Today I feel on the brink of a break down
Teetering along on the edge of tears
Two infected wisdom teeth
Send pains shooting through my head and neck
Nausea from yet more antibiotics
Fear and frustration weigh heavy on my chest
Grief constricts my heart
Self preservation is all well and good
When you have the time and space to even think about yourself
But when you are constantly caring for others
Always doing and on the go
It is only when bits are literally falling off or out
That you have chance to address issues of your own
I have not felt whole
Complete
Well
Since Baby Tilda died
The grief is wearing
Pregnancy has added to the mix
Pregnancy is hard
Especially so when it does not end well
When their is no baby to bring home
New grief mixes with old and older
Such sorrow
Such sadness
Such physical pain
Manifested often through my teeth
An impacted wisdom tooth in dire need of extraction
So tangled with nerves
No dentist found will touch it
Since Bea was born I have had around 15 courses of antibiotics
Because of my troublesome teeth
I am exhausted
I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained
I do not ever get a break
Not one that is not for medical reasons
If I try to take one I place extra stress on David
And I am burden enough on him and his family
At the very best of times
They are the pillars that hold me up
The engines that keep me going
Just sometimes
Some days
I feel certain I will not have chance
Have space to grieve
Until my children are grown and leave home
And that time will bring new sadness all of it’s own
I am so so tired
And my health is suffering
Our family is suffering
Because of me!
The problem is it is nothing specific
No one thing
Not measurable
My body is just run down
My mind is not functioning quite as it should
It is hurting me
And those closest to me
Today I got cross with Esther
Because she wanted me to play
She was moaning that William would not play with her
She just needed a friend
Wanted a cuddle
And I got cross
Because at that moment I was trying so very hard
For just a couple of minutes to focus on me
I was just trying to call a dental surgeon
To make an appointment to get my tooth removed
I am going to have the extraction privately
I cannot wait anymore for the NHS
Trying to make a call I am anxious about
With Esther in one ear
William in the other
And Bea eating the hair of a Playmobil character!!
Is it any wonder I do not have time to grieve
I do not have time to pee!
Today I keep thinking
And feel guilty for thinking
Things would have been so different if Tilda were my first
If Tilda were my first
The loneliness and pain would have been even more crushing I am sure
There would have been no need for brave faces
Fake laughs
I could have pulled a duvet over my head
And stayed in bed for days
I could sit on a sofa and stare at the walls
Drink myself into a stupor
I could roam the streets long after dark
Escape to far places for time all alone
If Tilda were my first
I could have taken all the time in the world to cry
There would have been nothing to make an effort for
I could have wandered aimlessly
In my own space
My own time
For my own sake
If Tilda were my first
I am not sure I would have survived
I would not have had much to live for
Or perhaps with time to rebuild myself
I would have become stronger than ever
I could have become all the things I want to be
Build a legacy
Honour her name
If Tilda were my first
There would have been more space and time
For me
I could have done more to raise money
Raise awareness
I could have done more
For other mothers
Wearing these lead weighted shoes
If Tilda were my first
David and I might be closer
We could have taken time out together
Focused on one another
Built ourselves up together
If Tilda were my first
I would not feel so desperately sad for her siblings
I would not worry everyday about how sad they can be
How they sob at sad stories and cry uncontrollably at Disney films
I would not wonder at every new behaviour displayed
Is this normal or is this through grief?
If Tilda were my first
Would this all be easier?
Would it feel a little easier if there were only me?
If Tilda were my first
I would have time to read books
Time to immerse myself in writing
Time to do
Do all the things I feel I would like to do
If Tilda were my first
Life would be unbelievably hard
Losing my only child
Feeling the pressure and longing to conceive again
Being a mummy with empty arms
But there would be room to breathe
Space for me
I could be selfish
Self indulgent
Selfless
I could do whatever needed to be done to grieve
I could be led by my feelings
My needs
I am not complaining
Though it sounds like I am
I know it sounds like I am
I would not be without my children for all in the world
I already know how it feels to lose one
I could not ever be without another
But I just wonder
At times when the constant din
The humdrum and mayhem of family life
Becomes too much to bear
I just wonder
Honestly wonder
How it would be
How I would be
If Tilda were my first
Dear Jennie,
I am so sorry you feel like this every day and I wish there was something I could do to help you. I have read all your posts and I wish I could come and help you in some practical way. Do you think you are an organised person? What I mean by this is if you have organisation in your house and with the children this would free up some time for you to stop and have time for yourself in the evening to reflect and grieve. I have a list on my fridge from Monday to Friday of different things I need to do around the house like clean the bathrooms or tidy the playroom etc.. This list has been so much help for me as it keeps me focused and I don’t do the same jobs over and over like I used to. This has freed up my evenings no end for me. Also I plan dinners each week and make a list of ingredients so I am prepared everyday for what I need to do. This means at that time in the evening when the children are hungry and cranky I know exactly what I am going to make and a lot of times I have the dinner prepared from the morning. I think this helps my mind become more organised and this helps me to free up time during the day to sit down and play with the children. Maybe you have tried all of this and it hasn’t helped but just an idea. I can help you with all of this from afar if you would like to give it a try?
