As I sit here with Bea asleep in my arms
Sick to my stomach with guilt
For shouting at William for stomping up and down the stairs
With his elephant feet
There are some things I wish that Esther and William knew
I wish I could really make them understand
How very much I adore them
I love every little bit of them
Though I know I do not show it enough
I tell them all the time
But I do not show them enough
I wish they knew how proud I am of them
Of what beautiful little people they are
So clever, so creative, so much fun
So well behaved
And they really are all of those things and more
I wish they knew how much I would love to play with them
Much more than I do
But it really is hard with Baby Bea
Finding the balance between two five year olds
And a baby is not as easy as it may seem
I wish that Esther and William knew how I hate myself
When I am cross with them
That often it is nothing to do with them
And everything to do with me
I wish that they knew how hard I work to make things the way they are for us
Choosing carefully the activities we do
Planning and packing for holidays
Choosing where we go and who we go with
I wish they knew the time I put in to
Making their days special
Choosing the toys that they play with
The games that we play
The books that we read
I wish they knew that in doing all of this
I am committed to working to pay for it
To review the places we go and things that we do
To make those things possible
I wish Esther and William knew
How I organise for people to come and visit
Come and play and come and stay
How I feed them
Trying to make sure they get all the important nutrients that they need
I wish they knew that though I love them
Would not and could not be without them
Parenting is hard
Even without a dead daughter
Parenting is hard
For five years I have been tied to my children
I would not change it
But I long for a time when my body is my own
When I can choose clothes that flatter me
Rather than clothes that have easy access for feeding
When I can get through a day
Without my nipples hanging out
Every night as I work on my laptop
I do so with an ever heavier Bea in my arms
My back is broken!
I long to sleep one undisturbed night
On my own
On my tummy
Not terrifiedly, protectively curled round a baby
I wish I could do the jobs I need to do
Without doing them badly whilst also rocking a baby
Fixing a toy and wiping a bottom
Often all at the same time!
I would love to have a shower without first asking permission
Go to the loo for longer than a few seconds without an audience
Having to check it is convenient for me to do anything at all
That I cannot do with three children in tow
Is wearing, is hard
I wish Esther and William knew all of this
And how I cannot complain as their baby sister died
So therefore I should damn well be grateful for the children that I have
And I am
I really am
I cannot say enough
I know I am lucky
I adore my children
All of my children
But I have to admit that I am finding it hard
And I want my children to know
I wish Esther and William knew
That even on my worst days
I have always played and read them stories
I have never walked away
I have done it all while my heart is breaking
However cross I am with them
I am a hundred more times angry with myself
I wish they knew how lost I feel
I wish they knew how much I miss Tilda
How I miss her every day
How losing her has meant losing part of me
How I do not recognise the person I have become
How I am trying so hard to make them proud of me
I wish they knew how lonely I am
How I have literally no one to talk to most days
I wish they knew all of this
And yet I am so glad that they do not know
They just think I am a cross, grumpy mummy
I think they are a bit scared of me
Of how cross I can be
And that breaks my heart
More than losing Matilda Mae
I want so much to be the mummy they need me to be
The mummy I long to be
I know exactly what to do
What I should be doing
Could be doing
I just cannot get it done
And I hate myself for it
And I keep saying tomorrow will be another day
It will all be better tomorrow
But tomorrow comes and goes
Tomorrow came and went
Nothing is changing
I had such hopes for our summer
Our great big summer of play
It is slipping away
August is almost upon us
And nothing has changed
At what point do I throw my hands up and say I have failed
I am so sorry Esther and William
I wish you knew
I wish there was someone with enough love for me
Enough faith in me
I hope one day someone will tell you good things about me
Like all the good things you rightly here about your Daddy
Your Mummy is pretty special too
Just there is no one to tell you the special things about her
And she wants you to know that you are the best things that ever happened to her
And she is sorry that she messed up being your mummy
I am so so sorry I messed it up x
It IS hard being a parent and you are doing your best. We all have regrets and we all wish we had been better at parenting but if you love your kids (and it’s more than obvious from this heart-felt post that you do!) and take care of them as you do, it is enough. YOU are enough. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Be encouraged – you are doing a wonderful job.
