Dear Esther

I have just had to leave you half way through a bedtime story

I know you do not understand

Bea was screaming and calling out Mummy

We could hear her a floor away

Above the letters from the fairy tale characters

I had to stop reading and leave

I lost my temper with you tonight

You were cross with me

We made each other cry

All over a mess in the play room

Though of course it was not really because of that

My anger and sadness is never because of you

You are such a lovely little thing

Always trying so hard to be good

To do the right thing

My heart is breaking tonight

I am being a rubbish Mummy at the moment

And it hurts me more than you know

Today you asked me

‘Why are you such a bad mummy?’

I know that they are words I have put into your mouth

But even so

They hurt so much

They will be the words that echo in my head and heart for a long time to come

I am so sorry for being such a sad, grumpy, angry mummy

I truly do not mean to be

I adore you Esther

Love you more than I ever thought it possible to love anyone

So why can I not just be with you and enjoy you?

As I so much want to do

I am broken

Not in a way that you can see

But I am splintered

Shattered into shards of fear and anger and pain

I am scared of loving you too much

I am terrified of losing you

I don’t know how to just relax and be

I am so tired of feeling such despair

I feel like everything I do is pushing you further away

I am ruining the relationship I long for the most

Mother and daughter

So close

Best friends

True love

I do love you

My tiny beautiful five year old girl

Who just wants her Mummy to love her and play

And watch her dancing shows

You have saved my life over and over these past three years

You and William are my reasons for living

I am going to stop letting you down

Whatever it takes

I cannot take any more heart ache

I cannot bear any more pain

I don’t want to hurt you

Confuse you

I just want to love you

I want my life to be about you

About us

Our family

I have been blinded by pain and grief and fear

From even before you were born

But especially since Matilda died

And I hope that one day you will understand

Why things have been so incredibly hard

I will never forgive myself for making your start in life so hard

In so many ways

But I promise that I am not wasting another moment

Nothing else matters

Just you and William and Bea

Nothing else matters but you

I am sorry

I love you x