Fiona x
There is no better or worse, Jennie. It’s all crap. As you say, an empty-armed mummy like me has time to focus on myself. However, the quiet of my home is deafening, Hugo’s toys and clothes that I bought for him remain unused. And all the self-care in the world is never going to make it better. I feel for you because you’re not able to take any down time. You are grieving for Tilda, and grief is exhausting. You are caring, in different ways, for all four of your children, which must be exhausting! And leaves little time for you. Your wisdom teeth issue sounds horrible. I hope it is able to be sorted for you before too much longer. Love xxxx
Jennie. I went into a pit of depression when my eldest, who has extreme special needs, was 3 and my youngest was just a few weeks old. My husband, very cleverly realised, I needed hands on help. So he hired a mothers help (nanny). No, we couldn’t afford it BUT I was teetering on the edge of a meltdown and my sanity was more important than money. I felt like a flop that a full time Mum needed a helper….for the first month, the extra set of hands was here Monday-Friday during my spouses working hours. But many years on, it saved me from a complete collapse.
I hope you can somehow find some space for yourself whilst you heal from your surgery and give your mind some time to process all you are trying to juggle.
Jennie…as always my heart and prayers go out to you.
What you have been through in the last 5 – 6yrs+ is more heartache, pain and struggle than most of us do in a lifetime. For you to get through, let alone be raising 3 beautiful children under 5, writing this blog and being a wife / friend, raising awareness/money and helping other parents…is unbelievable.
Be kind to yourself – in approx 3 months or so the twins will be in school…that will give you a little more time, then Bea will be in pre-school soon too…just take each day at a time as much as you can…on the really tough days…just get in the shower for a minute or two (even) to just freshen up and then make sure the kids are fed…then just put on a DVD and let them all watch it or play and you just sit still on the sofa…don’t plan anything specific or do anything that seems like pressure, best to not do anything at all….it can ALL wait…there is nothing wrong with that! I have two under 3, I have not been through what you have…and I still need days like that! On other days just go for an aimless walk with the children or sit in the garden while they play…they will entertain themselves esp if you have a swing, slide and sandpit:)
Do not think you are a burden to family, I know from experience that the only burden a grieving relative is, is the feeling you can’t take away the pain/help them more….doing ‘stuff’ for them / being asked to do anything for them….actually helps relatives/friends to feel better not worse! If any of your friends/family had been through what you have/are going through instead of you, I know you would be falling over yourself to help them day and night, in fact I believe you would even help a stranger let alone your own family/friends…if they were going through what you are…allow them to help as much as they wish and as much as helps you.
Axx
PS : Do you take probiotics? If not, after so many antibiotics it is worth doing so, this is a good brand for breastfeeding mums and can really help as most our immune fighting work (apparently) happens in the gut and antibiotics kill off the good bacteria….
http://www.optibacprobiotics.co.uk/shop/for-babies-children?gclid=COz_gJTO18UCFQHJtAodWWwAkg
Wisdom tooth pain hurts, it drains you and makes you not function at your best, at the best of times. I wish I had the answers but I don’t. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you all. You may not feel like it but I see you as a pretty awesome person. Your children are blessed to have you as their mum, you do more for them and with them than what many do when they are not going through one of the toughest times a parent could go through. Take time for yourself when you can and don’t feel guilty for it. If you have offers of baby sitters for a few hours. Take a stroll, go on a date, climb to the highest mountain in your area and scream. Do what ever you can to get some release, it will not change things but for just a short while your mind can be yours, for you, and you alone.
Lastly you are amazing, your children will grow to be amazing people because of the strength, love and time you give to them already. xxxx
Oh Jennie,
It breaks my heart to read about your deepest and darkest struggles. You are doing the best you can please don’t be too hard on yourself. To many of us you are admirable and strong even when you feel at your lowest. Don’t burn yourself out prioritise what has to be done and put the rest off or delegate if you can. Take time for you just a moment if thats all you can spare. You are dealing with the worst situation any parent could ever face you are only human yet you are doing a brilliant job xxc
Every single time I open up your blog to read, I cry for you. I have never cried as hard as I have when I read your blog.
I then always go in & kiss my sleeping daughter & I feel so grateful she is there.
She is 14 months old now, but I still wake up & check on her in the middle of the night.
I am not sure if this will ever stop.
She is my only daughter & I am so appreciative of her everyday.
I never thought I would feel this amount of love for something or someone.
I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I don’t think what you feel will ever go. It wouldn’t for me.
I just wish that you had a break away from everything just to grieve. Even if it was for a few days. A retreat. Just for you. Alone. So that you can scream & shout & let all of your emotions out with no one else around. Without worrying about your little ones seeing. Without caring what other people think. Just so that you can get angry & cry & throw things around & let out every last bit of anger/sadness/grief that you have inside you. At least for the time being.
You are an incredible person.
Please never forget that.
xxxx