Oh Jennie, you haven’t messed up because by being a bit grumpy and shouty you are being there, you are parenting – sometimes you have to shout in order to parent and you want the best for your children and in wanting that you again have to correct things in their behavior it doesn’t need an apology. I know how hard things are – I type this now with a sleeping noah on my knee and I have never felt the heartache you have, but I have spent the past 7 months nursing, feeding, sleeping curled around a baby and wanting to do so much more than I ever seem to get done… this time will pass and even if you do nothing thats ok its not failing, you are doing just fine and your children will be thankful for the days you did nothing but were there shouty grumpy or not xxx
I started reading your blog not long after Baby Tilda passed, I often share the link via my Facebook and ask people to read, not because you have a child who died but because your words flow so wonderfully across the page.
We all shout, when we don’t mean to.
We all wish we had more time.
The washing is never done and the toys are never tidy.
Having my partner leave me this year broke me, I was not a good mum, yet through your grief and a pregnancy you show such engagement for your children, you are selfless and there doesn’t seem a time that you have took it upon yourself to curl up in a ball and say okay today is for me, today I am going to cry until the tears don’t come anymore.
Jennie you are such a wonderful mother, how very hard it must be to have a star fluttering above, to watch three children grow and know that a fourth should be right there beside them. She is though often isn’t she ? In all the lovely activities, trips and memory making things that you plan, you execute and you fulfil.
I think if you were on the outside looking in you wouldn’t see the vacant eyes staring back, dishevelled hair or the cranky babe in your arms. would you like to know what I see ?
A woman who is a tower of strength, that oozes love for education and all the wonderful things a pre schooler should be doing, you are inspiring and I admire you for all that you do. Your children are healthy and happy , they won’t remember the occasional loss of patience when they are showered with so much love.
Believe in yourself Jennie x
You are not alone, Jennie,you know where I am most days, if that helps you .
Oh, Jennie. My heart breaks for you reading this and knowing you feel this way. You are an amazing mummy and do so much for your children. But I know you will not believe that because I have said it. There will be a time when you can say all these things to Esther and William. And they will understand. And they will love you even more and be in awe of you because you love them and do so much for them. Hugs Mrs H xxxx
You really have not messed up at all, your love for all of your children shines through in every single post you write. Don’t feel bad for sometimes being a bit grumpy every parent is grumpy at times, I am guilty of it often too with lack of sleep these days. You plan so many great activities for them to enjoy which I am sure not many parents do. You are a wonderful mother and they will know how much you love them xx
I think children understand when they have children of their own. That might seem a long way off… but the dawning respect and understanding is a pleasure when it comes.
Oh sweetheart, you have not messed it up, you are a brilliant mummy.
I am not a parent, but I can only imagine how difficult parenting is, for anyone, for everyone. Everyone has to just do the very best they can, and you are doing just that.
You are a wonderful mummy *hugs*
Jennie, you are an incredible mother, an exceptional mother. I wish you would believe it. You are an inspiration with everything you come up with for your children, I wish my children were that young again so I could follow more of your examples of messy play, tuff spots etc. It is because of you we have a tuff spot at all! You do so much and you have hardly put Bea down since she was born a year ago. You cope through the fog of grief everyday. I get frustrated with my children everyday, I shout more than I should and I am always hard on myself about it. Mothering is hard, mothering after loss is even harder. Please be kind to you.
It is so hard being a parent isn’t it. I am fed up of being the nagging mum, the grumpy, tired and cross Mum but no matter how many times I tell myself to stop I can’t keep it up. They have both turned into proper Daddy’s boys as I am always bad cop where he is always good cop! BUT believe me you (and I, and many others!) have not failed! x