my grief

Or the life of and my love for Matilda Mae

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.
Jay Neugeboren, An Orphan’s Tale

But I know that without David

My life would be unlivable

I have thought that enough times about Matilda Mae

And David has been the one to pull me through

David and Esther and William

I am so grateful to people who nominated me

Who for a second year in a row

Found something here inspirational

And that is enough for me

Thank you

And if you are going to be at Brit Mums Live 2014

Then I hope to see you there

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and John Kessler