She should be at preschool
My beautiful baby girl
Running along on her chubby legs
Chunky rainbow tights
Bunches in her hair
She should be talking ten to the dozen
Telling us the ins and outs of her days
She would be a storyteller
A drama queen
A lover of books
Of words and pictures
There should be one more mouth to feed here
One more squidgy warm soul snuggled under the blanket on the sofa
One more turn to be taken in all of our family games
There should be a gorgeous girly bedroom upstairs
Floral teepee and rocking horse
So much could have been
So many should have beens
Our baby girl is gone
I am still hurting
The pain is overwhelming and physical
It strikes at different times
But it never faulters
It wounds me afresh every day
Every day a new cut, punch, scar
For the things that Matilda should be
For the beauty that she will never see
Our baby girl is gone
The anger bubbles in me
It never subsides
It escapes when I do not mean it too
I am not angry at you
I do not resent you
I am not jealous of you
And yet I am
I am angry at all of you
I hate you all
I resent you all
And envy your innocent happiness
I cannot stand that you can go on
Without the grief and fear that haunts my life
The death that over shadows my life
Our baby girl has gone
It has left me bitter
Twisted
Unsympathetic
Unable to share in the joy of others
For their joy
My own joy
Just brings more pain
A never ending world of pain
I would not wish on my worst enemy
What has happened to me
There is no word for a bereaved parent
No scholar or wise man can think of a word
To label this indescribable, unending torture, anguish and pain
Our baby girl is gone
And yes I have other children
I have another baby in my arms
But not that one
Never that one
I will never hold that baby in my arms again
And every kiss and cuddle and accomplishment of my living children
Reminds me of all I have lost in the daughter who has died
My loss
Our loss
Her loss
Our baby girl is gone
Our baby girl is gone
Our baby girl is gone
photo by Matt Lathan
There are no words but sending a virtual hug xx
Oh Jennie all the other babies in the children in the world cannot replace Tilda who you have lost. It bugs me when people ask me whether I am going to try for more babies – I tend to sense an inference that another baby would be a replacement for Hugo. Even if I had 100 more babies, I will always want Hugo back.
I completely understand what you say about not being angry or resentful, but also being angry and resentful too. The life of a bereaved parent is full of anguish and torture and pain.
Sending you love from one broken hearted mummy to another xxx
I hate this about grief – it is one thing that although it can perhaps be eased cannot be fixed. Really felt the loss of my Dad this week through daft things like a guy on Deal or No Deal who said “Now then” in a Yorkshire accent, because my best friend from school’s parents are celebrating their Golden Wedding Anniversary this weekend and I wanted to scream that they should make the most of it as my parents had it but never quite made the 60th by just a few short months. And none of this is relevant to you really except to say I get grief. I am blessed in that I have not experienced baby loss and if hating such as me helps, you go ahead because frankly I would be the same. Thinking of you and yours Jennie, all of yours.
I have no words, yours are perfect x
You always write so beautifully, even through grief. I understand the pain you feel from loss, losing my dad and several unborn children but never a child I had gotten to know, to cuddle, to bond with. It’s a different kind of grief I’m sure and the type that is the hardest to go through. You are a strong lady and Matilda will always be with you in spirit. Losing my dad when I was pregnant with Megan has been the hardest loss for me, so sad that she never got to meet her grandad and even now nearly 12 years on there isn’t a day that I don’t my miss him only now I can think happy thoughts about him and am able to look at his picture and smile instead of cry, even though it does still hurt. I am rambling, sorry! I really just wanted you to know I am thinking of you. I am doing the jump again this year, even though it scared the living daylights out of me 😉 xx
Thinking of you Jenni, as always. Your words are so beautiful and poignant. No child can ever replace the one you’ve lost. I don’t want to write too much, I don’t have any words that can help you or make you feel better. I just want you to know you are in my mind and I think of Tilda all the time and always have done. Even though I never knew her, or you personally, I’ll never forget your beautiful lady. Lots of love xxx
I can’t believe its been two years. I will always remember your gorgeous Tilda and be thankful that I got to meet her. Such a beautiful little lady xxx
Thinking of you Jennie, such gorgeous words xx
You write so beautifully Jennie. I still think of you and Baby Tilda every day. x
Your posts always bring tears to my eyes. I have not had your loss (thank goodness) and I can only imagine your pain. Bless you and your family, know that Tilda will forever be in your hearts and minds. Keep strong, you are doing wonderfully x x
There are no words that would be worthy, xxxx
Oh Jennie, thinking of you all so much XX
Thinking of you all, and sending all of our love. I’m so, so sorry.
Thinking of you so much today Jennie and family x
Thinking of you all Jennie. X
Thinking of you and your family. With Love xx
Thinking of you xxx
Sending much love. You’ve done her so proud these last few years. She will always be in your hearts, inspiring you. C x
I’m a mum, I know.
Thinking of you always Jennie. And of course your lovely MM. Sending many hugs to you and the family.
Tash & Raffey (a jumping beans mummy) xxxxx
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