36 months ago I found out I was pregnant
My period had been due around Esther and William’s first birthday
But it did not come
I had some pregnancy tests in a drawer
I had lots left over from years of IVF
I peed on a stick thinking nothing of it
But there it was
The tell tale blue line
Pregnant
With our miracle baby
Our daughter Matilda Mae
27 months ago
Exactly on one of her three due dates
Matilda Mae was born
Contractions started at 10.30pm
We went to hospital at half past five
At 10.25am our beautiful daughter was in my arms
And I will always be proud that we were home in time for tea
To introduce Baby Tiger
To her older twin siblings
Month of Mae
18 months ago
2nd February 2013
Baby Tilda died
She went to sleep as she always did
Only this time she never woke up
SIDS
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
When a perfectly healthy baby, for no apparent reason, just dies
18 months ago
My world fell apart
And I still have no idea how to even begin
Putting the pieces back together again
Life is going on
There are smiles and laughter and tears
But there is not a moment
Not one moment
That my chest does not feel heavy
And I do not feel guilty for being alive
Time is a healer in many things
But not when your baby dies
For everyday is a reminder of the beautiful baby you lost
And everything that she, that we, should be now
When a baby dies
So does all her potential
So does a large part of her mother
And it cannot be reborn
In the dappled sunlight
9 months ago
We walked in our wellies
In memory of Matilda Mae
On that day I had my period
From that day my pregnancy is dated
This pregnancy
Creating our Rainbow Baby
A baby sibling for Esther, William and Matilda Mae
Making me 40 weeks today
Another 9
Another 2nd
Another break in my heart
Another stone on my chest
When your baby is born]
You assume they are yours forever
To guard and protect
To nurture and help grow
You do not expect to lose them
Cremate them
Mourn them
Outlive them
You do not expect to have to say goodbye
Nothing can prepare you for that
Nothing can make life better
Once a baby is gone
It has been 18 months
18 long months
And yet no time at all
18 months
And I am still lost
Still longing
Still losing
Still hurting so badly
Still loving my baby
Our beautiful baby
Our daughter Matilda Mae
So so sad. I have been thinking of you all day, while others walked and jumped out of the sky in her memory. Wishing you strength and love for the days ahead.
Sending love and hugs, Jennie. This week marked four months since my Hugo left us. I completely understand what you mean about the passage of time seeming ages, and yet no time at all. It’s been lovely to see what people have been doing for Matilda Mae today xxx
There was an absolutely beautiful, absolutely perfect pink sky as I drove back into London tonight and I thought of you and Matilda. I tried to take a photo but it didn’t capture the beauty of it xx
Been thinking of you all day. Wishing I could do more, that I could say something, say anything that might help you through today.
Jennie We remembered Matilda Mae today, and I just wanted to hug you.
Beautiful yet heart breaking post they are really gorgeous photos, thinking of you and your family. xx
P.S lovely bump shot too, especially with the pink sky in the background too xx
Heartbreaking post and I know in reality for you that your heart is broken. I don’t know how you find the strength but I know you must so you do. Thinking of you and hoping little rainbow baby brings you even more strength to live each day xxx
I to have been thinking of you all today.
Matilda Mae is never far from my thoughts and neither are you Jennie xx
You share your truth so beautifully Jennie.
Hoping you know I wish you well and especially in the adventure ahead.
Thinking of you so much
We blew bubbles in the garden for Matilda on this afternoon and I thought of you all day. Sending you all much love as always x x x
I’ve been away on holiday but I have been thinking of you a lot as you approach your due date. You are always in my prayers Jennie. Much love xxx
We are at coombe mill now, and have seen the MM plaque, and have held your daughter and your family in our thoughts and prayers. Best wishes
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