As my bump seemingly grows bigger every day
Rainbow Baby is increasingly active
Not that she is moving more
But as she grows and my uterus thins
The movements are more noticeable
I keep seeing and feeling what I think are limbs
Which is making me wonder if she might be back to back?
I am struggling to sleep as the days go on
David and I are now sleeping back in our bedroom
The move back in was easier than I thought it might be
Because David has worked so hard to make the room a truly peaceful place to be
And I have filled it with Tilda things
Just enough to feel close to her
Without continuing to relive the night that she died
Sleeping in a bed again is lovely
We have bought a wonderful firm mattress
Which feels like such a luxury
After 17 months of sleeping on the lounge floor
The reason I am not sleeping so well
Is that I need to get up for the loo about three times a night
And I also get a dead hip from always sleeping on my left hand side
And panic if I try to give myself some respite by turning to my right hand side
My dreams are vivid too
And can be quite disturbing when I wake
The most recent one
Was Rainbow Baby’s foot bursting out of my tummy
Not very nice
During the day I swing from being tired to terrified
Worried about how we will be with a baby again
So sad that Tilda is not here to be part of it all
This week David and I have reorganised
The whole downstairs of our house
On little more than a whim
I am glad that we did though
It has all been a bit chaotic
But in the long run it will be nicer
And better for when Rainbow Baby comes
Esther, William and I particularly love the new cosy area in our playroom
And we have sacrificed a lounge for a breakfast / activity room
Which I think is going to be a lovely place to be
When we get it finished
We have also made progress with Rainbow’s nursery this week
And I have taken a first photograph of her in it
As we head towards 37 weeks
I am becoming very worried about the birth
On Monday we will have a scan and Consultant appointment
If all is well it will be our final trip to the hospital
Before we go there to give birth
I am worried that I will not remember what to do
To give birth effectively
Efficiently
I am so scared that something will go wrong
Once again this week
Someone I know has experienced loss
Once again my own grief has been brought back to the surface
As my heart breaks for another Mummy
Another Daddy
Another young sibling
Losing their baby to the sky
Before they even had chance to meet them and get to know them
I cannot begin to imagine the pain of delivering a baby
That cannot stay
But I know only too well
How it feels to live life with a huge part of you missing
Our friend’s loss has reminded us again
How fragile life is
How cruel pregnancy and birth can be
How in no time at all the world as you know it can be snatched away
And nothing can ever be normal again
People say to me
Oh surely this time everything will be okay
But we all know that the world does not work that way
Just because we have lost before
Does not mean that we will not lose again
I am going to be so so worried and scared
These final three weeks
Until I am holding our daughter in my arms
And then the guilt and fear and anxiety
Will start all over again
The time is coming close now
When hopefully we will meet our Rainbow
When hopefully we will be able to bring her home
When hopefully she will be able to stay
In the last few days and weeks too many babies have become angels in the sky, because of this I will not be posting photos or updates to Facebook. I will post links to blog posts so that people can choose to read them if they would like to.
Not everyone gets a rainbow and not every rainbow stays x
17 months? Wow! I couldn’t stand 3 months on our lounge floor heavily pregnant, it was painful, depressing and all I wanted to do was make the bedrooms look pretty but I couldn’t. 1 year on and still working hard but least we’re no longer on the floor. I’m so happy to see your room with a lovely area for you to keep some of Tilda’s keepsakes but also somewhere you feel comfortable in sleeping there every night. You’re an amazing mummy and your husband is a fantastic man. So happy for you all 🙂
Jennie, thank you for this post. On Thursday a dear friend of mine lost her baby to the sky in exactly the situation you have described above. I have felt helpless and hopeless, but realise I do not feel as helpless as I would have were it not for your blog. Thank you for being so honest here… Because of you, I know a little bit better what to say, and not to say… To remember and not look like I’ve forgotten… To talk and not avoid the subject. Thank you. This situation is more horrible than words and we are utterly devastated for them, but in what you do in honouring Matilda Mae… You help so many others suffering too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Lots of love and praying for you and your rainbow in these final few weeks.xxx
So sorry to hear of your friend’s loss.
Pleased you have made it up to your bedroom again, looks lovely from what you have shown, I bet it is nice to be in a proper bed again, albeit a bit uncomfortable at the moment. Hope you appt goes well at the hospital As for the birth I think your body just takes over, it’s weird how you remember what to do, and when you don’t you have your partner or midwife to tell you otherwise (mine was remembering to try and breathe properly through the pain, made a huge difference)! xx
I can’t believe how close to the end of the pregnancy you are. Can’t wait to meet Rainbow baby (through pictures) x Time passes fast but Tilda will always be in our hearts everywhere xxx
This is a beautiful post, I love that you are able to share such raw emotions, you (and baby Tilda) have helped more people than you know in so many ways, good luck for the birth of your rainbow baby x
I am so sorry for your friend, I really am. I cannot imagine. And it must be so so hard for you to relive the pain over and over. In terms of your pregnancy and rainbow baby’s impending birth- have you thought about natal hypnotherapy? I am going to order a CD and am hoping it will help allay the fears I have over the birth. It might help? x x x
A beautiful post, as always Jennie. I hope these next 3 weeks pass peacefully and unremarkably and you can enjoy holding your Rainbow Baby in your arms as a new mum again. Much love to you xxx
Glad you’re able to sleep in your room again; David looks like an amazing carpenter (I loved your post on the beds he made for E and W’s room). Hope the rest of the time is slightly easier…although quite hard in this heat, isn’t it? xx
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