Today Bea is 9 months old
At this time
6.30pm
On the day she turned 9 months
I fed Baby Tilda to sleep
I cuddled her longer than I should
David was working in London
Due home late
Esther and William were asleep in their cots
The house was quiet
And I had my beautiful baby in my arms
I lay with her
Nuzzled to my breast
Longer than I should
Before laying her in her cot to sleep
I will always be grateful for the extra minutes I stole
My extra last minutes with Matilda Mae
The last time I held her warm in my arms
The last time I saw her alive
Today Bea turns 9 months old
I have been dreading this day for so long
I am terrified that this day will be Bea’s last
That may seem stupid and irrational to some
But we have no idea why Tilda died
So we cannot be certain that Bea will not die too
I have been determined for so long
That today would be a good day
A special day
In case it is our last
We have had a lovely day
A special day
A Tilda and Bea day
Filled with rainbows and stars
holding the living close
Today Bea turns 9 months old
My nerves are in tatters
My heart in my mouth
I cannot relax
I cannot not be with Bea
Last night as if she knew
Bea started to be snotty
Had a fever
And a broken night’s sleep
This evening she has fallen into a sticky Calpol sleep
In my arms
Tonight is the night I need her to live
I need her to survive
And she is more poorly than she has ever been
Perhaps it is coincidence
Perhaps it is fate
I will keep a closer eye than ever
On the Rainbow Baby
Who has to live
Please, Dear God, let her live
My heart is breaking for you. I will keep thinking of you and pray for you.
Thinking of you. See you and Bea and Esther and William tomorrow.
Much love.
Oh my love. I think your feelings are completely to be expected. I know I would feel the same. Bea will wake tomorrow and continue to shower her rainbow colours around x
i feel so sad. My thoughts are with you tonight and always.
I’ve been thinking of you all day. Sending you love and strength to get through tonight x x x x
Thinking of you especially tonight. Try to sleep well and look forward to your baby cuddles in the morning. Huge hugs xxx
So heartbreaken , I will be thinking of you tonight xx
I feel so sad reading this, you must be terrified, forever in a rut of fear. I’ve been thinking of you today, and everyday since I found your blog. Sending you lots of love and well wishes. Get well soon Bea. xx
She has to live, she just has to xxxxxx
Thinking of you! Tonight will be hard but you will get through it! Sending love and hugs x
Praying peace for you and your beautiful family xx
It must be so horrible when days like today arrive, I hope Bea feels better soon and that tomorrow will be a brighter day x
As I read this I felt a lump in my throat, and a tear in my eye. I thought of my own children, and how I might feel if this horrible thing happened to them. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t imagine it. It’s too awful.
I do hope young Bea is well by the morning, as I am sure she will be. She will see you and smile up at you, her amazing mummy, her world. And I hope you will be healed by her, just a little bit more each day.♡
Hugs from Switzerland x
She will live. Happy 9 months beautiful bea. Wishing you a peaceful milestone. Lots of love x
It’s too cruel that Bea is poorly today, of all days.
This is a really hard night, and there’s no way of getting around that. Beautiful Bea will be fine, and although tomorrow you will not stop worrying by any means, the horrible milestone will be broken past.
When the sun rose, showering you in its gold rays. I hope Bea took one look at her amazing mummy and flashed her that beautiful smile. A smile she reserves just for her mummy. A smile that lets you know, I am ok Mummy, I have an angel watching over me. The most beautiful angel up in the sky. Then I hope you have a day of cuddles and laughter. xxx
I hope today is kind to you x
Sending you lots of love and hugs and strength xxx
Sending love, strength and thoughts x
Heartbreaking, I can’t even begin to imagine the horror and pain you have faced. 🙁 If anything the only thing I can give you is a virtual hug from one mum to another.