Growing A Rainbow: 35 Weeks and Craving Time

35 weeks gone

5 weeks to go

I am exhausted

Emotional

and envious

I envy all the people I see

Spending lazy afternoons reading books

Watching Netflix

While I chase round after

Nearly four year old twins

I hate myself

For being so tired and so emotional

And having to get so cross with Esther and William

Trying to make them understand

I need to rest

I cannot lift them in and out of swings all day

I cannot carry them up and down the stairs

I cannot push them both round the garden on their trikes

How do other people manage?

My children do not watch TV

The will sit through snippets

But rarely a whole program

And never a feature length film

If we do try to sit together

To watch or read

I end up, up and down so many times

Fetching drinks

Fetching snacks

Wiping one bottom

Then another

Then the other one again

My children do not understand being still

They do not get the need for rest

Of course they don’t

They are three

So I try to escape

Grab five minutes perched on the stairs

In this tiny space of time

A fight can break out

A room be over turned

Daddy’s business call disturbed

They are not bad children

I have no reason to complain at all

They are children

Young children

They are bundles of energy

Who love interaction

Who do not understand

That growing a baby

A Rainbow Baby at that

Is really hard work

Physically demanding

Emotionally draining

How can they possibly know?

So, what should I do?

Ask for help?

From David?

Who already does too much

He does more than me round the house

Runs his business and is basically rebuilding our bedroom

I don’t know what to do

I don’t want to push Esther and William away

I don’t want to be without them

I just wish we could slow the pace down just a little

I don’t want to push them away

I feel like that is all I have ever done

When they were 18 months old

I was heavily pregnant with Tilda

Then Tilda was born

And was so dependent on me

Then Tilda died

And I needed space to grieve

Now I am heavily pregnant again

Needing to rest

Before our Rainbow Baby

I am not feeling like I have been a very good Mummy to them

And I love them so so much

Even though they can be so very demanding

Of course they can

They are three

I know the problem is not with them

I know that they problem is me

And I know there are things I could do

To make our daily lives a bit better

But all of these take time

And time is something that already there is never enough of

But if I could have the time I crave

And some energy!!

What would I do?

I would deep clean the kitchen and utility room

I would tidy and deep clean the lounge and steam clean the carpets

I would tidy and deep clean the playroom, this is a mammoth job and would include getting more wall shelves up, another bookcase, organising the toys and books and steam cleaning the carpets

I would get the baby’s bedroom finished and find some storage for her so that I can begin to organise her things

I would buy an Angel Care Monitor so it is here ready for when Rainbow arrives

I would find some time for myself each day to do all the things I never seem to manage to do, have a shower, massage bump, do some perineal massage and feel physically better about myself than I currently do

I would find some time for writing because this helps, writing a post like this really helps. Scribbling my thoughts into a notebook helps me to clear my head, stop my tears and lifts my heart just a little

35 weeks pregnant

I am craving time

growing rainbow

9 thoughts on “Growing A Rainbow: 35 Weeks and Craving Time

  1. Lots of hugs. It’s so hard even on normal non pregnant days. I fully remember sleeping a lot around this time in my pregnancy with z and I didn’t have any other kids to look after. It’s completely exhausting and the need to sleep is all emcompassing. Hope you find a good sleepy break somewhere. Xx

  2. I can definitely sympathise. I’m only 17 weeks but feeling very heavy and lethargic. I have two toddlers – a just turned three month old and a 21 month old who need so much attention, especially as we are potty training the eldest. I’ve set up lots of quiet activities – books, play dough, train set, stickers…and just watching and talking to them. Bug hugs, and don’t feel guilty – growing a baby is hard work!

  3. Wish I lived near to you Jennie and I would come around and tidy you house, entertain the twins and make you a lovely healthy meal. Being a mummy is hard work without being pregnant aswell. Be gentle on yourself – you are amazing! Xxxx

  4. Bless you Jennie, pregnancy is so much harder when you already have children (and you have two the same age too) I know I felt like an awful Mum when pregnant with Sam, I was so ill in the early days we were practically house bound, I was drowsy on the sofa, and generally had no energy-it’s hard work making a baby isn’t it. Really feel for you, I am finding Alex (who is 4 1/2) very challenging at the moment, it seems to be an age where they really want constant attention! Do you have any friends or family close by that can help out a little, even if just for half an hour for you to have a little break? Don’t be too down on yourself-you do so much more with your children than many do! xxx

  5. What you are feeling is absolutely normal, you are heavily pregnant, you have three year old twins to look after, no-one would ever say it was easy. You are only being so hard on yourself because you are a really good mother. I have a three year old so I know how difficult they can be, I also had a three year old and a five year old last time I was pregnant (at the grand old age of 44, which didn’t help either) it’s bloomin’ tough. So give yourself a break x

  6. Oh my goodness I can’t begin to imagine. I find it hard enough chasing around after a 3yo and a 1yo and I am not heavily pregnant, not grieving. I find it hard enough keeping my house vaguely clean (as long as you don’t look behind or under things). And my kids love watching television. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are doing an AMAZING job. Just getting out of bed every morning is a massive achievement at 35 weeks with a rainbow baby. We are all cheering you on. xxxx

  7. Ah Jennie I can SO relate to this post. I too am desperately craving time. When you have young children at home time just revolves around them – it’s the nature of it – and so everything that needs to get done ends up being put off until the evening or when they’re at pre-school, which is never long enough! I’m sure Esther and William will grow up remembering what a wonderful mum you are, so don’t be too hard on yourself on that account. And if it’s any consolation, I currently have 4 year old with a broken leg in cast and have been making her shuffle around lots on her bottom because I can’t physically carry her everywhere at the moment. I feel awful but I don’t have much choice after hurting my back lifting her and trying to avoid the bump! Thank you for linking up to the #BlogBumpClub again. I love the little community of pregnant bloggers we’ve got now. xxx

  8. It’s all SO TRUE!

    Your post made me think of one little thing I did with my little ones when I was pregnant with my third… We took out the face paints and they painted my tummy! I thought they’d be finished in 5 minutes – but hey, at least that would be me laying down for 5 minutes! But even Miss 2 1/2 was at it for nearly half and hour. They were so careful, so precise, so pleased with themselves. So excited about painting on me!

    Worth a try? <3

  9. Do not feel guilty, that is the last thing you need – be kind to yourself, having 1 toddler is hard work – many non-pregnant women with toddlers struggle let alone having two, being heavily pregnant and going through what have and still are having lost baby Tilda.

    You have gone through so much in the last 4 years, more than the average Mum – often when times are like this you need to just get by in survival mode – if the toddlers are clean, warm, fed and loved then any entertainment is adequate, you don’t need to be giving them a bells and whistles fun schedule if you are so exhausted.

    Ask and take help, take one day, one hour even at a time – don’t put extra stress and strain or emotional turmoil on yourself through guilt at this time.

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