Birthday Eve

As the evening falls

And the chaos of the day fades away

As the Rainbow in my arms falls heavy with slumber

My cheeks are stained with tears

Tomorrow is her day

Our day

My day

The day three years ago

I gave birth to my third child

My beautiful miracle baby

Matilda Mae

day of birth

The baby that healed my heart for a short while

The baby that healed the hurt

Of round after round of IVF

The baby that stayed inside me nine months to the day

Taking the pain of the twins premature birth

The gentle water birth

That softened the blows of the trauma I suffered with Esher and William

The baby that made it home for tea

Making up for her siblings 59 long days in NICU

Our beautiful healthy full term baby

Who was straight away able to meet family and friends

She was sent to fix me

She was sent to heal me

But she wasn’t sent to stay

Tomorrow is her day

Our day

My day

The day three years ago

I gave birth to my third child

My beautiful miracle baby

Matilda Mae

The baby that healed my heart for a short while

birthday baby in the sky

Tomorrow my daughter should be three

We should be wrapping presents

Making party preparations

And we are

But for a toddler who is not here

A toddler we know only as a baby

And we will have a lovely day in her honour

But it hurts so much that she is not here

We will sing songs for her

Open gifts for her

Eat cake with candles and wishes

We will go to the sea

Blow bubbles to the stars

We will smile and laugh

And make it okay

But it is not okay

It can never be okay

That we celebrate the birthday

Of a baby not here

Of our baby not here

Our daughter never here

Angel with the Stars

And the chaos of the day fades away

As the Rainbow in my arms falls heavy with slumber

My cheeks are stained with tears

Tomorrow is her day

Our day

My day

The day three years ago

I gave birth to my third child

My beautiful miracle baby

Matilda Mae

The baby that healed my heart for a short while

For the shortest while

And then she died

15 thoughts on “Birthday Eve

  1. I’ve been thinking about you all day. She should be three. She should be here eating birthday cake and too many sweets. I so wish that she was. sending lots of love, as always x x x

  2. Tomorrow is a day full of bittersweet memories, Matilda Mae, is and always will be a special part of your family, to celebrate her short life, on her birthday each year, is a wonderful thing.
    To cry is good, but to remember her beautiful smiles, her little chuckles and the times you spent snuggled together, is also good.
    May the day ahead, go as smoothly as possible, may her siblings, celebrate for her and too her, may you all know, she would of loved to of been there, but will be in all of your hearts forever x
    Sending floaty Birthday wishes to heaven, for Matilda Mae’s 3rd Birthday x

  3. I shall be thinking of you tomorrow and shedding tears for the true beauty who is sharing her birthday with not just all of us, but the angels too. Happy Birthday Matilda. You are desperately missed.
    Celebrate this wonderful angels life with your family. xxx

  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I would also like to say a massive thank you for your sharing, and your beautiful writing. This is such a generous offering, and a very special gift of love. Xxx

  5. I’ve been thinking of you all day today, and will be tomorrow too, Lots of love and hugs!
    Happy birthday Matilda, I hope your having a party in the sky, dancing with the stars. xxx

  6. What an amazing little baby , I think about her often and of you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I think she would have been such a smiley 3 year old x I’ll be thinking of you lots tomorrow xx

  7. That made me tearful, I cannot imagine how you are feeling Jennie. What a beautiful baby, such a gorgeous smile and big brown eyes. She’ll never be forgotten. Thinking of you on Matilda Mae’s special day tomorrow xx

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