I am at the stage of having a newborn
Where I am frustrated at being able to get nothing done
Feeding on demand is demanding
Physically and emotionally
Unintentionally you can feel isolated from the rest of your family
As you find yourself alone with a baby who cannot settle
You sit feeding
Listening to the laughter of your other children
As they play in the sunshine with Daddy
They are all oblivious to the fact
That you cannot safely walk from one room to the next in our house
Such is the chaos and the mess
I sit trapped
Baby to breast
My mind is racing
With all I need to do
All that needs to be done
My head is filled with jobs
Cleaning, sorting, organising
My heart is breaking
I can never be as much fun as Daddy
Now I come with baby too
I think of all I want to do
I yearn for all I’m missing
I have no clue
How to do
What I think I want and need to do
I am ravaged with guilt
For feeling any of these things
This tiny much loved baby needs me
This is how it is supposed to be
But my older children are forgetting me
The mummy that I used to be
Before cot death and pregnancy
So there is sadness
Feelings of frustration?
Cold isolaton
And feeling so alone?
Because I cannot be
All the things I am supposed to be
To the children
Here and in heaven
I love with all my heart
Because I cannot do anything well enough
Nothing seems quite good enough
And I cannot accept
That this is how it has to be
Of one thing I am absolutely certain and that is that you are being everything you are supposed to be, everything all of your lovely children need and want you to be and then some. I think that when you are the be all and end all of a newborn’s existence it is easy to remember the moments when you had a little autonomy rather fondly but this too shall pass, and the house will still be there to be tidied!
Oh Jennie, my lovely. I just want to reach out to you and give you a great big hug.
It felt as though I had written those exact words, and it was only a few weeks ago I was feeling those exact same feelings.
I had tremendous guilt; guilt about taking little one out of nursery now that I was home with our new baby, feeling like I didn’t have time for him still being so young at 2 years old and neglecting the eldest (whose 9), thinking I couldn’t cope with having a third, not getting things done.
It was frustrating. Just not being able to have some sort of control.
My hormones were all over the place, but speaking to others who have 3 or more, and knowing whole-heartedly it was normal to feel this way, but feeling wretched at the same time, just pure guilt was just pour over me, and it was overwhelming at times.
Night-time feeds are very isolating, when your alone (but not alone) feeding the baby, you get that time to think, and it just feels very lonely, but it is that time, that quiet time that you do have and of course you’re not alone as baby is right there with you, the comfort, the contact, their unbelievable need for you, there is nothing like it, and it’s such a wonderful feeling.
Fast forward to 12 weeks later, and baby is more settled, little one is quite content being at home and for the first time I get to have that time at home with the children that I’ve never been given the chance to before (I’m off of work now for over 2 years) (and now have him going to preschool one day a week so he can get that much needed interaction) and the oldest will be going back to school next week – it will give me a chance to have my ‘alone’ time with baby, which I think I need to just be ‘us’.
You will do brilliantly (we as mothers do!) how we cope sometimes is miraculous, but we do it! Housework isn’t perfect, and feeling like we have a million and one things to do (let alone remember) can be cumbersome at times, but nonetheless we get through it.
That rainbow will always be there, with it’s vivid, transfixing colours. Those stars that shine bright will shine brighter every time you look up to the sky, and one day, that time will come when you’ll be ok with the world. It won’t be perfect, but it’s near enough perfect and that to me is more than good enough right now!
I can’t take away your guilt Jennie, but know that we all share that guilt as mother’s every day in some small way or another, that’s what makes us human.
Sending all my love and hugs.
Aww Hun, it passes so quickly. Soon Daddy will be busy and you will be doing all the things you love to do again. I hated this season too but it is just for a season. Just remember you are doing the best thing for them all at the moment. You’re feeding little Bea, getting her big, strong, full of great immunities ready to play with her older siblings when she is ready. You are getting her ready. You’re exactly where you are supposed to be and they will treasure the time they got to have with Daddy too whilst Mummy was looking after Bea 🙂 you’re a superstar
Aw sending big hugs Hun, I remember the stuck, itchy feet feeling you can get when readjusting to life with a newborn! I’m also finding that as little Roo gets older, and becomes more independent that the bond we share is changing too x
You are so loving x
hugs
It is so hard with a newborn when you have older children too isn’t it, and then once little one is settled it can be so hard to have the energy to do much either! It will get a easier though, and I am sure the twins understand you have your hands full at the moment and still love you just as much 🙂 xx