On my 8th day of tooth pain
At the end of a busy week of medical appointments
And an unsettled Bea
I am feeling completely over the fourth trimester
I am having a bad mummy day
I am over breastfeeding today
Soaked with milk where pads were ill positioned
Sore nipples from constant feeding
Distracted restless baby badly latched
So leather sofa covered in milk spray and splatters
Numb hips from cosleeping
Sleeping on my side
No covers
Keeping Bea cocooned
So she can sleep safe
Baby sleeping through while my sleep is broken
And I am knackered
I do not often use that word
But t oday it is how I feel
My arms and back aching
From constant cradling
Constantly craving
To pee alone
Baby so dependent
I do literally nothing
Without her being there
And I say it doesn’t matter
I want to cherish each precious moment
Make the most of the fourth trimester
But today I care!
I care that I am not doing my bit round the house
I care that my bottom is getting fat
I care that I cannot play
With Esther and William as much as I would like
Today I care
I care that I am falling behind with my blog
That the washing pile is out of control
I care that some days I forget to eat
I care that days and weeks are speeding by
I care but I shouldn’t care
I am cross that I care about any of it
That I am not the mummy I long to be
Calm and caring and yet carefree
I am not that mummy that can do it all
Most days I don’t brush my hair
I cannot remember when I last looked nice
Or felt confident within myself
But I have no right to moan and complain
I chose to have a baby
I chose to feed
I choose to have her sleep with me
And there is more than that
It is more than that
I have a baby who died
How dare I be so ungrateful!
I should have no reason to scream and cry
Every minute should be cherished with Bea
Every milestone a blessing to be counted
And it is
They are
And they do
But today I care
Today I mind
Today I feel this is not enough
Today I am having a bad mummy day
Today I long to be me
Jennie, you have every reason to scream and cry – more reason than anyone I know. You shouldn’t feel guilty that you want some time for yourself. You have given yourself completely to Bea and that’s a big thing. A newborn is demanding enough when you have nothing else to worry about but added to that the death of Matilda Mae, the fact Esther and William have started school, your blogging and everything else then it’s bound to be a lot to cope with. Please don’t feel bad and don’t ever think you are a bad mummy. I am being completely honest when I say that you are the best mummy I know – you give yourself completely to your children. All 4 of them. You are amazing, remember that xx
I think that means you are completely normal. 🙂
Sending massive hugs and love your way!
Please don’t feel guilty for wanting a little time to yourself but do remember to eat! Please!
You are not a bad mummy! xxxx
Ahhhh, lady, enough of this Bad Mummy bollocks! I held Bea for about one hour total on Tuesday and my back is still killing me because I kept leaning back to keep her sleeping! ONE hour versus three months of all day every day!! Parenting of ANY baby is exhausting and intense physically and emotionally and even rainbow babies are exhausting as they are a blessing! You definitely need to find a tiny release to be just you somehow… It’s a need not a luxury! P.S. I think your bottom is just lovely and not fat at all. I was envious of it the other day as running around after my boys has left me curveless. You are just as scrumptious as Bea, but maybe you need a treat to be able to feel it. Big hugs. Xxxx
Heather & Antonia have said everything I would have written here! You are an amazing mummy to all 4 of your children. You do more, you are more than anyone could and should ever ask for. You are beautiful, your bottom is far from fat, and quite frankly it’s normal for any honest mum to a new baby not to know where a hairbrush is most of the time! I know it’s hard, but please try not to be so hard on yourself. I am and always will be here for you. X x x
It’s been said already but you are an amazing mummy to all four of your children. If I was half the mummy you are to my son I would be pleased. If you ever want an ear to chat let me know. Big kisses for Bea xxx
I am having a bad day today too. I am struggling to do anything useful because my back is so bad, I feel sick and I’m so tired. My washing pile is out of control, my blog is badly neglected and I am a horrible grumpy mummy because it hurts when anyone touches me and I can’t do anything fun. I chose to get pregnant again. I should be happy. I feel guilty that I’m not. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my baby and can’t wait to meet him. But I am horrible to live with, I am totally consumed with worry and stress and guilt and I can’t see a way out. You are not alone. Please don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you do. You are doing far better than you think you are but it’s so so hard sometimes. Sending you lots of love for another difficult Saturday. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you xxxx
Through your blog, you have become my role model when it comes to mothering! But we are all only human and all new mums have had days (or weeks) like this. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, everyone needs some to recharge sometimes. Jx
Sending hugs! Feel your angst with pride, it means you are giving yourself completely and that makes you a terrific mother xx
It is impossible to be the perfect parent, yet I think that bereaved parents often judge themselves far too harshly.
I have often found myself wanting to be the perfect parent, almost to prove that I didn’t deserve for Sofia to die.
You are a wonderful mother, but you have to take care of yourself to be able to offer the best to your children xxx
I think what I am saying is try to be as kind to yourself as you can xxx
You are a great mum! Doing a great job. Reading your post makes me sad you feel guilty and inadequate. You are an inspiration.
Your worrying about it all makes you the loving, caring mummy that you are, Jennie. You are a role model to so many, don’t be hard on yourself. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have one of those days once in a while.
Do you know, I am not sure that carefree Mummy exists in real life! Real life has so many demands on us that every now and again we just need to remind ourselves that we are doing the best we can, that we have run out of hours in the day to do any more.
And wanted to feel like you is perfectly ok 🙂 xxxx
Oh Jennie lovely, be kind to yourself – that carefree mummy doesn’t exist. We’re all human, and you have a right to feel any way you feel. Hope you are better soon because tooth pain will be the last thing you need. Love to all of you xxx
Jennie you are far from a bad mummy, the things you do with your little ones are fab! I don’t manage to achieve anything near what you do in a day, im currently laid on my sofa feeling sorry for myself and missing my little boy. I don’t have the energy to move after yet another dreadful nights sleep broken by reliving losing him 24 weeks ago.
I had a shower this morning, something I always did everyday, now its too much effort! And as for brushing my hair, well thats why scrunchies were invented. You are doing great, you’re dealing with the worst pain ever and most days you’re winning. At the minute most days I’m losing, i hope when my baby arrives things will improve and I’ll be able to motivate myself for baby. I’m pretty sure I’ll still have bad days like you, but can you really expect anything else? X
Sorry you’re having a hard time, you are a good teacher but if working is making you this unhappy maybe you could have some time out until you feel it’s a more practical time for you all. It won’t make you any less a person to backtrack. I went back to work too soon and gave it up until Hugo and Daisy were both at junior school and we were all better for it. Especially my relationship with Nick.