I find the best way to cope with Tilda days

Is to make them super special

The lead up to her birthday and anniversary

Is always going to be awful

There is no getting away from that

But if I spend time planning

Preparing

It helps

It really helps

Just like planning her funeral helped me after she died

Just like planning charity events got me through our first year without her

I am tired now

I am taking time for me and mine

But planning and preparation are still what gets me through

This year I planned gentle days for Tilda’s anniversary

A day at the sea with family on the Sunday

And a day for David and I on Monday

David, me and Little Bea

Next year I would like to make more of the family day

Based on the rather magical day David and I had together this year

We went to Broadstairs

It was lovely there

Beautiful

Peaceful

It was a glorious weather day

Cold and crisp

Everything gleamed and shone in the winter sun

We had coffee and cake on the terrace of The Royal Albion Hotel

Overlooking the English Channel

We sat in the brilliant sunshine

As it’s rays danced on the water like diamonds

Or starlight

We talked

We played with Bea

It was a wonderful way to start our day

So wonderful to be able to sit outside

Beneath the sky

Looking out at the sea

The perfect way to remember our little star

After our coffee and cake we walked

We did not know where we were going

What we were looking for

I only know that I would know it when we found it

And I did

Dumpton Bay

A slither of shiny beach

Lapped by dazzling waves

Not a mark

Not a footprint

Waiting to be filled with love and memories

Of our Matilda Mae

We walked the beach

Listened to the sea

Talked and walked

And wrote our daughter’s name in the sand

We left our footprints

Where perhaps one day hers should have been

After our quiet time

On this secret beach

We walked back along the shore

To Viking Bay

We sat in the harbour

And I fed Bea

She was such a delight on our special day

Revelling in the undivided attention of both her parents

There were some magical Bea moments

In our special Tilda day

It was like she was trying to punctuate our day

With her beauty and happiness

A true rainbow

Shining through the rain clouds

After the storm

Just for a moment

Shielding us from pain

Blinding us with her beauty

Being our incredibly precious Baby Bea

She shined her light

Along with Tilda’s

Channeling her sister in so many ways

Reflecting her character and her beauty

Being a wonderful addition to our family

Our day

Remembering Matilda Mae

We had a lovely lunch at Prezzo

It was good for David and I to talk

We remembered Tilda

But we talked about the future too

Our future

For us and our family

It was good to talk

It was good to laugh and smile and play

I felt good on our special Tilda day

I had planned not only what we would do

But what Bea and I would wear

Bea wore a starry dress from Baby Gap

And a vest saying Little Star

In the morning she played with a rainbow star balloon

While David and I were getting ready

I dressed in starlight from Fat Face

A beautiful skirt with glints of pink

And sparkles of purple

A glittering purple winter knit

I felt confident and good

As we honoured and remembered our baby girl

After lunch we went and sat on the beach

On a blanket

On the sand

In February

It was wonderful

Sitting together

Blowing bubble kisses to the sun

To our baby girl in the sky

After blowing bubbles

Across the sea to sky

We walked again along the shore

Talking all the while

Talking all the while

Before heading home

We had ice cream

In an ice cream parlour by the sea

Proper ice cream sundaes

At Morrellis

They were good!

As the sun began to set

And the moon appeared on the horizon

It was time to head for home

Where Granny was reading Esther and William The Faraway Tree

Bea was very unsettled in the car

She does not much like the car

Or the dark

I sat in the back with her

And held her hands as she cried herself to sleep

And for the first time that day

I cried too

For the chubby little fingers I can never hold again

We had a lovely day

But as the sun set

And the moon came out

The night was still to come

The nightmares were just beginning