Some Things Are Impossible

I look in the mirror

And I do not recognise who I see

A drawn face

Strained

No sparkle to the eyes

It is my reflection

A picture of me

As the world sees me

Someone I am certain

I no longer know

Every day is a battle

I no longer jump out of bed

With energy and enthusiasm

Hunger for the day ahead

My nights are broken

Not by the beautiful baby

Lay sleeping in my arms

But the persistent nightmares that plague me

Haunt me

And chase away my dreams

As the Earth spins on its axis

Days become nights

And weeks so quickly turn into months

The world is always turning

People always moving

Moving on

I watch them

The people

Travelling their journeys

I witness their frustrations, their pain and their fear

I see them laughing, smiling, loving people dear

I feel I have lost my old self

Yet I am not someone new

I feel like I am drowning

With no strength or motivation

To fight

Survive

I feel like life is busy around me

Going on without me

I am stuck in a hole

And passers by no longer see me

I am stuck in a deep dark hole

With no one to help me out

I feel like I am under a cloud

Some days I feel I should dance in the rain

Is that what people expect of me now?

I have had my time of sadness

I should come on in out of the rain

My storm is never going to pass

I should learn to splash in the puddles

Snap out of it!

I hear them say

Perhaps it is not them

Perhaps it is me

Desperate to be a better wife

A better mother

A better friend

I have been a terrible friend

Because even now

Most days it is all I can do

To be this shadow of me

This shade of the person

Wife, mother, friend

I long to be

Where has my confidence gone?

Where is my laughter?

Where is my energy?

My motivation, my desire?

I am losing my battle with grief

I am not even sure I know how to fight it anymore

Or if it is worth it

I have no idea where to go from here

Or how to get out of this hole

impossible

Some things are impossible

Some things just are

14 thoughts on “Some Things Are Impossible

  1. Oh jennie, I.wish I could make it better. More so I wish I could bring back matilda mae.

    There is no right way to feel or behave. I hope you are getting time to meet a counsellor to help with these feelings.

    xx

  2. Remember when you look in the mirror, that the reflection you see is NOT what I see when I look at you. You should know that you’re doing so much better than we all expect, carrying the enormous weight on your shoulders of all you’ve been through the last 5 years AND with the tiredness of mothering a new baby, which frankly makes having any control over your mood and mental state impossible! And anyway, what do others’ expectations matter, really? It’s your expectations that are important… What expectations are you placing on yourself that might not be for your own highest good? 😉 Love You xxxxx P.S. Tilda spoke to me through little signs so many times today… x

  3. Oh Jennie – I wish I could take away some of your pain. Please don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I wish I could word things better and wish I could do something to help you. xx

  4. Some things just are. For very different reasons, I feel much the same way as you. Two miscarriages, 8 years of trying and we couldn’t take anymore. Last Saturday I moved in on my own. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror anymore, I don’t know where the old me went and I haven’t found a new me. I too have been a terrible friend, and now I find myself alone in this house and no one has visited except my Mother and I’ve only myself to blame for that, I suppose. I wish I’d been a better me. I always thought anything was possible, I’ve now realised it’s not. Sorry I don’t have anything useful to say but Thank you for this post, you put things into words so much better than I can x

  5. You sound so defeated. I wish I knew you in real life so that this post could spur me into some kind of action. I hope that those around you feel as I felt reading it – that this wonderful lady has been so battered, and now needs others to pick her up a bit in some way.

    Nobody and nothing can ever make it better, Jennie, but it sounds like you need a little more help with putting one foot in front of another right now. William, Esther and Bea need you, and they don’t see anything that you see, or how you feel. They just see Mummy -.the sun their little worlds revolve around. It’s a tremendous motivator – the best one you will ever find, but it’s also a terrifying responsibility. Don’t be afraid to ask those around you for help if you need it right now – husbands, friends, doctors, health visitors, counsellors. Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others with theirs.

  6. Small steps Jennie. You are grieving. Give yourself a break.
    PS I think that YOU look amazing! And I saw you the other day so I should know.
    PS remember with or without grief, kids age you 😉 xxx

  7. those who care about you and love you will never tell you to snap out of it. You will never stopping matilda, just as no mother with children who did not die would ever stop loving them. I know you put lots of pressure on yourself to be who you think you should be but nobody else really knows what that should be either. It really is enough to be you!
    X x x

  8. The energy is heavy at present. Don’t necessarily think you are a shadow of yourself or that you are not coping. You may just be a sponge. Soaking up everything. Put your boundaries back. Every day seal and protect your aura. Imagine yourself surrounded in peace, in love, in white light, and Christ. Put your first 2 fingers 2 fingerwidths below your belly button. Press gently down, and inhale into your tummy so you push those fingers out. As you inhale draw in strength and as you exhale, let go of everything that no longer serves you. You are strong you are divine, you just need to reclaim your power.
    Lots of love, L xx

  9. Jennie,
    I’ve been reading your blog and following your life for a long while. Although I have not experienced the loss of a child, I can’t help but think that Tilda would be sad to know how grieved you are. You were blessed to have her and experience all the joy that she was and still is because she lives in your heart and your soul. Others post that you shouldn’t expect to much of yourself and it’s okay to feel the way you are, but I read the words of a woman who desperately wants to be anything but the way she is now. Someone else posted that you should put on your oxygen mask first and they’re right. You cannot take care of your family unless you’re taking care of yourself first. If you’re seeing a counselor that’s the first step; if you’re not, please talk with a professional. You have so many people rooting and praying for you and we’ll continue to listen. Please know that I’m writing this for a woman I’ve never met face to face, yet with love and concern for a stranger I consider a friend.

  10. Jennie,
    Do you follow Mitchell’s Journey on Facebook? He writes so beautifully and with so much emotion about grief and living following the loss of his little boy. You may find a tiny bit of comfort in his words. With love x

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