Today I am leaving Bea at home

I’m having some time out

On my own

Bea is with David

Esther and William

Granny and Granddad for a time too

She is in the very best of hands

So why do I feel so scared?

I am going to London

For a medical appointment

Not off on a jolly

Or out to have fun

Yet still I feel so guilty for leaving

I am feeling the tugs on our Invisible String

Partly I am worried that she will be hungry

Bea is still nursing regularly

Breastfeeding on demand

I should be gone for around 4 hours

It could be as long as five

She will have lunch

And water

And snacks

She can eat enough to survive

I cannot let myself think she might die

I worry Bea will be sad without me

I worry she won’t notice I’m gone

I worry that Daddy will cope better than I do

I am worried it will all be too much

That I will be too long

I have two hours ahead of train travel

Time to relax, read, think, write

But I know I will spend it fretting

Wondering if everyone is all right

Bea is 9 months and 13 days

We have never really been apart

We do everything together

Every single thing

I am so scared that this might be the start

The start of her independence

The start of her needing me less

The start of us weaning from feeding

The start of the end of the baby stage

I am not sure I am ready yet

Not sure I ever will be

How can she be?

How can Bea be?

I am not ready for us not to be a we

I am constantly craving time on my own

When I get it

I could not want it less

It feels strange without the weight of a baby in my arms

Silence is disturbingly odd

No need for juggling

I can do as I please

Which guarantees I have no earthly idea

What that might be

I miss my baby

My children

Our home

I might need a break

But I hate being alone

Though I feel I need it

Crave it constantly

Time out from the chaos

Just isn’t for me

Or perhaps it is

But I have forgotten how

Whatever the reason

I’m not ready now

Hurry up train

Don’t be late

My baby she needs me

Lets not make her wait

My children are wondering

Where mummy might be

As they sit down without me

For Daddy-made tea

My babies I’m coming

I’m on my way home

I’m totally over

Time out on my own

Constantly craving time out for me

And then when I get

I can clearly see

My family need me

And I really need them

It will be quite a while

Before I want time out again

So why do I struggle when I am at home?

Feel caged and crowded

Scared to try on my own

All this anxiety, panic and grief

These feelings are stealing my life

STOP!

THIEF!

I want the control back

With my family, at home

I want the confidence

To do it alone

To love and to nurture

To live and to smile

I want my life back

It’s been a while

So though I don’t like this breather

This break

I know it is doing me good

Clearing my head

Fueling my heart

To be the good mother I should

To Esther

To William

For Tilda

For Bea

And just as importantly

For David and me

Time out is good

For the whole family

So shake off insecurities

Worries and woes

Throw open the door

And make yourself go

When you come back

What will you see

No matter how stressful

Time apart has been

Excited faces

Gummy smiles

Arms wide open

Mess in great piles

A family united

In all they they have done

Without words all saying

We missed you Mum!

Constantly craving time on my own

When I get it I could not want it less

I want to be back with my babe in my arms

Complaining about all the mess