On My Own

Darkness has been falling here

Since the sun came up

Probably before that in reality

But the shadows became more menacing

With the rising of the sun

The light has shut down

I cannot see clearly

Nothing seems quite right

Everything feels broken

It is one of those days

That sneaks up on you

And takes your breath away

It is one of those days

When I feel it is time to admit

I cannot do this

I can’t do this

I don’t want to do this

Without Matilda Mae

I feel like no one is listening

And if they are trying to listen they cannot hear

I feel so alone

So on my own

I am so tired of getting on like everything is okay

Because every day is costing me dearly

The energy spent in pretending

The emotion exerted in trying to look like I am doing okay

My health is in tatters

I look old and haggard

I feel like I am invisible

Like no one sees me

I wonder if I want no one to see me?

I have physical and emotional

Sores and scars that will not heal

And I have no clue how to make things better

Or if I even want to

I hate myself

I hate what I am

Am terrified of what I might become

Perhaps I am better on my own

I wish I could think straight but I can’t

I wish I had the answers but I don’t

I just don’t

Today is one of those days

That sneaks up on you

And takes your breath away

It is one of those days

When I feel it is time to admit

I cannot do this

I can’t do this

I don’t want to do this

Without Matilda Mae

Easter Tilda

3 thoughts on “On My Own

  1. Listening quietly and sending you some ‘virtual hugs’. I can’t imagine – even imagining hurts. I’m so sorry for your pain and for the loss of that beautiful tiny life, that would have done so much and brought joy to so many people.

  2. “I am so tired of getting along as though everything is okay.” Oh yes, me too. Grief is such a heavy burden to carry isn’t it Jennie. There is nothing that can make it better, nothing that can take away the pain of living without our babies, Matilda Mae and Hugo. Hugs xxx

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