On Wednesday I will be 36 weeks pregnant

Yesterday I looked at the calendar and burst into tears

One month exactly until the due date of our Rainbow Baby

One month until we meet our little girl

David asked, ‘Why are you crying?’

‘I’m worried’I replied

Yes was all he needed to say

I know that he is worried too

Every time I think of this new life

I think of the one gone before

Poor poor Baby Tilda

I feel so sorry that she is not here

Not with us

Waiting for the new arrival to ‘come out’

And though I am longing to meet our daughter

I am worried

I am anxious

I am scared

I am scared that she will look too much like Tilda

I am scared that she will not be enough like her

I am scared that I will not love her

I am scared that I will love her too much

I am worried that I will be too paranoid

Too over protective

I am worried that I will not worry enough

I am anxious about how Esther and William will be

I am terrified that another sister of theirs will die

I am worried that I will have flashbacks

Of time with Matilda Mae

I am worried that people will think this baby will heal me

That everything will be fine once this baby is born

I don’t want people to forget Baby Tilda

I don’t want people to stop doing good in her name

I don’t want people to stop talking to me about her

I don’t want her to be forgotten

I don’t want people to assume we are okay

That life is normal again now

I am worried I will not be a good enough support for David

I am worried for the mix of emotions Esther and William will inevitably feel

I don’t know how to answer their innocent questions

Will this baby stay, Mummy, will this new baby stay?

I am worried that I will call Rainbow the wrong name

I am terrified that others will too

I am scared of being lonely

I am frightened of becoming a recluse

Part of grief is the loneliness

Though people try so hard to understand

No one truly can

My grief is my grief

And no one misses my girl in the way that I do

Not even David

Because he is he and I am me and we grieve differently

I am scared of being happy

That people will see this as a signal that it is okay

To forget Matilda Mae

I’m worried I won’t find the balance

Between Mummy to children on Earth and Baby Tilda in the sky

I am dreading the question, ‘Is this your first?’

When we are out and about on our own

The ever asked question, ‘How many children do you have?’

I know that for many mummies of Rainbow Babies

After SIDS or infant loss

With the birth of the new baby

The grieving process can start all over again

Is that what will happen for me?

I know that I cannot predict how I am going to feel

When our daughter is placed in my arms

One month from now

And she may be here

There is so much to do

To be ready

To welcome our little girl

To greet this newest addition to our family

And to make the most of her being here

And everything we do

Is filled with love and memories

Of our baby girl who could not stay

Our beautiful daughter

Who did not stay

We love you Matilda Mae

And we will make sure that Rainbow Baby knows

That someone special came before her

She will know your name

And remember you always

As we do

As we will

Because that is all that we can do

This is not moving on

Marching forward

Moving away

This baby is not a replacement

For the little girl we loved and lost

This is Baby Tilda’s baby sister

And we will love her

As we love her siblings

As David and I love each other

Because that is all there is to do

See you soon Rainbow Baby

See you soon Matilda Mae