It has been over two years
Since my baby went to sleep
And never woke up
It has been over two years
Many more babies have died since then
Many more mummies
With grief newer and more raw than mine
It has been over two years
She is not at the forefront of many minds anymore
But mine
She remains in my mind
It has been over two years
I am not raising money in the way that I was
Not shouting from the rooftops as loud as I was
But I am still screaming inside
Nothing has gone back to normal
I will never be normal again
I am broken
Far beyond healing
Beyond repair
It makes me so angry
When people do not acknowledge her
Or say Matilda’s name
I long to know
From real people in our lives
Do you remember her?
Do you think of her?
Do you ever for one moment think how hard our lives must be?
Do you have any clue what we have lived through?
Any idea of the physical pain it takes to get through each and every day
It has been over two years
I am still hurting
My arms are aching for my baby who died
My heart is breaking for the toddler who should be sleeping upstairs
My head is filled with what ifs and maybes and dreams of the girl
The woman she would have become
It has been two years and I feel trapped
Caught fast between the dead and the living
Wanting to run and chase and tickle
Wanting to laugh and play care free
Wanting to sit in a candle lit corner
Wanting to mourn and be lost in my grief
Wanting to live for her
Be better because of her
Scared to live without her
Too guilty to be
It has been over two years
The third birthdays are starting
We are counting down
To our visit to the sea
It has been over two years
I don’t know where I’m going
Or who or what I am supposed to be
It has been over two years
Her death still haunts me
The loss of her rocks me
Strikes to my core
It has been over two years
My family need me
We are just about held together
But we all need more
You do not know me. We have never met. I have never experienced anything even close to your pain. but I want you to know, I honestly think of Matilda every single day. Every single one. And I tell my friends about the amazing person who’s incredible blog I discovered not long after her beautiful daughter died. I share your story with many. I have cried more times than I can remember. Whenever I am in the garden I say hello to Matilda. My children blow bubbles, we all wave. I speak her name almost daily. But I promise you, from a woman, a mother, you have never met, I swear to you, I think of Matilda every single day.
I can’t believe it has been over two years. I want you to know, and I hope you do, that she is at the front of my mind a lot too. I am not doing as much as I did but I still care as much as always and still think of you lots.
x x x
I will never forget tilda. Still think about her and you every day, more than once… 2 years have flown by in some ways and so slowly in others ways.
I wish I could ease your pain just enough to make you want to live again x x x
I regularly think of you and your family too Jennie. I met you and your children briefly once, and then a few months later heard the awful news about MM. I can only imagine but cannot comprehend what life has been like since for you. I just wanted you to know your gorgeous Tilda is remembered a great deal by someone who met her once xxx
I think about you and your beautiful family everyday. Matilda Mae is always in my thoughts and always will be. Love to you all Jennie xx
Jennie, Matilda is still very much at the forefront of my mind and you know I will always acknowledge her name to you even though I never got to meet her. We had MC’s 6th birthday today and, as I watched the girls dancing, I thought of Matilda often and how she never got to celebrate a birthday. Please know that even when you think I’m not about because I am busy, Matilda is always in my mind and my heart. Sending you love xx
Thinking of you always and beautiful Matilda Mae. Can’t imagine your pain and your confusion about how to carry on without her. I wish I had the answer but I just don’t know. I am so sorry xx
I think of Matilda every day as I glimpse her smile in the photo I have up of her and the twins. I’ll never ever forget her xx
Jennie I think about you and Tilda every day. I talk about you a lot – I realised how much when I noticed that my friends have started asking after you regularly. I wish I knew what to say. I just want you to know that I care about you very much xxxx
Jennie I just wanted to tell you, like I have said so many times on here before, that Matilda Mae changed me as a Mummy. I think of her and you most days, still. I want you to know that. No one will ever forget your beautiful girl. Long after I have stopped blogging and the blog world is just a distant memory, I will always remember her and you. xx
I feel the same as Katie, we all think of you and Matilda all the time, she will never be forgotten, thinking of you and sending so much love xx
I read a quote this morning Jennie I thought you might like: “No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear”. It’s by C.S.Lewis. Grief changes us utterly. I too fear people will forget Hugo. I am scared of being without him, try to be brave and seize the day but there is constant anxiety because I know bad things happen. I think of you and your beautiful Matilda Mae often. I like to think she and Hugo are friends, along with all the other babies, playing together xxxx
I often think there are no words, but you seem to find the right ones. xx
I think of Matilda every single night. Every night i check on my little one before i go to bed, and every single time i think of Matilda. And then i think of you and wonder how you are tonight. Like many others I’ve never met you and probably never will, But I’ll always think of you. We have a dolly named Matilda, And one day when my girl is old enough I’ll tell her who she’s named after, And then she’ll remember Matilda. Know that every day, I’m thinking of you and Matilda. Somewhere, someone is always thinking of her. She is very much alive in memory, and has proven to be a reminder for mummies world wide to hold their littles a bit closer and enjoy the moments a bit longer. I’m sorry it’s been at the expense of your kids, But know that she, And you are a great source of inspiration and love.
Rebecca
Oh Jennie, I can’t for one moment imagine. But I too think of you and Matilda every day. I’m like Katie, I feel like you both have changed me as a mummy. Keep writing beautiful, Matilda’s star is always shining xxx
I ran 5k for Matilda Mae last week, for a rainbow medal from your friend Hayley who is doing 24 events in 24 months. I run next to the sea and think of MM often. She will never be forgotten.