I am not sleeping very well
I keep having nightmares
I keep dreaming that Bea has died
When I wake up and look at her
I panic and think her face is all distorted
Puffed up and blue
I know that my mind is playing tricks on me
With Tilda’s anniversary coming up
I know
But the recurring imagery is terrifying me
Tilda was not puffed up or blue when I found her
She looked like a porcelain doll
She did not look scary at all
Like Bea looks in my night visions
It is horrible
And I am scared because I do not understand
Where the visual is coming from
Today I woke at 4am
I was so scared
Bea woke at 4.30am
I do not think I woke her
But perhaps I did
To reassure myself she was alive
I do not think I woke her
She is just at that stage
As Tilda was at a similar age
Of getting up for a nappy change and a play
In the earliest hours of the morning
I love Bea so much
I have not written much about her lately
But she is beautiful
And so much like Tilda in so many ways
She also has her own ways
And her own strength of character
Bea will be 5 months old tomorrow
She is sitting as Tilda was
And is full of love
Tilda’s anniversary is less than a month away
I am not sure I can bear having this nightmare
Every time I sleep until then
I wonder if I should stop sleeping with Bea
Perhaps the dreams are a message
But if Bea is to die
I cannot let her die alone in her cot
As Tilda did
I wish the dreams would go away
I wish I could grieve for Tilda
And be with Beatrice Hope
And not let the two get muddled in my mind
I hate the dreams
I do not want to see Bea die
Even in my dreams
I am trying so hard to live in the daylight
By night
Grief is chasing me to the very corners of my mind!
I have no advice or suggestions, but I hope it gets easier soon. Xxx
Thinking of you xx
I’m so sorry Jennie. Is there anyway you could sleep with white noise on which might somehow intercept the brainwaves that are causing your nightmares? I love to sleep with the sound of the waves on my phone with this app called ‘Calm’ because I am a bit of an insomniac and find it hard to get to sleep at night. I wonder if some background noise like that could influence your subconsious enough while you’re sleeping to get you some dream free nights? Love and hugs xxx
thinking of you xxx
I want to write something as your words just struck me but I don’t have such a way with words like you do. So I’m sending love & light & wishing you some peace X x you are so incredible for each day continuing to be mummy to your beautiful children. Your stronger than you know xx
I can’t imagine how awful this must be for you. You are doing so well Jennie. We all see it, how far you have come and the strength you have. The love for your four children shines from you. I wish I could help to ease your pain. Just know I’m thinking of you and wishing I could give you a hug.
im so sorry you’re suffering with nightmRes, I know from experience how awful it is. Have you thought about more counselling, for both bereavement and for PTSD? The nightmares and flashbacks returning might be a sign that extra support could help you x x x
I couldn’t read without telling you that this is how my PND manifested. I have no history of loss, but would wake every night and either go looking around the house for my baby, in a confused state (he was in the crib next to me, but I would be sure he was gone), or be convinced he was dead, and wake him. You’re not alone, it made me never want to sleep.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Jenny. I am sorry you are going through this. You’ve had to do so much being strong for Bea and the others it must be the minds way of letting out the grief.
I hope it subsides soon. Will pray for you sweetheart xx
“if Bea is going to die…” Bea is not going to die! … well not till she’s at least 100 years old. Please repeat over and over again, till your subconscious gets the message and stops messing with you.
Hugs to you.
(I remember waking up at that 4-5 months mark often drenched, disorientated and distressed. I put it done to hormonal changes and sleep deprivation catching up in my case. )
Thinking and praying for you at this time Jennie that you will sleep in peace and dream of lovely things. Leaping through spring meadows, flying through the clouds. I am so sorry you are going through this and I am unable to help but I will pray for you. My baby boy has nightmares, I have no idea what of as he is too young to tell me other than they may be of purple minions or monsters from monsters inc. he sleeps much better since I started praying for him (and his teddy) every night. I will now pray for you each night too xx it’s not much but it’s what I can do xx