PND: A Dark Day

I would really love a bunch of flowers

With a tag saying ‘You are doing okay’

A box of chocolates

To say ‘That was a tough old day’

A card with a note

Saying how much I am loved

A hug, a kiss

Any of the above

But all they see is a monster

A cloud in their shiny blue sky

All they hear is the shouting

Why would they be nice to me, why?

I wish that I had someone

Who understands me and how I feel

A shoulder to cry on

Who brought tea and sympathy

And knew my hurt to be real

But all they see is the raging

All they hear are the words

They do not know the pain and fear

That courses through me first

Someone to call on

Who’d come at great speed

Who could get here

And hold me

Whenever I need

I feel so lonely

So on my own

No one to turn to

To scream, shout and moan

I do not have anyone

Who is truly mine

I have to be polite

Where a mask all the time

To hide the hurting

To hide the pain

To mask the flashes of anger

And then the depths of my shame

They just see the sadness

The never ending grief

I suspect they feel I am wallowing

They know not what lies beneath

I hide my tears

In smiling eyes

But I cannot escape myself

No matter how hard I try

I truly hate myself

I despise what I am

What I have become

No wonder I am lonely

No wonder they don’t come

I am needy and selfish

A shadow of me

I have forgotten

How else I can be

Too scared to go out

Too scared to drive

Too afraid to enjoy

Any real kind of life

Hurting the ones that I love the most

Pushing friends and family away

That is why I don’t get flowers or chocolates

No encouraging words today

That is why I have dark days

I am an ogre

A monster a beast

And I know but don’t know how to change it

I can admit that at least

Perhaps all would be better if I went away

If I went and never came back

Maybe then someone could come

Give David and the children what I lack

Perhaps better no mum at all than a mummy like me

Perhaps no wife at all than a wife like me

This is what it feels like

To be someone like me

Perhaps I would be better alone

Without me it could be a happier home

And I could be selfish, that monster, this beast

Then I could only hurt me at least

beautiful tears

5 thoughts on “PND: A Dark Day

  1. You’re doing fine. Really you are. It’s horrible to think that you think all of these things, but no true monster or ogre would think it was a true monster, do you know what I mean? If something is truly “bad” it wouldn’t see itself as bad, it would think it was doing the right thing. You have such horrible thoughts about yourself but I’m 100% positive that no-one else sees you as you see yourself, you’ve got no “shell” to protect you from things (comments, looks etc that could be interpreted as negative) that others are lucky enough to shrug off. But that’s because you currently have an illness, and that illness will get better. And you’ll be an even lovelier person than you already are, because you’ll understand how vulnerable some people can be xx

  2. PND is truly horrible but as an outsider your photos show another side to the story. So many happy faces. Children who are deeply loved and cared for. You are loved and would be missed.

    This might not been much coming from a stranger but you ARE doing ok. You are doing your best during a dark time and that is all anyone can ask of you.

    Nobody gets it right all the time. We all have days where we get it wrong but we are only human. I truly hope and pray that you have the strength to keep going and find joy even in the small things.

    Be kind to yourself. You might not believe it but you deserve it.

  3. Jennie, I think that sometimes its okay to barely function but to realise there are reasons that it is this way. Its also OK to hate yourself when you are in ogre mode. Who can be proud of that right? Actually YOU can. For functioning as an ogre is better than not functioning at all. I once wrote a poem about how nice it would be to just leave it all. Now that I’m free of pnd I look back and see why… Its so shit. Big hugs hope a better phase comes again soon x

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