Being pregnant after pregnancy loss and losing a baby
You promise yourself you will not complain
Being pregnant after fertility troubles and treatment
You promise yourself that you will make the most of every moment
But as I sit here fighting back tears of pain
And battling with my mixed emotions
I need an outlet
And this has to be it
Today I am 38+4 days pregnant with our very precious Rainbow Baby
And I am not enjoying being pregnant at all
Exactly one week ago
My body started swelling with oedema
A middle of the night trip to Triage
Diagnosed severe oedema but ruled out anything more serious
I was sent home with a happy baby bump
And a sense of relief that all was okay
But this past week has been so painful and so debilitating
It is all I can do to fight back tears and not collapse in a heap and cry
My feet, ankles and legs are so swollen
My face is swollen when I wake in the mornings
I do not recognise myself to look at
And I am in so much pain
My circulation is compromised by the swelling
And by the middle of the afternoon
I am finding it hard to walk without stabbing cramps
And shooting pains
Pain that makes me shout out
And cause David to come running to find out what is wrong
I believe that Rainbow Baby is a big baby
And I am only a tiny lady
And I think my body is really struggling with the extra weight
With the extra pressure
And with the extreme heat
I am really struggling to get anything done
And watching David rush round doing all that needs doing
Just all seems so unfair
Today he washed and cleaned the cars inside and out
Ready to bring our new arrival home
I am frustrated at my increasing lack of ability to get anything done!
I know that some of this is just usual for this stage of pregnancy
But it is also fear rising inside me
As birth comes closer
And as holding a baby in my arms again becomes more of a possibility
I am terrified I will not love our baby
I am frightened I will love her too much
I am scared I will not feel anything at all
I am worried that these thoughts will consume me
And prevent me from actively giving birth
And in saying all of that
I just want her to come now
I want to know that the birth is okay
That she will get here safely
And that we will be able to bring our Rainbow Baby home
She still does not have a name
And that is stressing me out
Again I am sure a natural worry for this stage
I am seeing the midwife each week now
But it is hard to explain to her
How I feel
It is hard to explain to anyone
Because I really do not want to complain
I know how very lucky that I am
To be so close to meeting our baby girl
But the physical pain and the emotional confusion
And the unrelenting heat of each day
Is making the last weeks of this pregnancy a struggle
I am so sorry if I sound ungrateful
I really do not mean to complain
But I am struggling
I know that the end is in sight
And I know that every pain and discomfort will be worth it
Will be forgotten when our baby girl is in our arms
At the moment I am taking every symptom as a sign
That labour must be near
And of course it never is
She will come when she is ready
I hope that time will be soon
The 39th week has been a troublesome week
As my now 4 year old twins would say
Please come soon little Rainbow Baby
Please come safely and healthily and soon
Whilst I know what it is like to be pregnant with a rainbow baby and to break all the promises you made to yourself about not complaining, I won’t pretend to understand how you are feeling because I can’t. Because of your losses those promises must have felt so much more. Pregnancy IS hard. It’s physically and emotionally draining in so many ways. Come on rainbow baby! x
Hey lovely, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time, but you are allowed to grumble! Especially when you feel rubbish and the weather is hot – you’re only human! As for love, you will love her as you love E & W and MM too xx
Won’t be much longer, I hope the pain eases for you
Hi Jennie I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. One thing I do know is that you can only feel this much pain when you feel this much love. With my beautiful girl s baby due in 3 weeks my emotions are all over the place so I totally feel for you.
Take care Tracyx
Oh Jennie, the final weeks of pregnancy can be quite miserable, but especially in this heat it must be tough. Hold on to the strength that has got you this far and remember that this pregnancy will be over soon, Rainbow baby will be here, safe in your arms and you will be in the next chapter. That’s all this is, a new chapter in your book. You are still writing your book, there is still so much to be written.
Thinking of you and hoping that labour comes soon and that it’s a positive start to the new chapter and everything you hope it will be xx
You don’t sound ungrateful at all Jennie. I can imagine that you must be feeling extremely bad to have a grumble as I know you would not normally. I have been thinking of you SO much this week as it’s been just so unbearably hot. I have been struggling in the heat myself, never mind carrying a little person and with the swelling. I suffered with oedema when I was pregnant first time with MC – not as bad as you – just my feet, ankles and legs really but it was awful so I cannot being to imagine the pain and discomfort you are feeling right now. I know it’s hard to see David running around getting everything ready but you must try and rest as much as possible before rainbow baby makes her way into the world. Sending you much love, always xx
Oh lovely Jennie you do not sound ungrateful one little bit. I know how much this baby has been longed for and I have no doubt that you love her very much already.After all that you’ve been through, the final stages are not going to be easy at all. And you are coping with so much more besides. I really hope this is the week for you. Remember Matilda’s birth, how wonderful it was. She will be watching over you both. I know you can do it x x x x x x
Hi Jenny
Well, it is a bit cooler here tonight, I hope it is where you are. E & W got to have their birthday with you there, so that is a bonus. Four already. Where does the time go?
I have no solutions for you. I too am suffering in the heat and its horrid. I can remember being pregnant with my second in 1992, that was a hot summer, and he was overdue, he should have been here early August but in the end arrived on 24th – only after I lost my temper with the Consultant! It must be so much worse for you, but I do believe that big babies can make for an easier delivery. They seem to be able to help themselves somehow. I am sure you will be looked after very carefully.
As you say, most of these are normal worries. I think the baby’s name will suggest itself. and you will have time before you register her anyway.
As you also say, this baby will come when she is ready and not before, so make the most of it. David won’t mind running around, it is something he can do, rather than sit and watch you suffer. Grab any offers of help with both hands, and relax as much as you are able to. It won’t be easy, it never is. I am sure before too long we will be reading that you have gone into hospital and have been safely delivered of a gorgeous baby girl, who has a personality all of her own, and who has you all under her spell.
Take care,
Hilary
Jennie you do not sound ungrateful at all, you sound like a normal pregnant lady who has just simply had enough of not having her body just for her, I felt a bit locked in, in the final stages of pregnancy, I think our bodies just reach their emotional and physical end. I can’t imagine how unbearable it must be in this heat after having both boys in winter.
Don’t worry about not having a name, Sam was nameless for a day-it’s a big decision and I am sure something will come to you once she is here, something will just fit and suit. I hope she comes soon and that the birth will be a positive one for you, I am sure Matilda will be watching over you all xxx
Hard to know what to say other than that everything you are saying makes total sense and please don’t beat yourself for any of it – the mixture of emotions you are feeling is completely understandable as is the physical discomfort. Hopefully it won’t be long now until your Rainbow Baby is here and you will hold her in your arms. Thinking of you and sending love xxx
I don’t think you’re complaining or in any way being ungrateful; pregnancy is hard work – we’re growing another person – and to acknowledge that it’s hard doesn’t mean that you don’t think it’s worth it, or that you aren’t thankful for the chance to experience the hard work. And right now it sounds like you’re having a tough time of it, so I shall hope for slightly cooler weather and hopefully a little less puffiness all round.
Could you get an air conditioning unit? Was my saviour during a summer 3rd trimester, and also great for keeping bedrooms a good temperature for baby when she arrives.
Baby will have all the love .
The love is just there xx
Just a thought of a lovely name, a friend has just named her baby girl sunshine, sunny for short thought of your rainbow baby when I heard the name x